HomeQuotes100 Talladega Nights Quotes on Life, Career, and Joy

100 Talladega Nights Quotes on Life, Career, and Joy

2. “If you ain’t first, you’re last.” – Ricky Bobby

3. “You gotta learn to drive with the fear, and there ain’t nothing more God damn frightening than driving with a live cougar in the car.” – Reese Bobby

4. “You don’t drive with your eyes, you drive with your heart.” – Reese Bobby

5. “Now, there’s nothing like driving to avoid jail. Nothing hones your mind and your instincts like necessity.” – Reese Bobby

6. “It’s the fastest who gets paid and it’s the fastest who gets laid.” – Reese Bobby

7. “You gotta win to get love. Everyone knows that. I mean, that’s just life.” – Ricky Bobby

8. “It’s not always bad to be in last place. Here’s some things we can focus on. One, we tried hard and two, we’re still dear friends.” – Glenn

9. “You’ve gotta cross over the anger bridge and come back to the friendship shore.” – Cal Naughton, Jr.

10. “It’s because it’s what you love, Ricky. It is who you were born to be.” – Susan

11. “You need to fire it up. You need to grab a hold of that line between speed and chaos, and you need to wrestle it to the ground like a demon cobra!” – Susan

12. “You don’t need to think. You need to drive. You need speed. You need to go out there, and you need to rev your engine.” – Susan

13. “You don’t win for anybody else. You win for you. You know why? Because a man takes what he wants.” – Susan

14. “Ricky Bobby is not a thinker. Ricky Bobby is a driver. He is a doer. And that’s what you need to do.” – Susan

15. “Losing is never fun, but here’s a little something to keep your spirits up. It’s real nice. I got it at Target. It’s on sale.” – Ricky Bobby

16. “You don’t understand. You don’t understand because you don’t understand liberty. You don’t understand freedom.” – Ricky Bobby

17. “No one lives forever, no one. But with advances in modern science and my high-level income, it’s not crazy to think I can live to be 245, maybe 300.” – Ricky Bobby

18. “Ricky, remember, the field mouse is fast, but the owl sees at night.” – Chip

19. “Well, let me give you a saying from Colonel Sanders, ‘I am too drunk to taste this chicken.’” – Ricky Bobby

20. “I wanna go fast. I wanna go fast.” – Ricky Bobby

21. “Hi, I’m Ricky Bobby. If you don’t chew Big Red, then f*ck you.” – Ricky Bobby

22. “But before I can do that I must be beaten by a driver who is truly better than me.” – Jean Girard

23. “No ma’am. I haven’t seen my daddy in years. But my mama says he’s out racing cars and, well, dipping his wick in anything that moves.” – Ricky Bobby

24. “See you when you’re grown up.” – Reese Bobby

25. “By defeating me today, you have set me free.” – Jean Girard

26. “Grandfather, can’t we resolve this conflict without anger?” – Texas Ranger

27. “Your injury is one of ignorance and pride.” – Jean Girard

28. “Hang on, Baby Jesus, this is gon’ get bumpy!” – Ricky Bobby

29. “Here’s the deal. I’m the best there is. Plain and simple. I wake up in the morning and I piss excellence.” – Ricky Bobby

30. “Did that blow your mind? Because that just happened!” – Ricky Bobby

31. “I’m just a big, hairy, American winning machine, you know?” – Ricky Bobby

32. “I came here to tell you one thing: come race time tomorrow, I’m coming for you.” – Ricky Bobby

33. “May God be with you, monsieur Bobby. Because although today I am friendly. Tomorrow will be war!” – Jean Girard

34. “Daddy, you made that grace your bitch.” – Walker Bobby

35. “One of you turds is gonna get smacked in the mouth!” – Texas Ranger

36. “Chew Big Red, or get out of my face m*th*rf*ck*r.” – Ricky Bobby

37. “Why, if it isn’t our mangy, transient grandfather.” – Texas Ranger

38. “Hey, shut up you little pot-licker, I’ll stick you in a microwave!” – Reese Bobby

