And make sure to read these and .
1. “My success, literally, is your success figuratively.”
2. “Quotes are for dumb people who can’t think of something intelligent to say on their own.”
3. “I think no matter what you do, a certain amount of people are going to call you a sellout, somehow, you know. If I ever start trying to make a living on it.”
4. “Roses are grey, violets are a different shade of grey, let’s go chase cars!”
5. “Those in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones, or m*st*rb*t* during the daytime.”
6. “Laughter is the best medicine, ya’know, besides medicine.”
7. “The strange thing with Wikipedia is that the first article that ever gets written about you will define your Wikipedia page forever.”
8. “If Jesus can walk on water, can he swim on land?”
9. “The average person has one fallopian tube.”
Also read:
10. “In high school, I worked eight hours a day just so I could get into the college of my dreams and say that I got in—and I never went.”
11. “Being famous is , and that’s something you can’t bank on.”
12. “I want it to be surprising and rich and fun to watch, and maybe a little confusing. It’ll be very loud and very quiet and very sad and very happy, with things that have you leaving the theatre going, ‘what’ and not ‘what’ with a question mark, just ‘what’, period.”
13. “I was doing theater in my high school, and I started writing sort of silly songs on the piano backstage in summer theater. I eventually put them online and started getting this little following.”
14. “Since I got an audience before I even had a comic voice, my material that really wasn’t worthy of an audience somehow got it, slightly unfairly.”
15. “The huge step that we’re gonna have to take is to stop defying our biology and to move away from it, so I think all of that stuff will be the huge hump for humans, just to stop giving a f*ck. And that’s exciting and it’s fun and it’s weird, but I feel like there are some people holding up the walls of the little death star trash compactor like, ‘no, but ‘men and women’ are different’ like, why not embrace this sort of incredible storm that’s happening in the middle of them, of the sides, dissolving?”
16. “I was definitely not the kid that just wanted to be famous for no reason whatsoever and then happened to find comedy. Fame and all that stuff have always been slightly terrifying to me, and it makes me very anxious.”
17. “At one point when I was very young, when I was first starting out, I thought, ‘Well, one day I’ll be able to put all the music away and become a real comedian.’ But then I realized there are amazing musical comedians out there, that musical comedy is probably something I’ll always want to pursue.”
18. “At the time of ‘Words, Words, Words,’ I’m a 19-year-old getting up feeling like he’s entitled to do comedy and tell you what he thinks of the world, so that’s inherently a little bit ridiculous.”
19. “All my fans saw me as some little kid who can’t even afford new jeans in his room, so they’ll support me. That’ll work until I become a success.”
20. “The classic comedian says there’s nothing that’s taboo; if you laugh at one thing you’ve got to laugh at everything, that comedy is taking people to dark areas and showing them the light.”
21. “I would say don’t take advice from people like me who have gotten very lucky. We’re very biased. You know, like Taylor Swift telling you to is like a lottery winner telling you, ‘Liquidize your assets, buy Powerball tickets—it works!’”
22. “I do weird things, and people watch.”
23. “You pray so badly for Heaven. Knowing any day might be the day that you die.”
24. “I’ve found nothing but support and from older comics. I think comedians are a lot nicer than the stigma is, at least from my experience.”
25. “I misdirect the audience, so they have no idea where they are or who they’re listening to.”
26. “I m*st*rb*t* ‘cause I’m the only one whose standards are low enough to f*ck me!”
27. “If I have enough money to support myself, I’ll just give stuff away. I want people to see it and I want to be able to do this for a living, you know what I mean? So it’s just a balance. If I’m not doing well for five years, then I’m selling stuff, but if I’m doing well and I can afford to give stuff away, I’ll always do that.”
28. “If I had posted my first video a week later, I don’t know if it would have spread as it did. That’s why, with everything I do, I try to enjoy the making of it instead of worrying about the release and reception.”
29. “Your hard work and talent will not pay off.”
30. “I think love-hate is fundamental. Everyone hates reality television, and everyone’s watching it. Everyone hates Facebook, and everyone is on it.”
