HomeQuotes110 Funny Family Quotes to Make the Whole Family Laugh

110 Funny Family Quotes to Make the Whole Family Laugh

1. “In my family, crazy doesn’t skip a generation.” – Anonymous

2. “Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.” – Wayne Huizenga

3. “Family is like that annoying itch you can’t scratch.” – Anonymous

4. “Family: our sanity might be debatable, but our bond is unbreakable.” – Anonymous

5. “Home is wherever my bunch of crazies is.” – Anonymous

6. “Some call it chaos, we call it family.” – Anonymous

7. “If you think I’m crazy, wait till you meet my family.” – Anonymous

8. “Families are like fudge—mostly sweet, with a few nuts.” – Les Dawson

9. “Children really can brighten up a house, because they never turn the lights off.” – Ralph Bus

10. “Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops.” – Cary Grant

11. “At a family reunion, you’ll meet every human to whom you’re related. Will you be elated? That’s still to be debated.” – Anonymous

12. “We are more than family. We are like a really small gang.” – Anonymous

13. “A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold.” –

14. “My family is tempermental. Half temper, half mental.” – Anonymous

15. “I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance—waiting for the bathroom.” – Bob Hope

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16. “Every family tree has some sap!” – Anonymous

17. “If you want to call a family meeting, just turn off the Wi-Fi router and wait in the room in which it is located.” – Anonymous

18. “I realized my family was funny because nobody ever wanted to leave our house.” – Anthony Anderson

19. “You can’t choose your family, but you can ignore their phone calls.” – Anonymous

20. “‘Well, that escalated quickly’ is our family motto.” – Anonymous

21. “Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.” – Chelsea Handler

22. “In some families, ‘please’ is described as the magic word. In our house, however, it was ‘sorry.’” – Margaret Laurence

23. “Being part of a family means smiling for photos.” – Harry Morgan

24. “The advantage of growing up with siblings is that you become very good at fractions.” – Robert Brault

25. “If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.” –

26. “Family ties mean that no matter how much you might want to run from your family, you can’t.” – Anonymous

27. “Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.” – George Burns

28. “Family: a little bit crazy, a little bit loud, and a whole lot of love.” – Anonymous

29. “The informality of family life is a blessed condition that allows us all to become our best while looking our worst.” – Marge Kennedy

30. “Family: we may not have it all together, but together we have it all.” – Anonymous

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31. “I smile because you’re my family—I laugh because there’s nothing you can do about it!” – Anonymous

32. “I saw a store that has a sign that reads ‘We treat you like family!’ Yup, not going in there.” – Anonymous

33. “The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.” –

34. “Caller ID was invented for family screening.” – Anonymous

35. “Having children is like living in a frat house—nobody sleeps, everything’s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.” – Anonymous

36. “As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.” – Buddy Hackett

37. “The bigger your family, the bigger your problems.” – Anonymous

38. “Good news: the holidays are about family. Bad news: it has to be your own family.” – Anonymous

39. “Family life is a bit like a runny peach pie, not perfect but who’s complaining?” – Robert Brault

40. “Every family has that one crazy person in it. If you’re missing one I seem to have a few extras.” – Anonymous

41. “Family: a social unit where the father is concerned with parking space, the children with outer space, and the mother with closet space.” – Evan Esar

42. “Bleeding ulcers run in my family. We give them to each other.” – Lois McMaster Bujold

43. “I know family comes first, but shouldn’t that mean after breakfast?” – Jeff Lindsay

44. “I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.” – Rodney Dangerfield

45. “A family reunion is an effective form of birth control.” – Robert A. Heinlein

46. “Sometimes I think our family tree doesn’t branch quite enough.” – Anonymous

47. “Our family is just one tent away from a full-blown circus.” – Anonymous

48. “Remember as far as anyone knows we’re a nice, normal family.” – Homer Simpson

49. “Insanity is hereditary: you can get it from your children.” – Anonymous

50. “All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women.” – Anonymous

51. “In my family, crazy is relative. All of them.” – Anonymous

52. “What passes for normality in my family just might defy the laws of gravity.” – Anonymous

53. “From vanity to insanity, no one knows you better than your family.” – Anonymous

54. “Siblings: children of the same parents, each of whom is perfectly normal until they get together.” – Sam Levenson

55. “Your basic extended family today includes your ex-husband or , your ex’s new mate, your new mate, possibly your new mate’s ex, and any new mate that your new mate’s ex has acquired.” – Delia Ephron

56. “I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.” – Erma Bombeck

57. “Having a child makes you a parent; having two, you are a referee.” – Anonymous

58. “I think the family is the place where the most ridiculous and least respectable things in the world go on.” – Ugo Betti

59. “Nothing in life is fun for the whole family. There are no massage parlors with ice cream and free jewelry.” – Jerry Seinfeld

60. “Strangers think I’m great. My friends think I’m eccentric. My family knows that I am completely insane!” – Anonymous

61. “I was normal two kids ago.” – Anonymous

62. “There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.” – Jerry Seinfeld

