1. “You’ll shoot your eye out, kid.” – Santa Claus
2. “I triple-dog-dare ya!” – Schwartz
3. “Some men are Baptists, others Catholics; my father was an Oldsmobile man.” – Ralphie Parker
4. “Be sure to drink your Ovaltine. Ovaltine? A crummy commercial? Son of a bitch!” – Ralphie Parker
5. “Meatloaf, smeatloaf, double beatloaf. I hate meatloaf.” – Randy Parker
6. “I can’t put my arms down.” – Randy Parker
7. “He had yellow eyes! So help me, God! Yellow eyes!” – Ralphie Parker
8. “We plunged into the cornucopia quivering with desire and the ecstasy of unbridled avarice.” – Ralphie Parker
9. “In our world, you were either a bully, a toady, or one of the nameless rabble of victims.” – Ralphie Parker
10. “Another shot of mysterious, inexorable, official justice.” – Ralphie Parker
11. “It’s a major award!” – Old Man Parker
12. “Nadafinga!” – Old Man Parker
13. “Only one thing in the world could’ve dragged me away from the soft glow of electric sex gleaming in the window.” – Ralphie Parker
14. “Adults loved to say things like that, but kids knew better. We knew darn well it was always better not to get caught.” – Ralphie Parker
15. “It was the classic, mother BB-gun block.” – Ralphie Parker
16. “Aunt Clara had for years labored under the delusion that I was not only perpetually 4 years old, but also a girl.” – Ralphie Parker
17. “Oh my god, I shot my eye out!” – Ralphie Parker
18. “Was there no end to this conspiracy of irrational prejudice against Red Ryder and his peacemaker?” – Ralphie Parker
19. “Only I didn’t say, ‘Fudge.’ I said THE word, the big one, the queen mother of dirty words, the ‘F-dash-dash-dash’ word!” – Ralphie Parker
20. “It was soap poisoning.” – Ralphie Parker
21. “He looks like a deranged Easter Bunny.” – Old Man Parker
22. “Of course. Santa. The big man. The head honcho. The connection.” – Ralphie Parker
23. “He looks like a nightmare!” – Old Man Parker
24. “You used up all the glue on purpose!” – Old Man Parker
25. “Fraa-jeel-aay! It must be Italian!” – Old Man Parker
26. “That son of a bitch would freeze up in the middle of summer on the equator!” – Old Man Parker
27.“Schwartz Created A Slight Breach Of Etiquette By Skipping The Triple Dare And Going Right For The Throat!” – Ralphie Parker
28. “Randy lay there like a slug. It was his only defense.” – Ralphie Parker
29. “In the heat of battle, my father wove a tapestry of obscenity that, as far as we know, is still hanging in space over Lake Michigan.” – Ralphie Parker
30. “Every has a kid that won’t eat. My little brother had not eaten voluntarily in over three years.” – Ralphie Parker
31. “Over the years I got to be quite a connoisseur of soap. My personal preference was for Lux, I found that Palmolive had a nice, piquant after-dinner flavor – heady, but with a touch of mellow smoothness. Lifebuoy, on the other hand… (Yechh!)” – Ralphie Parker
32. “My old man’s spare tires were only actually tires in the academic sense. They were round and had once been made of rubber.” – Ralphie Parker
33. “It was all over. I was dead. What would it be? The guillotine? Hanging? The chair? The rack? The Chinese water torture? Mere child’s play compared to what surely awaited me!” – Ralphie Parker
34. “I left Flick to certain annihilation. But BB Gun mania knows no loyalty.” – Ralphie Parker
35. “Oh, life is like that. Sometimes, at the height of our revelries, when our joy is at its zenith, when all is most right with the world, the most unthinkable disasters descend upon us!” – Ralphie Parker
36. “Scut Farkus! What a rotten name! We were trapped. There he stood, between us and the alley. Scut Farkus staring out at us with his yellow eyes.” – Ralphie Parker
37. “Now, I had heard that word at least ten times a day from my old man. He worked in profanity the way other artists might work in oils or clay. It was his true medium; a master.”- Ralphie Parker
38. “Ralphie, you’re lucky it didn’t cut your eye! Those icicles have been known to kill people.” – Mother Parker