31. “Facebook became ubiquitous when I was 16, so I vaguely formed a sense of myself a little bit. I had kind of learned to think a little bit before the stuff was everywhere.”
32. “The thing is, I was on YouTube like the golden era, I think. Before ads came in, it was really cool back then.”
33. “The strange thing was, when I was starting on YouTube, even the paradigm of YouTube and Internet sensation—or whatever—didn’t really exist. So I didn’t even know that that was a thing.”
34. “YouTube is a place for people to share their ideas. If by people you mean 13-year-old girls and by ideas you mean how they love the Jonas Brothers.”
35. “I’ve always liked the format of YouTube, sharing things for free, which is a nice exchange between people.”
36. “Basically, I don’t like to tweet stuff about my life. I only like to tweet jokes.”
37. “I think because of the Internet I was able to study comedy from quite a young age and watch a lot of comedy.”
38. “The Internet is so crazy, and you’re exposed to so many things. In an hour, you can really jump around.”
39. “That’s what YouTube’s become, it’s become like a lot of vloggers capitalizing on this sort of like ‘My fans, I love my fans, hey guys.’ I’ve grown up and kind of been disgusted by that. I think it’s using people, I think it’s like something that’s unhealthy, telling people you love them. ‘I love you.’ Oh really, you love your fans? You love the people that give you money and attention? Of course, you do, that’s not selfless, that you love your fans, that’s ridiculous.”
40. “My first concern is that when you go to a show, you should be present. It’s much more exciting to put the camera down and lose yourself in it.”
41. “I definitely like making music in the studio, but I never had it out to make a CD specifically.”
42. “Music is really, really mathematical.”
43. “I like to inject a bit of production value and flair to comedy, or at least to my little corner of comedy.”
44. “I always wanted to be a comedian but never thought I’d be a musical comedian.”
45. “I just like to write and then perform.”
46. “There’s only one rule in stand-up, which is that you have to be funny. Yet 99 percent of comics look and talk exactly the same.”
47. “I don’t want to monitor my audience too closely, as that can really drive you crazy.”
48. “I’ve always liked TV shows that have slightly unlikeable leads, where you root for them in spite of a lot of things. I know it’s not common with shows with young people; they have to be so likable. But, I mean, teenagers just generally aren’t very likable. I know I wasn’t a teenager.”
49. “Most of my songs make fun of myself.”
50. “At once I feel that comedy is this amazing sort of transcendent thing, and I’m also open to the fact that maybe it’s just an evolutionary hiccup, something that upright apes do in their free time.”
51. “Comedy doesn’t really matter that much, I know that. I treat it like an adult.”
52. “Meta-comedy is everywhere and always seems so cold and to me is really kinda snarky.”
53. “Comedy is the one absolutely self-aware art form. Actually, hip-hop’s another one, I suppose. Because in your songs you’re talking about how good a hip-hop artist you are. It’s like a painter painting a painting of himself painting a painting.”
54. “For me, comedy is constantly presented as this fake casualness, like a guy just walked on stage going, ‘This crazy thing happened to me the other day.’ And he’s in front of 3000 people, and he’s acting like an everyman, and he’s getting paid so much money.”
55. “I try and write satire that’s well intentioned. But those intentions have to be hidden. It can’t be completely clear, and that’s what makes it a comedy.”
56. “I think the comedy clubs tend to homogenize the acts a little bit because they force them to be palatable in way too many environments.”
57. “Comedy should be a source of positivity. I don’t want to bully people, and I don’t want people to come to my show to feel terrible about something. So I’m actually very open to having a conversation about what I should or shouldn’t say.”
58. “I think comedy has a range, with multiple peaks in different areas. It’s like trying to compare Beethoven and the Beatles. Sometimes I hear from people, ‘I think you try too hard in your comedy.’ And that’s what I worry about.”
59. “Postmodern comedy doesn’t work well with very old audiences, because it’s making fun of the comedy they enjoy.”
60. “For me, if you distill comedy down, it is a surprise and the unexpected. That has to be at its most base level, in any form.”
61. “In comedy, falling means laughter. You can take something sacred and make it silly. The more sacred it is, the funnier it is. It has a bigger drop to fall.”
