2. “The only reason people are nice to me is because I have more money than God.” – Ouiser Boudreaux

3. “I’m not crazy, M’Lynn, I’ve just been in a very bad mood for 40 years!” – Ouiser Boudreaux

4. “Smile, it increases your face value.” – Truvy Jones

5. “If he’s trying to drive me crazy, it’s too late.” – M’Lynn Eatenton

6. “I don’t trust anybody who does their own hair. I don’t think it’s natural.” – Truvy Jones

7. “I find it amusing. Men are supposed to be made out of steel or something.” – M’Lynn Eatenton

8. “Louie brought his new girlfriend over, and the nicest thing I can say about her is all her tattoos are spelled correctly.” – Truvy Jones

9. “It takes some effort to look like this.” – Truvy Jones

10. “You are evil, and you must be destroyed.” – Ouiser Boudreaux

11. “This is it, I’ve found it, I’m in hell.” – Ouiser Boudreaux

12. “You are a pig from hell.” – Ouiser Boudreaux

13. “There is no such thing as natural beauty.” – Truvy Jones

14. “I would rather have 30 minutes of wonderful than a lifetime of nothing special.” – Shelby Eatenton

15. “Honey, time marches on and sooner or later you realize it is marchin’ across your face.” – Truvy Jones

16. “Oh, honey, God don’t care which church you go, as long as you show up.” – Truvy Jones

17. “Shelby, as you know, wouldn’t want us to get mired down and wallow in this. We should handle it the best way we know how and get on with it. That’s what my mind says; I just wish somebody would explain it to my heart.” – M’Lynn Eatenton

18. “You want to go through with this. I don’t want to give back all the wedding presents. That VCR alone is worth getting married for, and I love you.” – Jackson Latcherie

19. “The older you get, the sillier you get.” – Clairee Belcher

20. “Oh, sweetheart, don’t. Please,, don’t cry or I will too. I have a strict policy that nobody cries alone in my presence.” – Truvy Jones

21. “But you get through it and life goes on.” – Shelby Eatenton

22. “I was there when that wonderful creature drifted into my life and I was there when she drifted out. It was the most precious moment of my life.” – M’Lynn Eatenton

23. “You know I love you more than my luggage.” – Clairee Belcher

24. “I just like the idea of growing old with somebody. My dream is to sit on the back porch covered with and say ‘no’ and ‘stop that.’” – Shelby Eatenton

25. “I really do love football, but it’s hard to parlay that into a reason to live.” – Clairee Belcher

26. “Mama, you worry too much. In fact, I never worry ’cause I always know you’re worried enough for the both of us. Jackson and I have given this a lot of thought.” – Shelby Eatenton

27. “Don’t try to get on my good side—I no longer have one.” – Ouiser Boudreaux

28. “You are special, Shelby. There are limits to what you can do.” – M’Lynn Eatenton

29. “That which does not kill us makes us stronger.” – Clairee Belcher

30. “When it comes to pain and suffering, she’s right up there with Elizabeth Taylor.” – Truvy Jones

31. “You know, you would be a much more contented, pleasant person if you would find ways to occupy your time.” – Clairee Belcher

32. “I’m not as sweet as I used to be.” – Ouiser Boudreaux

33. “Laughter through tears is my favorite emotion.” – Truvy Jones

34. “Oh, God, I wanna know why. Why? Lord, I wish I could understand!” – M’Lynn Eatenton

35. “There was no noise, no tremble, just peace.” – M’Lynn Eatenton

36. “The one thing that would make me happy is to have a baby. If I could adopt one, I would, but I can’t. I’m going to have a baby, and I wish you’d be happy too.” – Shelby Eatenton

37. “In a good shoe, I wear a size six, but a seven feels good, I buy a size eight.” – Truvy Jones

38. “Aww, thanks, Ouiser. Nothin’ like a good piece of ass.” – Drum Eatenton

39. “Well, we went skinny dipping and we did things that frightened the fish.” – Shelby Eatenton

40. “You sound almost chipper. What happened today, you run over a small child or something?” – Clairee Belcher 

41. “Yeah, well the older you get, the uglier you get.” – Ouiser Boudreaux

42. “That is one ugly dog. What kind of dog is that?” – Annelle Desoto

43. “Well, you know what they say: if you don’t have anything nice to say about anybody, come sit by me!” – Clairee Belcher

