1. “Now you might feel a little pressure.” – Major Payne

2. “Maybe not, but I can clean out your colon faster than one of those burritos with extra guacamole sauce!” – Major Payne

3. “Got no worries, got no stress.” – Major Payne

4. “I see what we have here is a failure to communicate. Do not attempt to valid my authority! I have eight weeks to turn you gaggling maggots into a well-disciplined unit. From this day forward, your sorry asses belong to me. You will not eat, sleep, drink, blow your nose, or dig in your butts without my say so. Know this—killing is my business, ladies, and business is good!” – Major Payne

5. “I never said family don’t break up. Don’t you watch Oprah?” – Major Payne

6. “Because he’s six? Woman, when I was six years old I had a full time job.” – Major Payne

7. “From now on, my little group of shaved scrotum sacks, you will walk like me, talk like me, eat like me, and until you win those games, you will be bald like me.” – Major Payne

8. “Major Payne just terminated that bad man with extreme prejudice!” – Cadet Kevin Dunn

9. “One! Don’t you feel dumb. Two! Look at you. Three! Don’t you ever make jokes about me behind my back, or else I’ll stomp you into the ground.” – Major Payne

10. “Maybe, what he needs is for you to pop your titty out his mouth, and let the boy grow up.” – Major Payne

11. “Don’t push the ‘maybes,’ baby.” – Major Payne

12. “Boy, I am two seconds from being on you, like white on rice in a glass of milk, on a paper plate in a snowstorm. I’m gonna put my foot so far up your ass, the water on my knee will quench your thirst.” – Major Payne

13. “From my heart, left ventricle; took it out myself with a field knife.” – Major Payne

14. “General, are you telling me that nowhere in the military is there any longer a job for trained human weapons of destruction such as myself? Surely there must be somebody left who needs some killing, or some killing done for them.” – Major Payne

15. “I don’t like it. It makes me feel all funny.” – Major Payne

16. “I’m just a bald headed son of a bitch without hair.” – Major Payne

17. “Major Payne’s a major pimp.” – Major Payne

18. “He’s trying to show you some affection.” – Emily Walburn

19. “He in there? If he’s still in there, he ain’t happy!” – Major Payne

20. “Sorry, Major. There’s nobody left. You’ve killed them all.” – General Decker

21. “You’d better give up, señor. You cannot kill us all!” – Drug Lord 

22. “A bullet. It’s somethin’ special. It’s from my heart.” – Major Payne

23. “Want me to show you a little trick to take your mind off that arm?” – Major Payne

24. “He makes us squat when we piss.” – Major Payne

25. “Let me tell you something ass-eyes. Let me tell you all something. War has made me very paranoid! And when you get to eye-balling me, makes my Agent Orange act up, makes me want to kill!” – Major Payne

26. “I didn’t stutter, I said pop-your-titty-out-his-mouth and stop babying him.” – Major Payne

27. “I tell ya, ladies, you’re the prettiest cadets under my command. I oughta change my name to Pimp Daddy Payne.” – Major Payne

28. “You’re still a shit sandwich. You’re just not a soggy one. From this moment, you are no longer turds. You have graduated to maggots!” – Major Payne

29. “You hold it, or else I’ll break it off, and kick it around on the ground!” – Major Payne

30. “Who’s the person that got me this blood on this lip? Who’s responsible? Don’t all run at once. Maybe no one’s responsible. I just had it comin’!” – Major Payne

31. “And I call you an insecure, overbearing, psychopathic, edictorial, egomaniacal, frigid lunatic asshole!” – Emily Walburn

32. “What about family, and unity, and all that other bullshit you said?” – Cadet Alex Stone

33. “You nasty little worm. Go change your huggies, boy!” – Major Payne

34. “What’s your damage, muscle head? You stupid? You ignorant or are you just plain old deaf?” – Major Payne

35. “You eye me one more time, I’ll snatch it out and put it in Heathcoat’s cookie bag!” – Major Payne

36. “I’m sorry Mr. Handicapped Man. Do you understand sign language? Can you read lips? Well, if you don’t answer me when I speak to you, I’m gonna put my foot in your ass, is that clear dummy?” – Major Payne

37. “What the hell was that, you little freckle face cartoon? Did I give you permission to sneeze, Opie?” – Major Payne

38. “Let me tell you something, I am not your damn brother!” – Major Payne

39. “Then you hold it before I kick your ass back to Mayberry.” – Major Payne

40. “Let’s move it, you turds. You’ll get no sympathy from me. You want sympathy, look in the dictionary between shit and syphilis. That’s where you’ll find my sympathy. This ain’t no walk in the park, let’s go. Hustle, hustle, hustle.” – Major Payne

