1. “Whenever you’re wrong, admit it. Whenever you’re right, shut up.”
2. “The door of a bigoted mind opens outwards so that the only result of the pressure of facts upon it is to close it more snugly.”
3. “Some tortures are physical and some are mental, but the one that is both is dental.”
4. “Middle-age is when you’re sitting at home on a Saturday night, and the telephone rings, and you hope it isn’t for you.”
5. “Humor is the best means of surviving in a difficult world.”
6. “If called by a panther, don’t anther.”
7. “God in His wisdom made the fly, and then forgot to tell us why.”
8. “Among other things, I think humor is a shield, a weapon, a survival kit.”
9. “Wind is caused by the trees waving their branches.”
10. “I am a conscientious man—when I throw rocks at seabirds I leave no tern unstoned.”
11. “Time is , always there, always different.”
12. “I believe that people believe what they believe they believe.”
13. “Indeed, everybody wants to be a wow, but not everybody knows exactly how.”
14. “Time is so old and love so brief, love is pure gold and time is a thief. We’re late, darling, we’re late. The curtain descends, everything ends, too soon, too soon.”
15. “One thing about the past—it’s likely to last.”
16. “No, you never get any fun out of the things you haven’t done.”
17. “Progress might have been alright once, but it’s gone on too long.”
18. “People who work sitting down get paid more than people who work standing up.”
19. “To love is an active verb.”
20. “Too much Chablis can make you whablis.”
21. “Some primal termite knocked on wood, and tasted it, and found it good. And that is why your May fell through the parlor floor today.”
22. “Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker.”
23. “The trouble with a kitten is that eventually it becomes a cat.”
24. “A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of.”
25. “Celery, raw, develops the jaw.”
26. “The camel has a single hump, the dromedary, two; or else the other way around; I’m never sure. Are you?”
27. “An occasional lucky guess as to what makes a tick is the best a man can hope for. Even then, no sooner has he learned how to cope with the tick than she tocks.”
28. “The is of the bovine ilk—one end is moo, the other, milk.”
29. “Bankers are just like everybody else, except richer.”
30. “Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other who never forgets them.”
31. “So I hope husbands and wives will continue to debate and combat over everything debatable and combatable, because I believe a little incompatibility is the spice of life. Particularly, if he has income and she is pattable.”
32. “Don’t over-analyze your marriage; it’s like yanking up a fragile indoor plant every 20 minutes to see how its roots are growing.”
33. “Oh, what a tangled web do parents weave, when they think that their children are naive.”
34. “How confusing the beams from memory’s lamp are; one day a bachelor, the next a grampa. What is the secret of the trick? How did I get so old so quickly?”
35. “All husbands are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them apart.”
36. “I drink because she nags, she said I nag because he drinks. But if the truth be known to you, he’s a lush and she’s a shrew.”
37. “Marriage is the only known example of the happy meeting of the immovable object and the irresistible force.”
38. “A husband is a guy who tells you when you’ve got on too much lipstick and helps you with your girdle when your hips stick.”
39. “I think remorse ought to stop biting the consciences that feed it.”
40. “If you don’t want to work, you have to work to earn enough money so that you won’t have to work.”
41. “There has been a lot of progress during my lifetime, but I’m afraid it’s heading in the wrong direction.”
42. “Some debts are fun while you are acquiring them, but none are fun when you set about retiring them.”
43. “I would live all my life in nonchalance and insouciance, were it not for making a living, which is rather a nouciance.”
44. “When there are monsters, there are miracles.”
45. “Here’s a good rule of thumb—too clever is dumb.”
46. “When enter the door, discipline flies out the window.”
47. “Remorse is violent dyspepsia of the mind.”
48. “The only incurable troubles of the rich are the troubles that money can’t cure, which is a kind of trouble that is even more troublesome if you are poor.”
49. “Life is not having been told that the man has just waxed the floor.”
50. “Happiness is having a scratch for every itch.”
51. “You are much happier when you are happy than when you ain’t.”