44. “Janice Van Meter got hit with a . It was fabulous.” – Clairee Belcher

45. “Now, that is not true. When I was in school, a bunch of my friends and I would dress up as nuns and go bar-hoppin’.” – Ouiser Boudreaux

46. “Ouiser, I’d recognize this penmanship anywhere. You have the handwritin’ of a serial killer.” – Clairee Belcher

47. “There. My secret’s out. I’m having an affair with a Mercedes Benz!” – Ouiser Boudreaux

48. “Sammy’s so confused, he don’t know whether to scratch his watch or wind his butt.” – Truvy Jones

49. “Well, don’t you expect me to come to one of your churches or one of those tent-revivals with all those Bible-beaters doin’ God-only-knows-what! They’d probably make me eat a live chicken!” – Ouiser Boudreaux

50. “You can’t screw up her hair. You just tease it and make it look like a brown football helmet.” – Shelby Eatenton

51. “I’m pleasant. Damn it! I saw Drum Eatenton at the Piggly Wiggly this morning, and I smiled at the son of a bitch ‘fore I could help myself.” – Ouiser Boudreaux

52. “I realize as a woman how lucky I am.” – M’Lynn Eatenton

53. “Pink is my signature color.” – Shelby Eatenton

54. “The only thing that separates us from the animals is our ability to accessorize.” – Clairee Belcher

55. “Ouiser could never stay mad at me; she worships the quicksand I walk on.” – Clairee Belcher

56. “I can usually spot a bottle job at 20 paces.” – Truvy Jones

57. “I haven’t left the house without lycra on these thighs since I was 14.” – Truvy Jones

58. “I kind of like hiring somebody with a past.” – Truvy Jones

59. “I do not see plays, because I can nap at home for free. And I don’t see movies ’cause they’re trash, and they got nothin’ but naked people in ’em! And I don’t read books, ’cause if they’re any good, they’re gonna make ’em into a miniseries.” – Ouiser Boudreaux

60. “I’m too colorful for words.” – Clairee Belcher

61. “She can’t be more than 18, she hasn’t had time to have a past.” – Clairee Belcher

62. “I just thought Sammy won’t mind you reading the Bible in bed as long as you’re wearing something inspirational.” – Ouiser Boudreaux

63. “What’s the matter with you these days, M’Lynn? You got a reindeer up your butt?” – Ouiser Boudreaux

64. “I am an old Southern woman, and I am supposed to wear funny clothes, ugly hats, and dig in the dirt. I did not make the rules.” – Ouiser Boudreaux

65. “They were both high. They’d been smokin’ everything but their shoes.” – Clairee Belcher

66. “This is the ‘80s. If you can achieve puberty, you can achieve a past.” – Truvy Jones

67. “It’s in the ‘freezes beautifully’ section of my cookbook.” – Annelle Desoto

68. “Yes, Annelle, I pray! Well, I do! There, I said it, I hope you’re satisfied.” – Ouiser Boudreaux

69. “I didn’t know if you would hire someone who may or may not be married to someone who might be a dangerous criminal.” – Annelle Desoto

70. “Mother Nature’s taking care of that faster than you could.” – Clairee Belcher

71. “Very good, Annelle! You’ve spoken like a true smart-ass!” – Clairee Belcher

72. “And I can also report that a mysterious car is parked in her driveway at least once a week.” – Clairee Belcher

73. “My personal tragedy will not interfere with my ability to do good hair.” – Annelle Desoto

74. “Somebody’s gotta take ’em. I hate ’em. I try not to eat healthy food if I can possibly help it.” – Ouiser Boudreaux

75. “Ouiser, this is your chance to do something for your fellow man. Knock her lights out, M’Lynn!” – Clairee Belcher

76. “Shelby, you scared us. That wasn’t a nice thing to do to your mama. Never say that to a woman who’s marinatin’ 50 pounds of crab claws.” – Clairee Belcher

77. “Maybe she’s praying for Marshall and Drew and Belle. Maybe she’s praying for us because we’re gossiping. Maybe she’s praying because the elastic is shot in her pantyhose! She prays at the drop of a hat these days.” – Truvy Jones

78. “No time for thanks this morning; we’ll be busier than a one-armed paper hanger.” – Truvy Jones

79. “That sanctuary looks like it’s been hosed down with Pepto-Bismol.” – M’Lynn Eatenton