62. “I do think that stand-up comedy in general heavily favors masculinity and so I like to act a little feminine onstage.”
63. “Comedy is very strange to me and I don’t fully understand its purpose or function.”
64. “If comedy is about surprises, about tension, there’s a lot of tension and surprise there, in the fact that people are expecting this to be natural.”
65. “Once a week, I like to slip into a deep existential depression where I lose all my sense of oneness and self-worth.”
66. “I’ve come across people referring to themselves as ‘Vine famous.’ Some of them started out by putting up Vines just for fun, then all of a sudden they get a bunch of fans, and a week later their Vines are totally different. They become obsessed with how their videos will be perceived.”
67. “A few people know me, and the few people that do know me only know me because they dig my stuff.”
68. “I think it would collapse my heart if I was super famous. I don’t have the nerve for it, I’m too anxious. I don’t know how you’re not obsessed with how people perceive you, because they’re real people, you know? You can convince yourself that they don’t really know you, and that’s true, but how can it not hurt your feelings?”
69. “People look at me and go, ‘He’s only successful because he’s got a bunch of 16-year-old girls at his back who don’t understand comedy.’ Well, they do. In any case, no one hates me more than I do, no one’s more self-conscious about that than I am.”
70. “I’m clearly doing what I want. I hope kids can see my act and feel like they can be slightly more comfortable in their own skin because I’m being so ridiculously comfortable in mine. I’m not that comfortable in my skin the moment I walk offstage. But I try to project that while I’m on it.”
71. ”I’m bored way too easily. I’m staring at screens half the day. I need to be overstimulated. And how will that express itself artistically?”
72. “I always loved bands who would try to change their sound radically album to album, an experiment in one album and revert back in another.”
73. “I always think of myself as a comedy feeder type person, and that feeder lets themselves as opposed to straight stand up, that feels like honing one skill, like honing one point of view.”
74. “I was being called a shock comic. I hated that. It’s so cheap and stupid.”
75. “The strength of comedy is I don’t have to answer to anybody, but sometimes you want to learn from other people and see your ideas strengthened by other people.”
76. “I fully embrace myself as a hypocrite.”
77. “I’ve kind of stopped valuing laughter as the end-all measurement of what I’m doing.”
78. “My work is trying to at least define myself on my own terms, and then if other people enjoy things that are a lovely addition.”
79. “Don’t worry, I’m hilarious.”
80. “B*tch*s and hoes don’t exist because the hoes know Bo’s a feminist.”
81. “I don’t mind having 16-year-old fans, but I hate just having 16-year-old fans. I want more diversity.”
82. “I just look at Miley Cyrus, and I’m like, ‘Great, you’ve doubled your audience. But you’ve also doubled the number of people that hate you, and doesn’t that hurt?’ It takes a crazy person not to be affected by that.”
83. “I like to call everyone that I find slightly annoying a ‘sociopath.’”
84. “You can give poor people this royal to watch and make them feel good about themselves, or you can give them something useful like, I don’t know, a toaster.”
85. “The U.K. and Europe, in general, seem to be a lot more patient. The U.S. is expecting ‘joke joke joke joke joke joke joke.’ They don’t actually sit and listen to you.”
86. “Did you poop a virgin? ‘Cause that sh*t is tight.”
87. “I know what you guys are thinking ‘Oh Bo, you tackle such taboo subjects, you know, is there anything off-limits? Anything you don’t find funny? Anything you think is too sacred to laugh at?’ And the truth is, there are white people. I think we’ve been through enough.”
88. “For every dollar that a man makes, a woman makes 70 cents. That doesn’t make sense. That’s not fair, the man’s only left with 30.”
89. “I write about what I know about teenage dating, overly charged sexuality, all the things that make you uncomfortable.”
90. “You got to take a deep breath and give up. The system is rigged against you.”
91. “Life, to me, doesn’t feel like a straightforward story. It doesn’t make sense for me to get up there and just tell a story. Life feels like what my show feels like, chaotic and strange and disconnected.”
92. “I’m grateful for every stupid mistake and dumb joke I tried to make.”