63. “In time of test, family is best.” – Burmese Proverb

64. “A family who disagrees, cares.” – Anonymous

65. “In our family, normal is so overrated.” – Anonymous

66. “There is no cure for laziness but a large family helps.” – Herbert V. Prochnow

67. “Pets are like family, except you actually get to choose them.” – Anonymous

68. “Family is not an important thing. It’s everything.” – Michael J. Fox

69. “There’s nothing like a family vacation to make you appreciate a bit of separation.” – Anonymous

70. “For the first time ever I was taking the family on the road. We stayed with my in-laws, which on life’s list of experiences ranks right below sitting in a tub full of scissors.” – Jeff Foxworthy

71. “By 35, if I’m not engaged or already starting a family, I declare myself the aunt who’s always traveling and comes to family events tipsy.” – Anonymous

72. “We’re loud and proud; when we get together there’s a crowd. When it comes to my extended family, there’s nowhere else I’d rather be.” – Anonymous

73. “When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them.” – Anonymous

74. “If you don’t believe in ghosts, you’ve never been to a family reunion.” – Ashleigh Brilliant

75. “Family love is messy, clinging, and of an annoying and repetitive pattern, like bad wallpaper.” – Anonymous

76. “The outfit doesn’t matter. The smiling family does.” – Anonymous

77. “In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat.” – Anna Quindlen

78. “In a household of toddlers and pets, we discover this rule of thumb about happy families, that they are at least two-thirds incontinent.” – Robert Brault

79. “The Lee family has really been stressing me out! Perhaps, know them? Emotional Lee, Mental Lee, Physical Lee and let’s not forget Financial Lee!” – Anonymous

80. “If I had known how wonderful it would be to have , I’d have had them first.” – Lois Wyse

81. “Having a big family around is a good way to make sure there will always be someone to answer the phone—and forget the message.” – Anonymous

82. “Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.” – Gracie Allen

83. “Important families are like potatoes. The best parts are underground.” –

84. “You inherited a piece of everyone in your family. If you insult them, you insult yourself.” – Anonymous

85. “Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.” – P.J. O’Rourke

86. “If the family were a fruit, it would be an orange. It’s a circle of sections, held together but separable—each segment distinct.” – Letty Cottin Pogrebin

87. “There’s nothing that makes you more insane than family. Or more happy. Or more exasperated. Or more—secure.” – Jim Butcher

88. “Every family is dysfunctional, whether you want to admit it or not.” – Shailene Woodley

89. “If you ever start feeling like you have the goofiest, craziest, most dysfunctional family in the world, all you have to do is go to a state fair. Because five minutes at the fair, you’ll be going, ‘you know, we’re alright. We are dang near royalty.’” – Jeff Foxworthy

90. “Soup is a lot like a family. Each ingredient enhances the others; each batch has its own characteristics, and it needs time to simmer to reach full flavor.” – Marge Kennedy

91. “One day you will do things for me that you hate. That is what it means to be family.” – Jonathan Safran Foer

92. “The great advantage of living in a large family is that early lesson of life’s essential unfairness.” – Nancy Mitford

93. “Humans are not proud of their ancestors, and rarely invite them round to dinner.” – Anonymous

94. “My family is really boring. They have a coffee table book called ‘Pictures We Took Just to Use Up the Rest of the Film.’” – Penelope Lombard

95. “From the ages of 8 to 18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.” – Jarod Kintz

96. “If minutes were kept of a family gathering, they would show that ‘Members not present’ and ‘Subjects discussed’ were one and the same.” – Robert Brault

97. “Family is just an accident. They don’t mean to get on your nerves. They don’t even mean to be your family, they just are.” – Marsha Norman

98. “You know what it’s like having five kids? Imagine you’re drowning. And someone hands you a baby.” – Jim Gaffigan

99. “Cousins are friends who already know how crazy your family is.” – Anonymous

100. “Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.” – Anonymous

101. “Families are messy. Immortal families are eternally messy. Sometimes the best we can do is to remind each other that we’re related for better or for worse―and try to keep the maiming and killing to a minimum.” – Rick Riordan

102. “Thanksgiving―when the people who are the most thankful are the ones who didn’t have to cook.” – Melanie White

103. “The moment will come when you are talking to your child and you hear your mother’s or father’s voice coming from your own lips with almost the same tone and maybe even the same words.” – Benjamin Spock

104. “The advantage of having only one child is that you always know who did it.” – Erma Bombeck

105. “When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ It’s a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.” – Erma Bombeck

106. “I grew up in a very large family in a very small house. I never slept alone until after I was married.” – Lewis Grizzard

107. “To encourage my little kid to eat something, I would sometimes say: just pretend it is sand.” – Anonymous

108. “The family—that dear octopus from whose tentacles we never quite escape, nor, in our inmost hearts, ever quite wish to.” – Dodie Smith

109. “Home, nowadays, is a place where part of the family waits till the rest of the family brings the car back.” – Earl Wilson

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