80. “There’s so much static electricity in the room, I pick up everything but boys and money.” – Truvy Jones

81. “Drum, eat shit, and die.” – Ouiser Boudreaux

82. “I think we should pray.” – Annelle Desoto

83. “Looks like two pigs fightin’ under a blanket.” – Clairee Belcher

84. “Now, see, that’s what really melts my butter.” – Truvy Jones

85. “I can’t even begin to think how you make gray icing!” – M’Lynn Eatenton

86. “You are too twisted for color TV!” – Ouiser Boudreaux

87. “He is a boil on the butt of humanity.” – Ouiser Boudreaux

88. “My colors are blush and bashful, Mama.” – Shelby Eatenton

89. “Oh, now that’s attractive, Ouiser.” – M’Lynn Eatenton

90. “Are you high, Clairee?!” – Ouiser Boudreaux

91. “Ugh. Leave me alone.” – Ouiser Boudreaux

92. “Ouiser, you look like hammered shit.” – Drum Eatenton

93. “We are in the house of the Lord.” – Annelle Desoto

94. “Ouiser, no one pays any attention to you.” – Clairee Belcher

95. “If it had hair, it’d be a Saint Bernard.” – Clairee Belcher

96. “I hate these stupid neighborhood things.” – Ouiser Boudreaux

97. “Hit this! Go ahead, M’Lynn, slap her! We’ll sell t-shirts sayin’ ‘I slapped Ouiser Boudreaux!’” – Clairee Belcher

98. “I’m just screamin’ at my husband; I can do that any time!” – Truvy Jones

99. “A cuppa-cuppa-cuppa? That’s simple; you don’t need to write that down. A cup of flour, a cup of sugar, a cup of fruit cocktail with the juice, and you mix and bake at 350 to a golden bubbly.” – Truvy Jones

100. “It’s not supposed to happen this way! I’m supposed to go first. I’ve always been ready to go first. I—I don’t think I can take this.” – M’Lynn Eatenton

101. “Oh, Ouiser—I don’t wanna have to kill you.” – Drum Eatenton

102. “Annelle, take your Bible and shove it where the sun doesn’t shine.” – Ouiser Boudreaux

103. “Remember what Daddy always says: ‘an ounce of pretension is worth a pound of manure!’” – Shelby Eatenton

104. “What would I do with a radio station? Oh, business never interested me. Lloyd took care of all that stuff. Shelby, I hope you and Jackson will be as happy as Lloyd and I were. We had such a good time. Until November. Well, at least he hung on through the state playoffs.” – Clairee Belcher

105.Truvy Jones: “Was she hurt?”

Clairee Belcher: “I doubt it. She got hit in the head.”

106. “Are you speaking of our Lord? Is that whose name you’re taking in vain?” – Annelle Desoto

107. “Truvy, you know what you need in here? You need a radio—takes the pressure off of everyone feeling they have to talk so much.” – Shelby Eatenton

108. “All gay men have track lightin’. And all gay men are named Mark, Rick, or Steve.” – Clairee Belcher

109. “Ouiser, can we call a truce long enough for me to get a piece of cake?” – Drum Eatenton

110. “Mama, this nail polish is drying way too dark—looks like a stuck pig bled all over my hands.” – Shelby Eatenton

111. “I’ve just been to the dedication of the new children’s park.” – Clairee Belcher

112. “If Daddy catches you in here, whether or not I can carry your children will not matter. He will cut your thing off.” – Shelby Eatenton

113. “He’s a real gentleman! I bet he takes the dishes out of the sink before he pees in it!” – Ouiser Boudreaux

114. “Clairee, this is just a gesture. We’re not feedin’ Drum until the end of time.” – Ouiser Boudreaux

115. “I got to scare away about five zillion birds this afternoon before Shelby’s reception. If I don’t, I’ll have to deal with my wife, and I make it a point to never deal with my wife.” – Drum Eatenton

116. “At her age, she should be playin’ beat the clock.” – Clairee Belcher

117. “Oh, Ouiser, Drum would never point a gun at a lady!” – M’Lynn Eatenton

118. “Well, let me put it this way—if you and Jackson want to practice safe sex, you’re all set!” – M’Lynn Eatenton

119. “I should have never said that in front of Shelby.” – Ouiser Boudreaux

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