1. “A demon can get into real trouble doing the right thing. Funny if we both got it wrong, eh? Funny if I did the good thing, and you did the bad one, eh?” – Crowley
2. “He ought to tell Crowley. No, he didn’t. He wanted to tell Crowley. He ought to tell Heaven.” – Aziraphale
3. “It’s not enough to know what the future is. You have to know what it means.” – Anathema Device
4. “Tomorrow will be all right. They’ll have forgotten about it then. They always do.” – Adam Young
5. “Don’t think of it as dying. Just think of it as leaving early to avoid the rush.” – Death
6. “So we are both working very hard in damp places and just canceling each other out.” – Crowley
7. “I don’t see what’s so triflic about creating people as people and then getting upset ’cause they act like people.” – Adam Young
8. “‘Still a demon?’ What kind of dumb question is that? What else am I going to be? An aardvark?” – Crowley
9. “It’s a big universe. Even if this all ends up in a puddle of burning goo, we can go off together.” – Crowley
10. “You don’t have a side anymore. Neither of us do. We’re on our own side.” – Crowley
11. “Come up with something, or I’ll never talk to you again.” – Aziraphale
12. “Oh well, let me tempt you to—oh, no, that’s, that’s your job, isn’t it.” – Aziraphale
13. “After a thousand years, it goes and does it all again.” – Crowley.
14. “Friends? We’re not friends. We are an angel and a demon. We have nothing whatsoever in common. I don’t even like you.” – Aziraphale
15. “You can’t kill me. There will be paperwork.” – Aziraphale
16. “Is it my fault they never checkup? I’m to blame they never checkup?” – Crowley
17. “I never asked to be a demon. I was just minding my own business one day and then, oh, lookie here, it’s Lucifer and the guys.” – Crowley
18. “I asked them for a rubber duck and made the Archangel Michael miracle me a towel.” – Aziraphale
19. “What are they putting in bananas these days?” – Crowley
20. “I didn’t mean to fall. I just hung around the wrong people.” – Crowley
21. “How long have we been friends? Six thousand years!” – Crowley
22. “It’s on the street, it knows the risks it’s taking.” – Crowley
23. “Aziraphale. The enemy, of course. But an enemy for 6,000 years now, which made him a sort of friend.” – Crowley
24. “Anyway, if you stop telling people it’s all sorted out after they’re dead, they might try sorting it all out while they’re alive.” – Adam Young
25. “Sometimes, despite everything, peace breaks out. People get tired of fighting, and pain, and death, and are willing to start all over again.” – Narrator
26. “Of course, we knew something was going on, but one somehow imagines this sort of thing happening in America. They go in for that sort of thing over there.” – Aziraphale
27. “This isn’t one of Shakespeare’s gloomy ones, is it? No wonder nobody’s here.” – Crowley
28. “The Kraken stirs, and 10 billion sushi dinners cry out for vengeance.” – Aziraphale
29. “If you’ve got to go, then go with style!” – Crowley
30. “I do not endorse everyday sexism.” – Pepper
31. Aziraphale: “We are here to lick some serious butt.”
Crowley: “‘Kick,’ Aziraphale. It’s ‘kick butt,’ for heaven’s sake. Oh! I can’t believe I just said that.”
32. Crowley: “You don’t like it?”
Aziraphale: “No, no, I didn’t say that. I’ll get used to it. What does the ‘J’ stand for?”
Crowley: “It’s just a ‘J,’ really.”