41. “That’s not enough. Look at them, these animals are so pathetic that even their own commander didn’t even show up.” – Lieutenant 

42. “‘Slippery,’ he says. You think Charlie cares anything about slippery? The only thing he knows is to slit your throat. What if this were a life-or-death situation?” – Major Payne

43. “Any man that’d leave you outta be monkey-stomped and have his brains mailed back to his mother.” – Major Payne

44. “What are you laughing at, pig-boy? You find a piece of candy in your pocket? What’s your name, son?” – Major Payne

45. “You look like the Pillsbury Dough-boy. If I poke your stomach, will it make you laugh? We’re gonna have to make some room for your lunch, Bacon-boy. Get down there and give me 25 crunches, and count them out.” – Major Payne

46. “Major Payne reporting for duty, Sir!” – Major Payne

47. “You’re in charge of the green boys.” – Dr. Phillips

48. “Be advised, ladies. We are going to win the Virginia Military Games this year! You will note my emphasis on the word WIN: Whisky! India! November! Get used to the sound of that word!” – Major Payne

49. “Fighting is no longer being done out on the battlefields. Now, all the blood is shed in the halls of Congress, boys like us are becoming dinosaurs.” – Major Payne

50. “General, are you telling me that in this man’s military, is there no room for trained weapon of destruction?” – Major Payne

51. “Listen, I’ve made some calls and I have an assignment for you. It’s not great, you understand, but it gets you back in the military.” – General Decker

52. “The promotion board report came out last week. This is the new Lieutenant Colonel list, your name’s not on it. You get two chances to advance, then we have to show you the hatch. Basic man is cutting you discharge orders right now.” – General Decker

53. “Got no worries, got no care.” – Major Payne

54. “Come on, he can’t do this, leave him alone. I can barely do it. It’s slippery out here.” – Cadet Alex Stone

55. “Cadets, I’m pleased to announce the top two rated squads that will compete for first and second place in the Parade Drill Competition—Wellington Academy and Madison Academy.” – Colonel Braggart

56. “Major Payne, what are you doing here? I was told you were away on an important assignment.” – Colonel Braggart

57. “Lieutenant, I can only disqualify the cadet who started the disturbance.” – Colonel Braggart

58. “This is unsatisfactory. I demand the entire Madison Squad be disqualified from the final competition.” – Colonel Stone

59. “You hit that boy again, I’m gonna do more than salute you.” – Major Payne

60. “Nobody’s leaving here until you turds get this course down to 80 seconds.” – Major Payne

61. “I don’t call it babying, I call it nurturing.” – Emily Walburn

62. “I ain’t frigid.” – Major Payne

63. “Major Payne’s a major diss.” – Major Payne

64. “Because we feel good in a dress.” – Major Payne

65. “The ABC’s of being a positive male role model?” – Major Payne

66. “Payne’s not here, he’s in our ass!” – Cadet Williams

67. “Break it on down! Break it on down!” – Cadet Williams

68. “Butt’s so tight, he can’t pass gas!” – Cadet Williams

69. “Fe-Fi-Fo-Fum. What beanstalk you fall from?” – Major Payne

70. “Let’s go, let’s go, giddyup, let’s ride!” – Cadet Dotson

71. “One, tubby, tubby! Two, tubby, tubby!” – Major Payne

72. “Ain’t no need for name-calling!” – Major Payne

73. “Because you are the one with the biggest tits!” – Cadet Alex Stone

74. “The green boys, they wear those green things. You know what’s funny? When they stand in front of the bushes, I can’t see them!” – Dr. Phillips

75. “Major! What are the boys doing in those dresses?” – Emily Walburn

76. “That’s a very cynical plan.” – Emily Walburn

77. “Excuse me, what did you say?” – Emily Walburn

78. “Why do I have to wear the dress?” – Cadet Heathcoat

79. “You hold it, turd!” – Major Payne

80. “Well, maybe that’s because he’s six.” – Emily Walburn

81. “And I call it neutering.” – Major Payne

82. “Works every time.” – Major Payne

83. “You like the way I handled them white folks back there?” – Major Payne

84. “What happened to knocking first, Dotson?” – Cadet Alex Stone

85. “Maybe I like you a lot.” – Major Payne

86. “Oh, thank you. Now drop down and give me 25 more for speaking out of line!” – Major Payne

