And don’t forget to check out these and .

1. “They’re saying I’m a serial killer, but I’m just a chronic masturbater.” – Andrew Glouberman

2. “You really want to get your tongue underneath hers, too. Yeah, you want to get in there like a Claritin to just dissolve.” – Andrew Glouberman

3. “Love dies, let’s bury the body together.” – Coach Steve

4. “Andrew, I think the mother and sister are about to f*ck.” – Maury the Hormone Monster

5. “Puberty Fairy? I’m the hormone monster. I’m no fairy. I mean sure I like to f*ck around with dudes, but I’m no fairy.” – Maury the Hormone Monster

6. “This kid is a g*dd*mn prodigy. I think he’s his own hormone monster.” – Maury the Hormone Monster

7. “So, you can take your destiny and go f*ck yourself.” – Nick Birch

8. “My whole body is tense, like Joe Biden is whispering a dirty joke in my ear.” – Andrew Glouberman

9. “I’m your hormone monstress, baby, I know everything!” – Constance the Hormone Monstress

10. “Hey man, I got a medical emergency so I gotta bounce. Jack off twice and page me in the morning.” – Maury the Hormone Monster

11. “All I wanted was a bl*wj*b at a high school party, is that such a crime?” – Val Bilzerian

12. “Listen to me! You want to shoplift lipstick, you want to listen to Lana Del Rey on repeat while you cut up all your t-shirts, you want to scream at your mother and then laugh at her tears!” – Constance the Hormone Monstress

13. “You look like a hot hunk of cheese.” – Maury the Hormone Monster

14. “Spoken like a two-faced f*ck*n’ gemini.” – Maury the Hormone Monster

15. “You’re getting your hair pubed?” – Andrew Glouberman


16. “You lean your head back, arch your crotch in the air and say, ‘Dinner is served.’” – Maury the Hormone Monster

17. “I wanna go to South Beach to see a wet dick contest.” – Constance the Hormone Monstress

18. “I just wish you could see your dick the way I do.” – Maury the Hormone Monster

19. “Vive la France! Let them eat cock.” – Maury the Hormone Monster

20. “Pressure, yes. Let’s get your mom’s panini press. We’ll make a pan-enis. The house will smell for weeks.” – Maury the Hormone Monster

21. “If everyone ate just a little more p*ss*, the world would be a better place, baby.” – Ladybug

22. “My tone can suck a dick.” – Nick Birch

23. “I love big and I love hard.” – Constance the Hormone Monstress

24. “What, like a show about a bunch of kids masturbating?” – Andrew Glouberman

25. “If I was gonna f*ck a turkey, I would warm it up, like a g*dd*mn gentleman!” – Jay Bilzerian

26. “You’re gonna sit on his face and use that hair as a seat belt.” – Mona the Hormone Monstress

27. “She might be f*ck*ng with you, but I think we love it.” – Maury the Hormone Monster

28. “Yeah, let’s be sexy pirates with peg legs made of dildos.” – Constance the Hormone Monstress

29. “I love how you inspire me to jack off.” – Nick Birch

30. “Big dick boy! Get f*ck*d! Eat salt water taffy!” – Nick Birch


31. “I’m actually grateful for a lot of things.” – Jessi Glaser

32. “You sing like a g*dd*mn angel, and you got the heart of a champion.” – Maury the Hormone Monster

33. “I gotta withhold my seed for the safety of mankind.” – Andrew Glouberman

34. “Teach me the ways of your kingdom.” – Jay Bilzerian

35. “I have nothing and nobody.” – Jessi Glaser

36. “I’m a person, not something to hide.” – Natalie

37. “Just to be clear, ‘different’ is not a compliment.” – Mona the Hormone Monstress

38. “Hold your feelings in, like your sh*t.” – Maury the Hormone Monster

39. “Reality is only a construct.” – Caleb

40. “Everybody seems to be doing super great, and I’m kind of not.” – Jessi Glaser