93. “On a scale from one to zero, are you happy?”
94. “I don’t want to put meaning to what I do because I don’t know what it is.”
95. “I’m not a grown-up until everybody realizes I’m a grown-up. When everyone remembers me as the dirty kid singing little songs I am the dirty little kid.”
96. “And if I die early the situation will be auto-erotic asphyxiation, I hate my life and it hates me back!”
97. “I didn’t want to bash young people. I don’t want to bash a kid for dreaming or wanting something or being slightly ambitious, that’s not the problem. The actual problem is with the culture surrounding him.”
98. “I don’t want you to think I’m better than people or that I know better than people.”
99. “When life gives you lemons, you probably just found lemons.”
100. “Humour is often linked to shared experience. Like, a guy gets up and says, ‘Have you noticed public restrooms have really inefficient hand-dryers?’ Oh my God, yes I have, hahaha, really good point, they should fix that. It’s good to know that somebody finally gets me!”
101. “I grew up listening to Steve Martin and , so I didn’t ever intend to be a musical comedian. I sort of stumbled into it.”
102. “The average p*n*s length is 5-and-a-half inches, and finally, the average p*n*s length of a man who Googles ‘average p*n*s length’ is 3-and-a-half inches.”
103. “I think I wear my hypocrisy on my sleeve. I would never say I’m not a complete hypocrite.”
104. “My father is so hard to get along with because he is such a man’s man, you know? He believes for example that you should always fight fire with fire which is a horrible way to live your life, especially for him ‘cause he is a firefighter. So he was fired.”
105. “My ex-girlfriend had a really weird fetish. She used to like to dress up as herself and then act like a f*ck*n’ b*tch all the time.”
106. “I thought I had more of a European sense of humor than the average American comic.”
107. “Please don’t stick with me if I start sucking.”
108. “I have a show on MTV called ‘Zach Stone Is Gonna Be Famous.’ I think that’s a secret to a vast majority of America.”
109. “Then the challenge is, once you left-brain it and build it, then when you’re on stage you have to know it so well that you can get lost in it. I don’t want to be on stage looking like a robot, I want to be at the end of the day very emotional and what feels like someone being up there rather than reciting things. That’s always the challenge, to analyze and then somehow lose yourself in something you absolutely know backward and forwards. And nothing’s going to surprise you, but you have to be surprised by it and let it surprise you.”
110. “The problem for us, as viewers, is that we want famous people who are passionate about the things they’re famous for because that makes them worthy of the attention. But I think many of those famous people just want to be famous.”
111. “I’m still a kid in his bedroom, writing songs and playing them.”
112. “Not enough comedy makes you feel something.”
113. “I just try to do things on stage that I think the audience would enjoy. And I try to draw on and add to acts that I’ve enjoyed watching.”
114. “I’ve found, across the board, that comedians have been very respectful and kind to me. And that seems to stem from the fact that they are just respectful and kind people in general. Comedians get a bad rap for being dark and anti-social I think.”
115. “I don’t worship comedy, at the end of the day, I don’t fall to the altar of comedy unquestioningly.”
116. “I don’t try to call myself a poet. But I know that my stuff is pretty literal, in that the themes are pretty simple and on the surface.”
117. “I’ll stop when I think I’m not doing good stuff. I’ll never exploit something just because people like it.”
118. “My career was exploding at the same time that social media itself was expanding. But when my online videos were taking off, I didn’t think, ‘Oh, great! I’m going to be able to parlay this into a career!’ I just wanted to be a comedian. I just wanted to perform live.”
119. “For me, the only value a celebrity has, or any artist or actor or anything, is the things that they make, you know?”
120. “There’s a certain line between jokes and music and poetry that’s a bit blurred in my mind.”
121. “It feels like we’re always juggling many pieces of information at once or trying out many personas at once. It makes life slightly non linear.”
122. “I know I’m probably digging for fresh fruit in the garbage, and as much as anyone, my attitude is, if stuff’s sincere, it’s gooey and boring and uninteresting. But it’s no way to live.”
123. “I don’t really care about capitalizing on momentum.”