33. “If it all goes wrong, I want insurance. I wrote it down. Walls have ears. Well, not walls. Trees have ears. Ducks have ears. Do ducks have ears? Must do. That’s how they hear other ducks.” – Crowley
34. “Perhaps we should wait.” – Aziraphale
35. “God does not play games with the universe.” – Gabriel
36. “What, ’till he grows up? Shoot him, Aziraphale!” – Crowley
37. “People couldn’t become truly holy unless they also had the opportunity to be definitively wicked.” – Crowley
38. “Twenty-five, and the Lord spake unto the Angel that guarded the eastern gate, saying, ‘Where is the flaming sword that was given unto thee?’ Twenty-six, and the Angel said, ‘I had it here only a moment ago, I must have put it down somewhere, forget my own head next.’ Twenty-seven, and the Lord did not ask him again.” – Aziraphale
39. “I mean, do you know what eternity is? There’s this big mountain, see, a mile high, at the end of the universe, and once every thousand years there’s this little bird—.” – Crowley
40. “Oh, all right. No one’s actually going to get killed. They’re all going to have miraculous escapes. It wouldn’t be any fun otherwise.” – Crowley
41. “It is said that the Devil has all the best tunes—this is broadly true—but heaven has the best choreographers.” – Crowley
42. “I like pears.” – Aziraphale
43. “Well, then. Welcome to the end times.” – Aziraphale
44. “So the humans beat me to it. That’s not my fault.” – Aziraphale
45. “All I try and do is help, and now, I’m stuck in the garden.” – Adam
46. “Armageddon is days away and we lost the Antichrist. Why did the powers of Hell have to drag me into this anyway?” – Aziraphale
47. “Oh, it’s a new cologne. My barber suggested it.” – Aziraphale
48. “Just imagine how awful it might have been if we’d been at all competent.” – Aziraphale
49. “Well, don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure it’s because of all those memos you kept sending them, saying how amazingly well you were doing.” – Aziraphale
50. “Age does not wither, nor custom sale has infinite variety.” – Crowley
51. “Yes, but you told them you invented the Spanish Inquisition and started the Second World War.” – Aziraphale
52. “I meant, what is there in this world that truly makes living worthwhile?” – Ipslore
53. “He’d tried to become an official atheist and hadn’t got the rock-hard self-satisfied strength of belief even for that.” – Newton Pulsifer
54. “No, it isn’t. The Metatron’s made of plastic, and it’s got laser cannon, and it can turn into a helicopter.” – Crowley
55. “Not you. I know what you smell like. The Hell Hound has found its master.” – Crowley
56. “Don’t tell me from genetics. What’ve they got to do with it? Look at Satan. Created as an angel, grows up to be the great adversary. Hey, if you’re going to go on about genetics, you might as well say the kid will grow up to be an angel. After all, his father was really big in heaven in the old days. Saying he’ll grow up to be a demon just because his dad became one is like saying a mouse with its tail cut off will give birth to tailless mice. No. Upbringing is everything. Take it from me.” – Crowley
57. “Best not to speculate, really, you can’t second-guess ineffability, I always say. There’s right, and there’s wrong. If you do wrong when you’re told to do right, you deserve to be punished.” – Aziraphale
58. “You know, Crowley, I’ve always said that deep down inside, you’re really quite a—.” – Aziraphale
59. “It’s like you said the other day, you grow up reading about pirates, and cowboys, and spacemen, and stuff, and just when you think the world’s full of amazing things, they tell you it’s really all dead whales, and chopped-down forests, and nuclear waste hanging about for millions of years. Is not worth growing up for if you ask my opinion.” – Adam Young
60. “Yes, but you’re a demon. I’m not sure if it’s actually possible for you to do good. It’s down to your basic, you know, nature. Nothing personal, you understand.” – Aziraphale
61. “Evil always contains the seeds of its own destruction.” – Aziraphale
62. “Animals don’t kill each other with clever machines, Angel. Only humans do that.” – Crowley
63. “We may have both started off as angels, but you are fallen.” – Aziraphale
64. “Oh, that’ll be the Jeffrey Archer books, I’m afraid. Something smells evil.” – Sandalphon
65. “Everyone stretches the truth a bit in memos to head office.” – Crowley
66. “It’s not that bad when you get used to it.” – Crowley
67. “I would always know the stain was there.” – Aziraphale
68. “Hello? Aziraphale! For Go—. For Sa—. For somebody’s sake! Aziraphale!” – Crowley
69. “I’m sorry, I just got carried away.” – Aziraphale
70. “Get thee behind me, foul fiend.” – Aziraphale.
71. “That’s sexism, that is. Going around giving people girly presents just because they’re a girl.” – Pepper
72. “I felt it. Would I lie to you?” – Crowley
73. “My bike didn’t have gears. I’m sure my bike didn’t have gears.” – Anathema Device
74. “I told you. On his 11th birthday, at 3 o’clock in the afternoon. It’ll sort of home in on him. He’s supposed to name it himself.” – Crowley
75. “The trouble with trying to find a brown-covered book among brown leaves and brown water at the bottom of a ditch of brown earth in the brown, well, grayish light of dawn was that you couldn’t.” – Anathema Device
76. “You can’t leave, Crowley. There isn’t anywhere to go.” – Aziraphale
77. “Well, that was scrumptious. What are you in the mood for now?” – Aziraphale
78. “He opens the door and motions to Crowley after you.” – Aziraphale
79. “Let me tempt you to a spot of lunch?” – Crowley
80. Crowley: “You can stay at my place if you like.”
Aziraphale: “I don’t think my side would like that.”
81. Nazi Spy: “Mr. Anthony J. Crowley. Your fame precedes you.”
Aziraphale: “Anthony?”