41. “I felt the music wash over me. It had me, right then and there.” – Ghost of Duke Ellington

42. “I like it when things are as bad for you as they are for me.” – Andrew Glouberman

43. “I’m not nervous. I’m just uncertain how things will go and, therefore, deeply terrified.” – Matthew MacDell

44. “But please, don’t make me regret opening my heart to you.” – Missy Foreman-Greenwald

45. “You guys don’t understand the politics of childhood.” – Nick Birch

46. “I think I thought I was, like, a big dick boy, but I think I was just being a dick.” – Nick Birch

47. “You somehow made farting even cooler.” – Maury the Hormone Monster

48. “Sorry, I fart when I’m lying.” – Andrew Glouberman

49. “You’re like a demon Oprah.” – Jessi Glaser

50. “Ugh, my brain is a tuna melt.” – Jessi Glaser

51. “By the end of the semester, you’ll be eating your own ass.” – Maury the Hormone Monster

52. “Yeah, I feel like a dirty piece of meat. Like a slab of prime rib that knows what’s what.” – Lola

53. “Smile, but with your penis.” – Maury the Hormone Monster

54. “What are you gonna wear? What am I gonna wear? What are my dicks gonna wear? Probably just, like, a top and jeans.” – Maury the Hormone Monster

55. “Every time I move, I fart.” – Andrew Glouberman

56. “Tick-tock. It’s dick punch o’clock. And I don’t like to be late.” – Missy Foreman-Greenwald

57. “My balls are about to sh*t.” – Jay Bilzerian

58. “I’ll be here farting up in your bed.” – Constance the Hormone Monstress

59. “Dad, your breath smells like p*ss*.” – Judd Birch

60. “So, life started because a giant alien had sex with the Earth? I don’t know. That sounds like Scientology.” – Andrew Glouberman

61. “Smooches are for the weekend and the last I checked, it’s Wednesday. ” – Lars

62. “What is the point of research papers? Everything’s on Wikipedia, and it’s all completely accurate.” – Nick Birch

63. “Marty Glouberman doesn’t relax. The man eats on the toilet to save time.” – Andrew Glouberman

64. “You don’t have to be an astrophysicist to know that you’re a star.” – Lars

65. “Will, if you’re a p*ss* and you’re a gaping *ssh*l*, then I must be the world’s luckiest taint.” – Elliot Birch

66. “All you had to do was kiss a dude. Most straight guys do it by accident.” – Maury the Hormone Monster

67. “It’s a thing and you don’t love it, you’re obsessed with it.” – Diane Birch

68. “I’m likable, that’s my thing.” – Missy Foreman-Greenwald

69. “Now, get in the slide and suck that boy’s face.” – Maury the Hormone Monster

70. “Look, in the future, we’re all gonna be either a Lyft driver or a billionaire.” – Nick Birch

71. “Behold the sun, the fiery *n*s of the sky.” – Maury the Hormone Monster

72. “You’re becoming your own person and it’s rad.” – Leah Birch

73. “You cannot run from destiny.” – Andrew Glouberman

74. “This place looks like the Holocaust Museum.” – Andrew Glouberman

75. “I wish women were more sex-positive but we’re just not there yet.” – Daniel

76. “F*ck you, sit on this. F*ck your family.” – Andrew Glouberman

77. “I will smash your brain into a smoothie and drink your thoughts!” – Lola

78. “This might be my morning soda talking, but f*ck everybody, I’m outta here.” – Andrew Glouberman

79. “Rage, rage, f*ck*ng rage!” – Andrew Glouberman

80. “Just jerk yourself off and get your sh*t together!” – Jay Bilzerian

81. “I’m not payin’ for this crazy woman’s b*llsh*t rehab.” – Marty Glouberman

82. “Daniel, you’ve been a busy little *ssh*l*, huh?” – Matthew McDell

83. “You’re sl*t shaming me. Shame on you.” – Daniel

84. “She’s the worst. I hate how she ‘huchs’ her words.” – Jessi Glaser

85. “I’m a gaping *ssh*l*. Respect my truth.” – Judd Birch

86. “You’re gonna f*ll*t* him so hard, he’s gonna forget the Pledge of Allegiance.” – Mona the Hormone Monstress