124. “I have a pretty good math mind, so I can see patterns, but I don’t have a great ear. It’s like a tragedy. I can see so much more natural musical ability in so many other people.”
125. “I’m going to take V**gr* and hit you all with a rock-hard misdirection.”
126. “Poverty. Racism. Isn’t it strange, only the homeless are begging for change?”
127. “My persona is most importantly just to communicate the material in a way that is most funny and meaningful at the moment. It’s more like a character that’s sculpted for whatever joke needs communicating at the moment.”
128. “Uncharted territory is a good place to be in.”
129. “I’m not as incredibly prolific as Louis C. K., and I’m definitely not doing a completely brand-new hour probably by the beginning of the tour.”
130. “I thought I wanted to be a physicist in high school until I learned that there was much more math than philosophy in it. I assumed I would just sit around all day and think.”
131. “It’s not most important to communicate myself on stage as it is to be as funny or interesting as I possibly can on stage. I feel more like I’m doing a play whose main character just happens to share my name.”
132. “The unlimited amount of information that I have access to has also given me an unlimited threshold for how I need to be stimulated.”
133. “I don’t want to try to recreate for no reason. Like me in my bedroom, singing songs to a camera was a special thing that was at that time in my life. But I’m just not that kid. I like the format of it, but I want to be able to release things for free.”
134. “I’m just a giddy teenager who would like to break into show business anyway I can.”
135. “I don’t think I’ve had a job since I worked for my father’s construction company.”
136. “I like all kinds of laughs. I tried to make a show that elicits groans, guffaws, chuckles, boos.”
137. “I chose to do comedy instead of going to college.”
138. “The thing is, I always thought I could do stand-up, and so I just stayed focused on the belief that I could succeed.”
139. “Everyone in my family is very supportive, and any mention of family in my show is just, in my idea, the funniest version of the family of the guy who’s performing.”
140. “I really like The Beatles.”
141. “I love Tim Minchin, Bill Bailey, and Hans Teeuwen, and I’m trying to synthesize elements of theatre into my show a little bit more.”
142. “I’m left-brained, so I’m all about a mathematical approach to language.”
143. “I’d love to do something that doesn’t have my stupid face in front of it. I feel like I’ve exhausted what I can do with my own face.”
144. “ I really like maths.”
145. “I don’t interact with people much.”
146. “If I was confronted with some 20-year-old American hotshot, I’d hate him.”
147. “I enjoy stand-up so much because I take time off, and then I’ll be excited to go back to it.”
148. “If a comic is himself, there’ll be things he can’t do, because he has to adhere to that persona.”
149. “It’s all about surprising people, and you’re not surprising people if you’re making them laugh every five seconds.”
150. “I love you like a gay geneticist loves designer genes.”
151. “I’ve always wanted a black girlfriend. Not as a joke, just so when we sixty-nine I can call it Yin-Yanging.”
152. “I really don’t like to tweet or Instagram anything about the people in my life just because I feel like I signed up for this, and I don’t even know what this is yet. I do know that it could go anywhere, and I really don’t want to sign other people in my life up for it without their permission or consent.”
153. “I never felt like I was stealing anyone’s fans as much as I was introducing some younger people to comedy who will eventually find tons of other comedians that they love.”
154. “I like the idea of conceiving a show and putting on a show, and especially when I got to the place where I could play theaters.”
155. “One out of forty-four U.S. Presidents can dunk. It’s Millard Filmore, you racists.”
156. “I had a privileged life and I got lucky and I’m unhappy.”
157. “I’m very left-brain.”
158. “What’s that? My six-song album entitled ‘Bo Fo Sho’ is currently available on iTunes? With three songs that have never been heard on the internet? Uh, and if I try to pirate it for free I’ll get AIDS? I would have guessed scurvy. Well, see you later ghost of Dr. Jr.”
159. “I just have a problem with youth culture.”
160. “I’d love to write a song that someone else sings that can actually sing really well.”
161. “For fifteen cents a day you can feed an African, they eat pennies.”
162. “Women are like puzzles because prior to 1920 neither had the right to vote. Puzzles still don’t.”
163. “When life gets you down, make a comforter.”