39. “You better shut the hell up or I’ll come over there and rip a hole in that tent!” – Texas Ranger

40. “Now I am declaring Granny Law and if you do not obey Granny Law, I will paint your back porch red.” – Lucy Bobby

41. “Shut those mutts up before I cook ’em and eat ’em!” – Texas Ranger

42. “I’m gonna scissor-kick you in the back of the head!” – Texas Ranger

43. “How many more times you going to toss me the radio in the bathtub?” – Lucy Bobby

44. “We go together like cocaine and waffles.” – Cal Naughton, Jr.

45. “Please don’t let the invisible fire burn my friend!” – Cal Naughton, Jr.

46. “From now on, you’re the Magic Man and I’m El Diablo.” – Ricky Bobby

47. “Dear Lord Baby Jesus, or as our brothers to the south call you, Jesus, we thank you so much for this bountiful harvest of Domino’s, KFC, and the always delicious Taco Bell.” – Ricky Bobby

48. “Dear Lord baby Jesus, lyin’ there in your ghost manger, just lookin’ at your baby Einstein developmental videos, learnin’ ’bout shapes and colors. I would like to thank you for bringin’ me and my mama together, and also that my kids no longer sound like retarded gang-bangers.” – Ricky Bobby

49. “I just want to take time to say thank you for my family, my two beautiful, beautiful, handsome, striking sons, Walker and Texas Ranger, or T.R. as we call him, and of course, my red hot smoking wife, Carly who is a stone-cold fox.” – Ricky Bobby

50. “I’m going fast.” – Ricky Bobby

51. “Time to let the cougar loose.” – Ricky Bobby

52. “It’s painful, and I love you!” – Cal Naughton, Jr.

53. “Golly, this is a hard decision, but I have thought about it, and I want the plug pulled.” – Carly Bobby

54. “I felt like I was on a spaceship.” – Ricky Bobby

55. “You nailed that like a split hog.” – Cal Naughton, Jr.

56. “Ah, Ricky Bobby! Now we shall dance. And yes, it will be a slow jam.” – Jean Girard

57. “Got more plugs in him than a Circuit City.” – Carley Bobby

58. “Why do you want me to break your arm so badly?” – Jean Girard

59. “My head’s all tied up like a pretzel. I got a pretzel in my head.” – Cal Naughton, Jr.

60. “Shake and bake!” – Cal Naughton, Jr.

61. “I’m all jacked up on mountain dew!” – Texas Ranger

62. “What is that, a catchphrase or is that epilepsy?” – Jean Girard

63. “Yep, I’m flying through the air. This is not good.” – Ricky Bobby

64. “You sound like a dog with peanut butter on the roof of your mouth.” – Ricky Bobby

65. “Dear eight-pound, six-ounce newborn infant Jesus, don’t even know a word yet.” – Ricky Bobby

66. “Guys! No tires! We’re not a pit crew anymore, we’re a car wash team.” – Lucius Washington

67. “Help me, Jesus! Help me Jewish God! Help me, Allah! Ah! Help me Tom Cruise! Tom Cruise, use your witchcraft on me to get the fire off me!” – Ricky Bobby

68. “I feel like I was riding inside an asteroid or a comet or something.” – Ricky Bobby

69. “Don’t you put that evil on me, Ricky Bobby!” – Lucius Washington

70. “This sticker is dangerous and inconvenient, but I do love Fig Newtons.” – Ricky Bobby

71. “God needs the devil. The Beatles needed the Rolling Stones. Even Diane Sawyer needed Katie Couric. Will You be my Katie Couric?” – Jean Girard

72. “When you say psychosomatic, you mean like he could start a fire with his thoughts?” – Cal Naughton, Jr.

