2. “The only reason people are nice to me is because I have more money than God.” – Ouiser Boudreaux
3. “I’m not crazy, M’Lynn, I’ve just been in a very bad mood for 40 years!” – Ouiser Boudreaux
4. “Smile, it increases your face value.” – Truvy Jones
5. “If he’s trying to drive me crazy, it’s too late.” – M’Lynn Eatenton
6. “I don’t trust anybody who does their own hair. I don’t think it’s natural.” – Truvy Jones
7. “I find it amusing. Men are supposed to be made out of steel or something.” – M’Lynn Eatenton
8. “Louie brought his new girlfriend over, and the nicest thing I can say about her is all her tattoos are spelled correctly.” – Truvy Jones
9. “It takes some effort to look like this.” – Truvy Jones
10. “You are evil, and you must be destroyed.” – Ouiser Boudreaux
11. “This is it, I’ve found it, I’m in hell.” – Ouiser Boudreaux
12. “You are a pig from hell.” – Ouiser Boudreaux
13. “There is no such thing as natural beauty.” – Truvy Jones
14. “I would rather have 30 minutes of wonderful than a lifetime of nothing special.” – Shelby Eatenton
15. “Honey, time marches on and sooner or later you realize it is marchin’ across your face.” – Truvy Jones
16. “Oh, honey, God don’t care which church you go, as long as you show up.” – Truvy Jones
17. “Shelby, as you know, wouldn’t want us to get mired down and wallow in this. We should handle it the best way we know how and get on with it. That’s what my mind says; I just wish somebody would explain it to my heart.” – M’Lynn Eatenton
18. “You want to go through with this. I don’t want to give back all the wedding presents. That VCR alone is worth getting married for, and I love you.” – Jackson Latcherie
19. “The older you get, the sillier you get.” – Clairee Belcher
20. “Oh, sweetheart, don’t. Please,, don’t cry or I will too. I have a strict policy that nobody cries alone in my presence.” – Truvy Jones
21. “But you get through it and life goes on.” – Shelby Eatenton
22. “I was there when that wonderful creature drifted into my life and I was there when she drifted out. It was the most precious moment of my life.” – M’Lynn Eatenton
23. “You know I love you more than my luggage.” – Clairee Belcher
24. “I just like the idea of growing old with somebody. My dream is to sit on the back porch covered with and say ‘no’ and ‘stop that.’” – Shelby Eatenton
25. “I really do love football, but it’s hard to parlay that into a reason to live.” – Clairee Belcher
26. “Mama, you worry too much. In fact, I never worry ’cause I always know you’re worried enough for the both of us. Jackson and I have given this a lot of thought.” – Shelby Eatenton
27. “Don’t try to get on my good side—I no longer have one.” – Ouiser Boudreaux
28. “You are special, Shelby. There are limits to what you can do.” – M’Lynn Eatenton
29. “That which does not kill us makes us stronger.” – Clairee Belcher
30. “When it comes to pain and suffering, she’s right up there with Elizabeth Taylor.” – Truvy Jones
31. “You know, you would be a much more contented, pleasant person if you would find ways to occupy your time.” – Clairee Belcher
32. “I’m not as sweet as I used to be.” – Ouiser Boudreaux
33. “Laughter through tears is my favorite emotion.” – Truvy Jones
34. “Oh, God, I wanna know why. Why? Lord, I wish I could understand!” – M’Lynn Eatenton
35. “There was no noise, no tremble, just peace.” – M’Lynn Eatenton
36. “The one thing that would make me happy is to have a baby. If I could adopt one, I would, but I can’t. I’m going to have a baby, and I wish you’d be happy too.” – Shelby Eatenton
37. “In a good shoe, I wear a size six, but a seven feels good, I buy a size eight.” – Truvy Jones
38. “Aww, thanks, Ouiser. Nothin’ like a good piece of ass.” – Drum Eatenton
39. “Well, we went skinny dipping and we did things that frightened the fish.” – Shelby Eatenton
40. “You sound almost chipper. What happened today, you run over a small child or something?” – Clairee Belcher
41. “Yeah, well the older you get, the uglier you get.” – Ouiser Boudreaux