52. “When I ponder my mind, I consistently find it is glued on food.”
53. “Here lies my past. Goodbye, I have kissed it. Thank you, kids, I wouldn’t have missed it.”
54. “Certainly, there are lots of things in life that money won’t buy, but it’s very funny—have you ever tried to buy them without money?”
55. “The further through life I drift, the more obvious it becomes that I am lacking in thrift.”
56. “One man’s remorse is another man’s reminiscence.”
57. “The only way I can distinguish proper from improper fractions is by their actions.”
58. “A bird in the open never looks like its picture in the birdie books—or if it once did, it has changed its plumage, and plunges you back into ignorant gloomage.”
59. “I’m like a backward berry, unripened on the vine—for all my friends are fifty, and I’m only forty-nine.”
60. “One thing that literature would be greatly better for would be a more restricted employment by authors of simile and metaphor.”
61. “I do not like to get the news, because there has never been an era when so many things were going so right for so many of the wrong people.”
62. “I’d rather be a great bad poet than a good bad poet.”
63. “Authors of all races—be they Greeks, Romans, Teutons, or Celts—can’t seem to just say anything is the thing it is but have to go out of their way to say that it is like something else.”
64. “But all ladies think they weigh too much.”
65. “I have an idea that the phrase ‘weaker sex’ was coined by some woman to disarm some man she was preparing to overwhelm.”
66. “Your hair may be brushed, but your mind’s untidy.”
67. “Professional men, they have no cares; whatever happens, they get theirs.”
68. “Poets aren’t very useful because they aren’t consumable or produceful.”
69. “In the world of mules, there are no rules.”
70. “There is something about a martini, where the dining and dancing begin. And to tell you the truth, it is not the vermouth—I think that perhaps it’s the gin.”
71. “Beneath this slab, is stowed. He watched the ads, and not the road.”
72. “He without benefit of scruples—his fun and money soon quadruples.”
73. “Humor is hope’s companion in arms. It is not brash, it is not cheap, it is not heartless.”
74. “A bit of talcum Is always walcum.”
75. “No man is greater than his respect for sleep.”
76. “Here’s a toast to the roast that good fellowship lends, with the sparkle of beer and wine; may its sentiment always be deeper, my friends, than the foam at the top of the stein.”
77. “In another year, I would not boggle except that when I jog, I joggle.”
78. “Snow is alright while it is snowing; it is like inebriation because it is very pleasing when it is coming, but very unpleasant when it is going.”
79. “When I remember bygone days, I think about how evening follows morn. So many I loved were not yet dead, so many I love were not yet born.”
80. “Neath tile or thatch, that man is rich who has a scratch for every itch.”
81. “When a lady’s erotic life is vexed, God knows what God is coming next.”
82. “How easy for those who do not bulge to not overindulge!”
83. “Every Englishman is convinced of one thing—that to be an Englishman is to belong to the most exclusive club there is.”
84. “Then here’s to the heartening wassail, wherever good fellows are found; be its master instead of its vassal, and order the glasses around.”
85. “Any kiddie in school can love like a fool; but hating, my boy, is an art.”
86. “He is not drunk, who from the floor, can rise and stand and shout for more.”
87. “Why did the Lord give us so much quickness unless it was to avoid responsibility?”
88. “A lady is known by the product she endorses.”
89. “In real life, it takes only one to make a quarrel.”
90. “It is the sin of omission—the second kind of sin—that lays eggs under your skin.”
91. “Man is a victim of dope in the incurable form of hope.”
92. “Never befriend the oppressed unless you are prepared to take on the oppressor.”
93. “People who have what they want are very fond of telling people who haven’t what they want that they don’t want it.”
94. “My garden will never make me famous, I’m a horticultural ignoramus.”
95. “Women would rather be right than reasonable.”
96. “People expect old men to die, They do not really mourn old men. Old men are different.”
97. “Life has a tendency to obfuscate and bewilder—such as fating us to spend the first part of our lives being embarrassed by our parents and the last part being embarrassed by our children.”