87. “You like to rhyme, boy?” – Major Payne

88. “They’re putting on a fashion show.” – Major Payne

89. “Used to be Samson, now I’m Ann.” – Major Payne

90. “Who’s the dummy now?” – Major Payne

91. “What happened? You terminate his command?” – Major Payne

92. “At ease, Payne. Relax. Do you know why you’re here?” – General Decker

93. “No, actually, he left. I wanted children, he didn’t.” – Emily Walburn

94. “Payne, what happened? You’ve only been out one week.” – General Decker

95. “I thought we had a little talk about this kind of negative reinforcement.” – Emily Walburn

96. “It’s civilian life, Sir. I had a minor setback.” – Major Payne

97. “Here, I got something for you.” – Major Payne

98. “Got to earn my right to be called a man.” – Major Payne

99. “They may not like me, but they will respect me.” – Major Payne

100. “Here. I want you to read this book. Read it. Apply it.” – Emily Walburn

101. “Major Payne, can you please help me to understand why you shaved the children bald?” – Emily Walburn

102. “Most blood is now shed in the halls of Congress, Payne. Guys like us are becoming dinosaurs.” – General Decker

103. “He’s a little upset about this morning. Apparently, he had a little accident.” – Emily Walburn

104. “Do you really think this is the best way to gain the respect and admiration of these young men?” – Emily Walburn

105. “I’m surprised, you ain’t dropped ’bout 12 puppies by now. Ain’t you never been married?” – Major Payne

106. “What, boy? What? What? What?” – Major Payne

107. “Their pantyhose is falling down.” – Student

108. “My finger, my finger!” – Marine Private

109. “Major Payne! I have to go to the bathroom.” – Cadet Kevin Dunn

110. “Oh, that’s my little incentive program. These boys have to earn their do—their hair-do that is.” – Major Payne

111. “Ahhhh! My arm, my arm!” – Marine Private

112. “Well, that’s all this is. Now, you better run on up to your room before that man jump out the closet and chop your little head off!” – Major Payne

113. “Chooga chooga chooga chooga, chooga chooga chooga chooga, toot toot!” – Major Payne

114. “Yo, Dumbo. You should be able to fly through those tubes with them big-ass ears, boy.” – Major Payne

115. “Williams, you tell Marlee Matlin’s son to get across that rope before I hang him with it.” – Major Payne

116. “Aw, phooey! Don’t you ever read any of those stories about little people who do big things? Little Red Riding Hood! The Three Little Pigs! Spike Lee! The Little Rascals! How about the Little Engine That Could!” – Major Payne

117. “To be continued. When I come back, I’ll tell you what Bubba used as a penis!” – Major Payne

118. “What do you want, Mr. Pee-Body?” – Major Payne

119. “Hello cue balls! Welcome to the house of Payne!” – Major Payne

120. “Heathcoat, get your side-of-pork booty over that wall.” – Major Payne

121. “I guess I just had that one a coming. Well, you know what y’all got a comin’? 723 hour days of fun and adventure. I’m gonna make you boys strong!” – Major Payne

122. “What could be more important than having my boys winning this here competition? I suggest we get this party started. Is that okay with you Colonel?” – Major Payne

123. “A squad that lives together, wins together! Unity, turds—that is the key word in ‘UNIT,’ without the ‘Y!’” – Major Payne

124. “One, two, three, four—I love the Marine Corps.” – Major Payne

125. “Come on, guys. Relax, it’s just a dummy grenade.” – Cadet Alex Stone

126. “You know, there ain’t no pets allowed on this premises, Mr. Ace Ventura.” – Major Payne

127. “Negative. I figure if the Marines wanted me to have a wife, they would’ve issued me one.” – Major Payne

128. “That’s just it. This isn’t a life-or-death situation.” – Cadet Alex Stone

129. “Well, thank you, Benson. How about you? Was there ever a Ms. Payne?” – Emily Walburn

130. “My name is Major Benson Winifred Payne! As of 0800, I am replacing Major Frankfurt as your commanding officer!” – Major Payne

131. “Let me be more direct—they hate you.” – Emily Walburn

132. “Hello, little fella. What you had was a nightmare. You know what a nightmare is?” – Major Payne

133. “Yeah, well at least it won’t backfire. Besides, they started it.” – Major Payne

134. “Apparently, he pissed all over the front of his pants.” – Major Payne

135. “They won’t let me go on a ‘Black Op,’ because I’m too little, and nobody ever lets you do anything when you’re little.” – Cadet Kevin Dunn

136. “You like a black man to handle things?” – Major Payne

137. “Shut up over there.” – Major Payne

138. “Actually, Sir, he is deaf.” – Cadet Wuliger

139. “Really? Well, where did you get it?” – Emily Walburn

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