82. “Temptation accomplished. Hmm. What about the Ritz? I believe a table for two has just miraculously come free.” – Aziraphale
83. “Where have you been?” – Crowley
84. “Adam, I still don’t understand the thing you were telling us about alien spaceships. If I was an alien, I wouldn’t be going around giving messages of universal peace and goodwill. I’d say, ‘This is a laser blaster. Prepare to die, rebel swine.'” – Pepper
85. “Rest in peace. You were a good car.” – Crowley
86. “She held her sword, and she smiled like a knife.” – Terry Pratchett, Author
87. “All tapes left in a car for more than about a fortnight metamorphose into Best of Queen albums.” – Terry Pratchett, Author
88. “He couldn’t see why people made such a fuss about people eating their silly old fruit anyway, but life would be a lot less fun if they didn’t. And there was never an apple, in Adam’s opinion, that wasn’t worth the trouble you got into for eating it.” – Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett, Authors
89. “A look of pain crossed the angel’s suddenly very serious face.” – Terry Pratchett, Author
90. “It may help to understand human affairs to be clear that most of the great triumphs and tragedies of history are caused, not by people being fundamentally good or fundamentally bad, but by people being fundamentally people.” – Neil Gaiman, Author
91. “There were people who called themselves Satanists who made Crowley squirm. It wasn’t just the things they did. It was the way they blamed it all on Hell.” – Terry Pratchett, Author
92. “Many people, meeting Aziraphale for the first time, formed three impressions—that he was English, that he was intelligent, and that he was gayer than a treeful of monkeys on nitrous oxide.” – Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett, Authors
93. “Why are we talking about this good and evil? They’re just names for sides. We know that.” – Neil Gaiman, Author
94. “The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.” – Terry Pratchett, Author
95. “If you don’t turn your life into a story, you just become a part of someone else’s story.” – Terry Pratchett, Author
96. “God does not play dice with the universe. He plays an ineffable game of His own devising, which might be compared, from the perspective of any of the other players to being involved in an obscure and complex variant of poker in a pitch-dark room, with blank cards, for infinite stakes, with a dealer who won’t tell you the rules, and who smiles all the time.” – Neil Gaiman, Author
97. “She was beautiful, but she was beautiful in the way a forest fire was beautiful—something to be admired from a distance, not up close.” – Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett, Authors
98. “Agnes was the worst prophet that’s ever existed because she was always right.” – Neil Gaiman, Author
99. “It has been said that civilization is 24 hours and 2 meals away from barbarism.” – Neil Gaiman, Author
100. “You’re hell’s angels, then? What chapter are you from?” – Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett, Authors
101. “Notoriety wasn’t as good as fame, but was heaps better than obscurity.” – Neil Gaiman, Author
102. “The rest of the time, you simply got on with life as best you could, just like everyone else.” – Terry Pratchett, Author
103. “Hell wasn’t a major reservoir of evil, any more than heaven, in Crowley’s opinion, was a fountain of goodness. They were just sides in the great cosmic chess game where you found the real McCoy, the real grace, and the real heart-stopping evil was right inside the human mind.” – Neil Gaiman, Author
104. “You don’t have to test everything to destruction just to see if you made it right.” – Neil Gaiman, Author
105. “He stared down at the golden curls of the Adversary, Destroyer of Kings, Angel of the Bottomless Pit, Great Beast that is called Dragon, Prince of This World, Father of Lies, Spawn of Satan, and Lord of Darkness. ‘You know,’ he concluded, after a while, ‘I think he actually looks like an Adam.'” – Neil Gaiman, Author
106. “Evil, in general, does not sleep, and therefore, doesn’t see why anyone else should.” – Terry Pratchett, Author
107. “There was no light at the end of the tunnel, or if there was, it was an oncoming train.” – Terry Pratchett, Author
108. “She was convinced that she was anorexic because every time she looked in the mirror, she did indeed see a fat person.” – Terry Pratchett, Author
109. “Potentially evil. Potentially good, too. I suppose. Just this huge powerful potentiality waiting to be shaped.” – Neil Gaiman, Author
110. “Death, and famine, and war, and pollution continued biking towards Tadfield, and grievous bodily harm, cruelty to animals, things not working properly even after you’ve given them a good thumping but secretly, no alcohol lager and really cool people traveled with them.” – Neil Gaiman, Author
111. “If you want to imagine the future, imagine a boy, and his dog, and his friends, and a summer that never ends.” – Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett, Authors
112. “The future came and went in the mildly discouraging way that futures do.” – Neil Gaiman, Author
113. “Loyalty was a great thing, but no lieutenants should be forced to choose between their leader and a circus with elephants.” – Neil Gaiman, Author
114. “If you sit down and think about it sensibly, you come up with some very funny ideas. Like, why make people inquisitive, and then put some forbidden fruit where they can see it with a big neon finger flashing on and off saying, ‘This is it!’?” – Neil Gaiman, Author
115. “The really important thing to be was yourself, just as hard as you could.” – Neil Gaiman, Author