164. “The quality of the work when I was 16, I’ve had my issues with it, but I’ve learned to forgive myself because I was 16 years old.”
165. “Twitter is a lot like crystal meth because it’s really fun to do and Oprah’s on it.”
166. “Dicks and vaginas are like Coke and Pepsi, I strongly prefer one but my dad thinks they both taste the same.”
167. “I don’t consciously try to make things difficult as much as I try to make them a little different.”
168. “The biggest danger, for me, with making yourself your act is that a lot of people will think they know you for better or worse. That’s an ongoing struggle with me and it can get really trippy sometimes. I try to be strong about it and assure myself that only my close friends and family can really pass judgement on me personally, but it’s impossible to not let it get to you.”
169. “We know it’s not right. We know it’s not funny, but we’ll quit beating this dead horse when it stops spitting out money. But until then, we will repeat stuff.”
170. “People give me money and I don’t know why, my real collection plate is an empty cup held by a homeless guy.”
171. “If I had a dime for every time a homeless guy asked me for change, I’d still say ‘no.’”
172. “I’m happy with what I’m doing. I try not to focus on how I’ve changed. I just try to focus on what I’m doing now.”
173. “’Words, Words, Words’ was very much its title. It’s just words, words, words and trying to show that I can pack as much material into an hour as I possibly could word count-wise.”
174. “Drugs kill, just like . So don’t smoke tumors.”
175. “My whole family thinks I’m gay, I guess it’s always been that way. Maybe it’s ’cause the way that I walk makes them think I like boys.”
176. “My used to say, slow and steady wins the race. She died in a fire.”
177. “And if ten percent of men are gay and twenty percent of men are Chinese, what are the odds that a man chosen at random spend his free time and mealtime while on his knees.”
178. “I’m in magazines full of model teens so far above you. So, read them and hate yourself and pay me to tell you I love you. And the always come along, cause their little girl is in love, and how could love be wrong?”
179. “What’s important is that you stay true to yourself. Because when you enter the real world, the most valuable thing you can bring is all your you-ness. The world doesn’t need any more hot chicks or tough guys or smooth talkers, the world needs more of you. And don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.”
180. “With ‘Words, Words, Words,’ that show was me experimenting with something, and then there was a clear direction for me.”
181. “I think the controversy has this allusion of being controversial but it’s totally not, which is why I’m trying to get away from it because it’s just easy and automatic.”
182. “I see young people being dismissed for supposedly wanting only ‘stupid’ and ‘easy’ material, or that they don’t have an attention span longer than three minutes. I disagree with all those statements. I just think they aren’t true. I’m saying that our generation wants stuff that is substantial and challenging, as well as thoughtful and endearing.”
183. “Bono, if you want to help poor people, sell your tinted shades, you c*nt.”
184. “ Nothing’s true that I say, because I don’t really want to say anything. I don’t think my life’s that cool, and I don’t think my opinions that valid.”
185. “And my friend is black, But I don’t know what to call him. So I just call him Jamal Even though his name is Steve.”
186. “Even if he is your friend, never, ever call an Asian person.”
187. “I know it’s the comedian’s instinct to say, ‘Do it, man, nothing’s off-limits! It’s cool, bro!’ I don’t know if that’s the answer for me. ‘Do I really want to make a joke about a when a woman in the audience might have had one?’”
188. “I’m friends with a lot of comedians, but we don’t talk about the material.”
189. “My stupid friends are having stupid children.”
190. “I became good friends with Jack Whitehall. I think he’s great, such a great dude, and really funny.”
191. “There are tons of dudes, like David O’Doherty, Tim Key, and Alex Horne, I made a lot of friends with people who are really incredible comics.”
192. “My persona on stage was always coming from a place of I know better than you and I’m going to be a little bit pretentious in your face with these sort of crass ideas.”
193. “What’s a pirate minus the ship? Just a creative homeless guy.”
194. “I don’t need anything as long as I have my family, friends, millions of dollars, unlimited p*ss*.”
195. “Women are like fingers and toes because they’re easy to count on.”