87. “I am not a kid, for your information. I am 60 years old. I remember when Moses was president. ” – Jessi Glaser

88. “If you whiny nobodies hate the play so much, just quit.” – Lola

89. “Quick, stuff your bra with bacon. Boys love bacon.” – Constance the Hormone Monstress

90. “I’m like Young Sheldon, if he f*ck*d.” – Jay Bilzerian

91. “You look like a coconut that fell into a campfire.” – Matthew McDell

92. “And this whole prix fixe menu is a scam! Who orders dessert at the beginning of the meal, like a serial killer?” – Marty Glouberman

93. “Boys are animals—full of c*m and fury.” – Jay Bilzerian

94. “I may have bitten off more than I can f*ck.” – Jay Bilzerian

95. “I guess I should go to school, even though there’s no p*rn there.” – Andrew Glouberman

96. “Happy Valentine’s Day, my little baby Bunsen burner.” – Constance the Hormone Monstress

97. “The mons pubis? Oh, it’s the welcome mat to the pleasure palace.” – Jessi Glaser

98. “I gotta be honest with you. I know I seem like a real gigolo, but actually I’m a little nervous because I’m a total virgin.” – Coach Steve

99. “Wrong? We’re in Florida. The state bird is a finger.” – Maury the Hormone Monster

100. “Good night, you prince of Westchester, you king of the tri-state area.” – Maury the Hormone Monster

101. “Gay Town sounds fun, but I’ve thought a lot about it, and I belong in Biami.” – Jay Bilzerian

102. “Ah, 1913, it was America’s puberty, and my puberty too.” – Ghost of Duke Ellington

103. “Kids just don’t nut like they used to.” – Maury the Hormone Monster

104. “Yeah, I got a nice big solid seat, don’t I?” – Andrew Glouberman

105. “I watched a dog lick SpaghettiOs off a baby’s head.” – Nick Birch

106. “Fat package. I feel better now.” – Missy Foreman-Greenwald

107. “Dickarus is flying too close to the sun.” – Maury the Hormone Monster

108. “That’s it, man! Your penner is a choo-choo train and her sweetie is a townie.” – Maury the Hormone Monster

109. “Holy sh*t, I hope not! I mean, maybe if it’s animated, we could get away with it. Right?” – Maury the Hormone Monster

110. “We’ve got wet salami sandwiches in tinfoil, a thermos of clam chowder, and some Chex Mix in an old Band-Aid box. Help yourself.” – Marty Glouberman

111. “It’s when a man pushes a woman’s head to try to get a blowjob.” – Jessi Glaser

112. “You can mons push me all you want.” – Andrew Glouberman

113. “Not yet, that’s why we gotta get to the bathroom, Sweetheart!” – Maury the Hormone Monster

114. “I got it at Topman, yet it screams bottom.” – Matthew McDell

115. “You’re f*ck*ng funny. She’s funny! We’re friends now.” – Matthew McDell

116. “I crave emotional intimacy. Because my parents have a no-touch policy with me. So I don’t really feel human contact at all.” – Jay Bilzerian

117. “I have an H and a G and all that’s missing is U.” – Elliot Birch

118. “You guys realize DNA is a hoax created by gay scientists, right?” – Jay Bilzerian

119. “She was your friend, then she was your lover, now she’s your enemy.” – Jay Bilzerian

120. “My dad says when you take into account maternity leave, you do get equal pay.” – Jay Bilzerian

121. “It’s not for me but people will like it. It’s Starbucks. It’s what America wants.” – Matthew McDell

122. “Since when did being called a beautiful genital become an insult?” – Elliot Birch