116. “They did this in the subconscious hope that he might take the hint. Wensleydale gave the impression of having been born with a mental age of 47.” – Terry Pratchett, Author
117. “Here’s some advice, boy. Don’t put your trust in revolutions. They always come around again. That’s why they’re called revolutions.” – Terry Pratchett, Author
118. “Light thinks it travels faster than anything, but it is wrong. No matter how fast light travels, it finds the darkness, has always got there first and is waiting for it.” – Terry Pratchett, Author
119. “Time is a drug. Too much of it kills you.” – Terry Pratchett, Author
120. “Sometimes, glass glitters more than diamonds because it has more to prove.” – Terry Pratchett, Author
121. “Evil begins when you begin to treat people as things.” – Terry Pratchett, Author
122. “Nothing he could think up was half as bad as the stuff they thought up themselves. They seemed to have a talent for it. It was built into the design, somehow. They were born into a world that was against them in a thousand little ways and then devoted most of their energies to making it worse.” – Terry Pratchett, Author
123. “Although talking is perhaps the wrong word for what Crowley did. What he did was put the fear of God into them. More precisely, the fear of Crowley. In addition, to which, every couple of months, Crowley would pick out a plant that was growing too slowly or succumbing to leaf-wilt, or browning, or just didn’t look quite as good as the others, and he would carry it around to all the other plants.” – Neil Gaiman, Author
124. “Sometimes, human beings are very much like bees. Bees are fiercely protective of their hive, provided you are outside it. Once you’re in, the workers sort of assume that it must have been cleared by management and take no notice. Various freeloading insects have evolved a mellifluous existence because of this very fact. Humans act the same way.” – Neil Gaiman, Author
125. “Aziraphale collected books. If he were totally honest with himself, he would have to have admitted that his bookshop was simply somewhere to store them. He was not unusual in this. In order to maintain his cover as a typical second-hand bookseller, he used every means short of actual physical violence to prevent customers from making a purchase. Unpleasant damp smells, glowering looks, erratic opening hours—he was incredibly good at it.” – Terry Pratchett, Author
126. “You do know you could find yourself charged with being a dominant species while under the influence of impulse-driven consumerism, don’t you?” – Terry Pratchett, Author
127. “Many phenomena—wars, plagues, sudden audits have been advanced as evidence for the hidden hand of Satan in the affairs of man, but whenever students of demonology get together, the M25 London orbital motorway is generally agreed to be among the top contenders for Exhibit A.” – Neil Gaiman, Author
128. “Crowley had always known that he would be around when the world ended because he was immortal and wouldn’t have any alternative. But he hoped it was a long way off because he rather liked people. It was major failing in a demon. Oh, he did his best to make their short lives miserable because that was his job.” – Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett, Authors
129. “Human beings mostly aren’t evil. They just get carried away by new ideas like dressing up in jackboots and shooting people or dressing up in white sheets and lynching people, or dressing up in tie-dye jeans and playing guitar at people. Offer people a new creed with a costume, and their hearts and minds will follow.” – Terry Pratchett, Author
130. “Most books on witchcraft will tell you that work naked. This is because most books on witchcraft are written by men.” – Terry Pratchett, Author
131. “An angel who did not so much fall as saunter vaguely downwards.” – Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett, Authors
132. “Over the years, Crowley had found it increasingly difficult to find anything demonic to do which showed up against the natural background of generalized nastiness.” – Neil Gaiman, Author
133. “He’d surprised the huge ginger cat from next door and had attempted to reduce it to cowering jelly by means of the usual glowing stare and deep-throated growl which had always worked on the damned in the past.” – Terry Pratchett, Author
134. “It is ultimately negative and therefore, encompasses its downfall even at its moments of apparent triumph. No matter how grandiose, how well-planned, how apparently foolproof of an evil plan, the inherent sinfulness will by definition rebound upon its instigators. No matter how apparently successful it may seem upon the way, at the end, it will wreck itself. It will founder upon the rocks of iniquity and sink headfirst to vanish without trace into the seas of oblivion.” – Neil Gaiman, Author
135. “Bringing about Armageddon can be dangerous. Do not attempt it in your own home.” – Terry Pratchett, Author
136. “The ducks in St James’ Park are so used to being fed bread by secret agents meeting clandestinely that they have developed their own Pavlovian reaction.” – Neil Gaiman, Author
137. “There are some dogs which, when you meet them, remind you that despite thousands of years of man-made evolution, every dog is still only two meals away from being a wolf.” – Neil Gaiman, Author
138. “Shadwell hated all Southerners and, by inference, was standing at the North Pole.” – Terry Pratchett, Author
139. “It’d be a funny old world, he reflected, if demons went around trusting one another.” – Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett, Authors