42. “That is one ugly dog. What kind of dog is that?” – Annelle Desoto
43. “Well, you know what they say: if you don’t have anything nice to say about anybody, come sit by me!” – Clairee Belcher
44. “Janice Van Meter got hit with a . It was fabulous.” – Clairee Belcher
45. “Now, that is not true. When I was in school, a bunch of my friends and I would dress up as nuns and go bar-hoppin’.” – Ouiser Boudreaux
46. “Ouiser, I’d recognize this penmanship anywhere. You have the handwritin’ of a serial killer.” – Clairee Belcher
47. “There. My secret’s out. I’m having an affair with a Mercedes Benz!” – Ouiser Boudreaux
48. “Sammy’s so confused, he don’t know whether to scratch his watch or wind his butt.” – Truvy Jones
49. “Well, don’t you expect me to come to one of your churches or one of those tent-revivals with all those Bible-beaters doin’ God-only-knows-what! They’d probably make me eat a live chicken!” – Ouiser Boudreaux
50. “You can’t screw up her hair. You just tease it and make it look like a brown football helmet.” – Shelby Eatenton
51. “I’m pleasant. Damn it! I saw Drum Eatenton at the Piggly Wiggly this morning, and I smiled at the son of a bitch ‘fore I could help myself.” – Ouiser Boudreaux
52. “I realize as a woman how lucky I am.” – M’Lynn Eatenton
53. “Pink is my signature color.” – Shelby Eatenton
54. “The only thing that separates us from the animals is our ability to accessorize.” – Clairee Belcher
55. “Ouiser could never stay mad at me; she worships the quicksand I walk on.” – Clairee Belcher
56. “I can usually spot a bottle job at 20 paces.” – Truvy Jones
57. “I haven’t left the house without lycra on these thighs since I was 14.” – Truvy Jones
58. “I kind of like hiring somebody with a past.” – Truvy Jones
59. “I do not see plays, because I can nap at home for free. And I don’t see movies ’cause they’re trash, and they got nothin’ but naked people in ’em! And I don’t read books, ’cause if they’re any good, they’re gonna make ’em into a miniseries.” – Ouiser Boudreaux
60. “I’m too colorful for words.” – Clairee Belcher
61. “She can’t be more than 18, she hasn’t had time to have a past.” – Clairee Belcher
62. “I just thought Sammy won’t mind you reading the Bible in bed as long as you’re wearing something inspirational.” – Ouiser Boudreaux
63. “What’s the matter with you these days, M’Lynn? You got a reindeer up your butt?” – Ouiser Boudreaux
64. “I am an old Southern woman, and I am supposed to wear funny clothes, ugly hats, and dig in the dirt. I did not make the rules.” – Ouiser Boudreaux
65. “They were both high. They’d been smokin’ everything but their shoes.” – Clairee Belcher
66. “This is the ‘80s. If you can achieve puberty, you can achieve a past.” – Truvy Jones
67. “It’s in the ‘freezes beautifully’ section of my cookbook.” – Annelle Desoto
68. “Yes, Annelle, I pray! Well, I do! There, I said it, I hope you’re satisfied.” – Ouiser Boudreaux
69. “I didn’t know if you would hire someone who may or may not be married to someone who might be a dangerous criminal.” – Annelle Desoto
70. “Mother Nature’s taking care of that faster than you could.” – Clairee Belcher
71. “Very good, Annelle! You’ve spoken like a true smart-ass!” – Clairee Belcher
72. “And I can also report that a mysterious car is parked in her driveway at least once a week.” – Clairee Belcher
73. “My personal tragedy will not interfere with my ability to do good hair.” – Annelle Desoto
74. “Somebody’s gotta take ’em. I hate ’em. I try not to eat healthy food if I can possibly help it.” – Ouiser Boudreaux
75. “Ouiser, this is your chance to do something for your fellow man. Knock her lights out, M’Lynn!” – Clairee Belcher
76. “Shelby, you scared us. That wasn’t a nice thing to do to your mama. Never say that to a woman who’s marinatin’ 50 pounds of crab claws.” – Clairee Belcher
77. “Maybe she’s praying for Marshall and Drew and Belle. Maybe she’s praying for us because we’re gossiping. Maybe she’s praying because the elastic is shot in her pantyhose! She prays at the drop of a hat these days.” – Truvy Jones