196. “She stood in line and got cut. Tried out, got cut. Loved art but the budget got cut. Then she got numb then she only felt it when she knelt and cut!”
197. “I believe, firmly, that women are always right. Ah, I should actually rephrase that, I don’t.”
198. “In the distance, Bo saw a fairy. A fairy so beautiful that he felt proud of being called one in high school.”
199. “Give me the bottle, I’ll chug two-thirds, ‘cause you b*tch*s know fractions speak louder than words.”
200. “I’m having intercourse with a woman, she can only know where my p*n*s is or how fast it’s moving ’cause it’s small enough and light enough to be fully governed by the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle.”
201. “My girlfriend, you know, she’s crazy. She’s a woman, and women are crazy. She hates it when I say the c-word. It’s so stupid. We’ll be watching, like, or something, and I’ll be like, ‘c-word’ and she’ll be like, ‘His name is Squidward you dumb c*nt, now get out of my house.’”
202. “Is there anything better than p*ss*? Yeah, a really good book”
203. “I don’t like calling myself a ‘feminist’ only because I don’t think I’ve done anything active enough to call myself one. It’d be like calling myself a civil rights activist just because I’m not racist.”
204. “And if you made a factor tree of the factors that caused my girl to leave me you’d have a tree, full of Asian porn.”
205. “And an anteater plus a large hungry mutant ant? An ironic way to die.”
206. “I stopped and I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’ So I didn’t exist.”
207. “I love you just the way you are but you don’t see you as I do. You shouldn’t try so hard to be perfect. Trust me, you should try to be you.”
208. “All you g*dd*mn dirty Catholics can cath-o-lick my balls.”
209. “Maybe life on earth could be heaven, doesn’t just the thought of it make it worth a try?”
210. “I’m gay for Jesus, fill me with your grace. Pour your love all over me, but please aim away from my face.”
211. “It’s so ironic because gay bashers were the ones labeling me in high school.”
212. “I think that God might think I’m gay, what does he know anyway?”
213. “Love is all about whistles.”
214. “They’re just silly jokes. Usually, I just take a topic that isn’t funny at all, like Shakespeare, and work backward. I just try to find an unfunny subject.”
215. “Do unto others as you would have them do to you, said the rapist.”
216. “For some comedians, it feels so cool to be like them. I’ll say anything, man! I’m not quite there yet.”
217. “No one entertains the thought that maybe God does not believe in you.”
218. “Poetic talent is really easy to fake when thy sentences doth no f*ck*ng sense make.”
219. “If you can think of all the times in your life, some of the happiest times were probably when you were laughing. And some of the worst times in your life you were being laughed at.”
220. “I have no real want or need to be a movie star.”
221. “Even in movies like ‘Superbad,’ they’re all lovable kids.”
222. “My p*n*s is so small that I have trouble finding it ’cause it’s so greatly influenced by mechanical fluctuations in the fabric of space and time.”
223. “My drug’s attention. I am an addict. But I get paid to indulge in my habit.”
224. “Me, with my strange choice of adjectives. You, with your muscular teeth and clockwise vagina.”
225. “When I tried to hit puberty I swung and I missed.”
226. “I’m a stand-up comic and I always sit and slouch, and I got my girlfriend pregnant on my sterile uncle’s pull-out couch.”
227. “When I see someone filming me, I don’t usually think, ‘No, man, don’t put this up online!’ I’d think, ‘Hey man, you don’t get to go to shows very often, put down the camera and enjoy it!’ I love going to the theatre and to shows so much.”
228. “I get more *ss than a giant donkey stable.”
229. “Look at them they’re just staring at me like, ‘Come and watch the skinny kid with the steadily declining mental health, and laugh as he attempts to give you what he cannot give himself.’”
230. “I’m a drunken midget with a loaded gun, a loaded gun.”
231. “I’m circumcised ‘cause I don’t c*m from the hood.”
232. “Was Einstein’s theory good? Relatively.”
233. “I’m constipated, couldn’t give a sh*t.”
234. “Where are all the sour patch parents?”
235. “What do you call a kid with no arms and an eyepatch? Names.”
236. “How old is too old to stop believing in, like, the tooth fairy? Like 12?”