123. “My bros and I are developing a sh*tst*rm worth of extreme sports, like breakball, golf punch, and peep-kour.” – Jay Bilzerian

124. “Men are threatened by women who don’t shy away from conflict.” – Caleb

124. “You could have been lured into an electronics store by a pushy Israeli and forced to buy a camera you don’t want.” – Barbara Glouberman

126. “Woody Allen was accused of molestation. He says he didn’t do it, but he did marry his . It is both very complicated and very simple.” – Caleb

127. “Those girls are gonna eat him alive and then barf him back out because they’re bulimic.” – Jessi Glaser

128. “The girls should not be punished because the boys won’t control themselves.” – Jessi Glaser

129. “Steve, do you ever get lonely?” – Jessi Glaser

130. “No! Oh, f*ck a duck. I’m gonna go? I’m gonna go f*ck a duck.” – Maury the Hormone Monster

131. “Being a woman is misery.” – Statue of Liberty

132. “Don’t care for men, either. I don’t like people in general.” – Marty Glouberman

133. “Jesus, is there anything good about being a woman?” – Jessi Glaser 

134. “I’m not gonna ask a girl. I don’t need that kind of rejection.” – Andrew Glouberman

135. “If you’re here to tell me how terrible being a woman is, already—.” – Jessi Glaser

136. “Being young, gay, and mean is not a personality.” – Older gay man

137. “I can’t believe I’m in the seventh grade and already over high school.” – Matthew McDell

138. “Jessi, I loved it. A few small thoughts. You sang great. The breath in here is—it’s terrible.” – Nick Birch

139. “We hate camp. It stinks like trees. And the boy only likes to poop at home.” – Maury the Hormone Monster

140. “Eleanor Roosevelt once said, quote, ‘Do one thing every day that scares you,’ closed quote, and I think this red bra scares both of us.” – Jessi Glaser

141. “Okay, Steve, you’re going to have to learn your letters.” – Miss G 

142. “Okay, I admit some of these girls are kind of pretty, but my mom says real beauty is on the inside.” – Jessi Glaser

143. “The problem with your sink is that I have no idea how to fix it.” – Coach Steve

144. “I feel kind of nervous, you know? I’m just a little fuzzy on the details.” – Coach Steve

145. “Look, I know this all seems embarrassing right now but maybe one day, you’ll look back on this time fondly and perhaps even make something beautiful out of it.” – Maury the Hormone Monster

146. “I mean until Trump got elected, was going to be on the $20 bill.” – Nick Birch

147. “Clip-clop, I’m a little show pony.” – Lola

148. “Read the tea leaves, honey!” – Andrew Glouberman

149. “I’m going to do sex on a lady, and a lady is going to do sex on me.” – Coach Steve

150. “Well, obviously, I know the big song. Teepee, fat guy, sideways moon, other fat guy, sideways comb!” – Coach Steve

151. “I know I’m a broken record with this but mercury is in retrograde.” – Maury the Hormone Monster

152. “I think it’s gonna be Papa John now.” – Nick Birch

153. “I 100% f*ck my pillow. First, I make a slit. Not too long, careful as to not rip the edges, making what I call ‘the husband stitch’. Then, I take two Ziploc bags and I fill them with Amy’s Organic Lentil Soup, which I microwave to exactly 98.6 degrees is not enough to burn you, but just enough to feel warm and inviting. Then I place them in the slit of the pillow. There’s another slit in the back, but that’s only for my birthday.” – Jay Bilzerian

154. “You’re a little f*ck*n’ freak, I like hanging out with you.” – Maury the Hormone Monster

155. “I think I put my pener in her sweetie.” – Coach Steve

156. “Are we really doing the Electric Slide right now?” – Nick Birch

157. “I live balls out and I give zero f*cks.” – Jay Bilzerian

158. “I’m what’s known in the medical community as a man baby.” – Coach Steve

159. “Why do you smell so good?” – Jessi Glaser

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