78. “No time for thanks this morning; we’ll be busier than a one-armed paper hanger.” – Truvy Jones
79. “That sanctuary looks like it’s been hosed down with Pepto-Bismol.” – M’Lynn Eatenton
80. “There’s so much static electricity in the room, I pick up everything but boys and money.” – Truvy Jones
81. “Drum, eat shit, and die.” – Ouiser Boudreaux
82. “I think we should pray.” – Annelle Desoto
83. “Looks like two pigs fightin’ under a blanket.” – Clairee Belcher
84. “Now, see, that’s what really melts my butter.” – Truvy Jones
85. “I can’t even begin to think how you make gray icing!” – M’Lynn Eatenton
86. “You are too twisted for color TV!” – Ouiser Boudreaux
87. “He is a boil on the butt of humanity.” – Ouiser Boudreaux
88. “My colors are blush and bashful, Mama.” – Shelby Eatenton
89. “Oh, now that’s attractive, Ouiser.” – M’Lynn Eatenton
90. “Are you high, Clairee?!” – Ouiser Boudreaux
91. “Ugh. Leave me alone.” – Ouiser Boudreaux
92. “Ouiser, you look like hammered shit.” – Drum Eatenton
93. “We are in the house of the Lord.” – Annelle Desoto
94. “Ouiser, no one pays any attention to you.” – Clairee Belcher
95. “If it had hair, it’d be a Saint Bernard.” – Clairee Belcher
96. “I hate these stupid neighborhood things.” – Ouiser Boudreaux
97. “Hit this! Go ahead, M’Lynn, slap her! We’ll sell t-shirts sayin’ ‘I slapped Ouiser Boudreaux!’” – Clairee Belcher
98. “I’m just screamin’ at my husband; I can do that any time!” – Truvy Jones
99. “A cuppa-cuppa-cuppa? That’s simple; you don’t need to write that down. A cup of flour, a cup of sugar, a cup of fruit cocktail with the juice, and you mix and bake at 350 to a golden bubbly.” – Truvy Jones
100. “It’s not supposed to happen this way! I’m supposed to go first. I’ve always been ready to go first. I—I don’t think I can take this.” – M’Lynn Eatenton
101. “Oh, Ouiser—I don’t wanna have to kill you.” – Drum Eatenton
102. “Annelle, take your Bible and shove it where the sun doesn’t shine.” – Ouiser Boudreaux
103. “Remember what Daddy always says: ‘an ounce of pretension is worth a pound of manure!’” – Shelby Eatenton
104. “What would I do with a radio station? Oh, business never interested me. Lloyd took care of all that stuff. Shelby, I hope you and Jackson will be as happy as Lloyd and I were. We had such a good time. Until November. Well, at least he hung on through the state playoffs.” – Clairee Belcher
105.Truvy Jones: “Was she hurt?”
Clairee Belcher: “I doubt it. She got hit in the head.”
106. “Are you speaking of our Lord? Is that whose name you’re taking in vain?” – Annelle Desoto
107. “Truvy, you know what you need in here? You need a radio—takes the pressure off of everyone feeling they have to talk so much.” – Shelby Eatenton
108. “All gay men have track lightin’. And all gay men are named Mark, Rick, or Steve.” – Clairee Belcher
109. “Ouiser, can we call a truce long enough for me to get a piece of cake?” – Drum Eatenton
110. “Mama, this nail polish is drying way too dark—looks like a stuck pig bled all over my hands.” – Shelby Eatenton
111. “I’ve just been to the dedication of the new children’s park.” – Clairee Belcher
112. “If Daddy catches you in here, whether or not I can carry your children will not matter. He will cut your thing off.” – Shelby Eatenton
113. “He’s a real gentleman! I bet he takes the dishes out of the sink before he pees in it!” – Ouiser Boudreaux
114. “Clairee, this is just a gesture. We’re not feedin’ Drum until the end of time.” – Ouiser Boudreaux
115. “I got to scare away about five zillion birds this afternoon before Shelby’s reception. If I don’t, I’ll have to deal with my wife, and I make it a point to never deal with my wife.” – Drum Eatenton
116. “At her age, she should be playin’ beat the clock.” – Clairee Belcher
117. “Oh, Ouiser, Drum would never point a gun at a lady!” – M’Lynn Eatenton
118. “Well, let me put it this way—if you and Jackson want to practice safe sex, you’re all set!” – M’Lynn Eatenton
119. “I should have never said that in front of Shelby.” – Ouiser Boudreaux