237. “What’s the domain range? A kid with too much in his pants. And two balls minus one, seven titles at the Tour de France.”
238. “My show is a little bit silly and a little bit pretentious. Like Shakespeare’s willy. Or Noam Chomsky wearing a strap-on.”
239. “I actually wrestled in high school. I was only in one match, and I lost my virginity.”
240. “There’s a metal train that is a mile long and at the very back end a lightning bolt struck her. How long till it reaches and kills the driver, provided that he’s a good conductor?”
241. “I met a bipolar bear. He laughed, cried, then wanted a threesome.”
242. “I’m Bo yo I’m the greatest rapper ever and I’ll whether you weather, whether you think you better you’re not don’t need a sweater in hot, I’m a really cool shorty who can really find your g-spot, what the f*cks a g-spot.”
243. “People ask me all the time, all the time, they say the same exact thing. They say, ‘Bo, you’re an artist, how do we fix Africa?’”
244. “What’s a bag of chips divided by five, that’s a Nike worker’s meal.”
245. “I’ve got a who is 18. Yeah, still believes in gay marriage.”
246. “Read this to yourself. Read it silently. Don’t move your lips. Don’t make a sound. Listen to yourself. Listen without hearing anything. What a wonderfully weird thing, huh?”
247. “I’ve been doin’ drive-bys’ all of my life. Except the bullets are newspapers, the car is my bike.”
248. “I’m interested in taboos for certain reasons. They can dramatize things and they’re scary, and they’re important to think about. I’m also wary about the fact that if you don’t proceed with caution and understand what you’re doing, you understand these things are realities that you’re dealing with, they’re real things.”
249. “Ya back home they call me the tie-dye shirt kid, well that and fagot.”
250. “Old peoples’ skin sags because it’s being pulled toward the underworld.”
251. “I want you like wanted nobody to read her f*ck*ng diary.”
252. “I work really hard on the shows and I think the shows speak for themselves. I don’t want to construct the show to prove something.”
253. “I got a safe full of cherries ‘cause I pop it and lock it.”
254. “Squaring numbers are just like women. If they’re under thirteen, just do them in your head.”
255. “We’re having a traditional Thanksgiving—turkey, mashed potatoes, hat buckles, smallpox, genocide, a blue corn moon, etc.”
256. “Do you guys like impressions? ‘Why?’ That was .”
257. “We’ll talk dirty like we’re ancient Egyptians.”
258. “I don’t watch you when you sleep. Surprisingly I don’t use my omnipotence to be a f*ck*ng creep.”
259. “Most comedians I know don’t watch a lot of other comedy.”
260. “Happy Thanksgiving, everyone. I’m thankful for all of you. I am not thankful for the pilgrims. Buckles should never be on hats.”
261. “I think that, ‘Oh, if I’m self-aware about being a douchebag, it’ll somehow make me less of a douchebag.’ But, but it doesn’t.”
262. “She’ll hold her iPhone 5 no further than six inches from her face.”
263. “How we feelin’ out there tonight? Hahaha, yeah, I am not feeling good.”
264. “I never said I was funny, okay, so stop staring at me.”
265. “The question is no longer, ‘Do you want to buy wheat thins?’ For example, the question is now, ‘Will you support wheat thins in the fight against Lyme Disease?’”
266. “If your belief is hateful towards people, I couldn’t respect that.”
267. “Systematic oppression, income inequality. The other stuff. And, there’s only one thing that I can do about it while being paid and being the center of attention.”
268. “When I find a pirate’s map, it’s always tea-stained, and the edges are burnt. And it’s like, if you’re a pirate, all right, and you’re gonna make this map and expect me to carry it around the globe as I search for your treasure, then laminate it!”
269. “People do complain about the way I act on stage. They think on stage I act too arrogant, too self-obsessed, solecistic, self-contained, synonyms.”
270. “Look, I made you some content. Daddy made you your favorite, open wide.”
Comedy is a strange thing. Everyone has their range of preferences or tastes when it comes to things that make them laugh. It also depends on the comedian to have the critical necessary to make their audience laugh.