73. “Everyone, turn away. Things are gonna get crazy. We’re gonna make animal noises.” – Ricky Bobby

74. “Are we about to get it on? Because I’m as hard as a diamond in an ice storm right now.” – Ricky Bobby

75. “I don’t know what to do with my hands.” – Ricky Bobby

76. “I like to picture my Jesus in a tuxedo t-shirt. ‘Cause, it says like, I wanna be formal but I’m here to party too. I like to party, so I like my Jesus to party.” – Cal Naughton, Jr.

77. “I like to think of Jesus as an ice dancer, dressed in an all-white jumpsuit, and doing an interpretive dance of my life.” – Cal Naughton, Jr.

78. “Absolutely ma’am. I’d love to sign your baby. You’re not gonna want to wash that forehead.” – Ricky Bobby

79. “When you work on your mysterious lady parts and stuff, you need the right tools too. That’s why you should use Maypax. The official tampon of NASCAR.” – Ricky Bobby

80. “Old man, I’m gonna come at you like a spider monkey!” – Texas Ranger

81. “I threw a bunch of Grandpa Chip’s war medals off the bridge.” – Walker Bobby

82. “I hope that both of you have sons. Handsome, beautiful, articulate sons, who are talented and star athletes and they have their legs taken away. I mean I pray you know that pain and that hurt.” – Ricky Bobby

83. “Look, I like the Christmas Jesus best, and I’m sayin’ grace. When you say grace, you can say it to grownup Jesus or teenage Jesus or bearded Jesus or whoever you want.” – Ricky Bobby

84. “No, I don’t know what that means, I guess longer lives.” – Lucius Washington

85. Reese Bobby: “You got big. How long’s it been? Three, four months?”

Ricky Bobby: “Ten years.”

Reese Bobby: “Ten years? Man, I’ve gotta lay off the peyote.”

86. “That idea ain’t worth a velvet painting of a whale and a dolphin getting it on.” – Ricky Bobby

87. “Sometimes you get a knock on the head, you get special powers. It happens all the time. Read a comic book, okay?” – Cal Naughton, Jr.

88. Glenn: “So, I was talking to Nana on Saturday. Her birthday’s coming up, and I don’t know what to get her. She’s gonna be 88.”

Kyle: “Get her a coffin.”

89. “I wet my bed until I was 19. There’s no shame in that.” – Cal Naughton, Jr.

90. “I like to think of Jesus like with giant eagle’s wings, and singin’ lead vocals for Lynyrd Skynyrd with like an angel band and I’m in the front row and I’m hammered drunk!” – Cal Naughton, Jr

91. “Hey, I don’t know why I am talking to you. Do you remember that I hate you?” – Ricky Bobby

92. Dale Earnhardt Jr.: “You still owe me, like, 30 bucks.”

Ricky Bobby: “Oh no, man. you said that was a gift.”

93. “My husband Gregory and I want what any couple wants. To retire to Stockholm and develop a currency for dogs and cats to use.” – Jean Girard

94. “I’m gonna wreck you today. I’m just kidding.” – Casey Mears

95. Ricky Bobby: “I—I’ve just telling you that ’cause, like I said, I lost my license. I’ve just been having a lot of problems lately.”

Passenger on Bus: “Problems? I don’t want to hear about your damn problems! Everybody’s got problems! My momma got problems she just lost her leg! My cousin Pookie just lost a t*st*cl*! My dog just threw up on somebody’s finger! That’s a problem!”

Ricky Bobby: “I really regret opening my mouth and talking to you.”

96. Lucy Bobby: “So how was your day driving with your father?”
Ricky Bobby: “Well let’s see. I got mauled by a cougar, my Crystal Gayle shirt is ruined, and I didn’t learn dick about driving. Other than that, it was great.”

97. “You just lost your wife, you just lost your job. Don’t throw out your best friend because of your anger.” – Cal Naughton, Jr.

98. “Like the frightened baby chipmunk, you are scared by anything that is different.” – Jean Girard

99. “Someone didn’t love you enough when you were little, did they?” – Texas Ranger.

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