1. “Dude, are you sure we should be doing this?” – Ted Logan

2. “Everything is different, but the same. Things are more moderner than before—bigger and yet smaller.” – Ox Robbins

3. “Here’s the deal. What I win, I keep. What you win, I keep.” – Billy the Kid

4. “Ted, you and I have witnessed many things, but nothing as bodacious as what just happened.” – Bill Preston

5. “Ted’s father’s own fear of failure has caused him to make his son the embodiment of all his deepest anxieties about himself. And hence, his aggression transferred onto Ted.” – Freud

6. “How’s it going, royal ugly dudes? I am the Earl of Preston!” – Bill Preston

7. “We told ourselves to listen to this guy.” – Bill Preston

8. “I am the Duke of Ted!” – Ted Logan

9. “Why would we lie to ourselves?” – Bill Preston

10. “It seems to me the only thing you’ve learned is that Caesar is a salad dressing, dude.” – Mr. Ryan

11. “Our first guest speaker comes from the year 400 BC—a time when most of the world looked like the cover of the Led Zeppelin album, Houses of the Holy.” – Ted Logan

12. “He is sometimes known as the father of modern thought. He was the teacher of Plato, who was in turn the teacher of Aristotle, and like Ozzy Osbourne, was repeatedly accused of corruption of the young.” – Bill Preston

13. “Fourscore and seven minutes ago, we, your forefathers, were brought forth upon a most excellent adventure, conceived by our new friends—Bill and Ted. These two great gentlemen are dedicated to a proposition, which was true in my time, just as it’s true today.” –

14. “Whoa. Those must be the princesses you told yourself about at the Circle-K.” – Bill Preston

15. “But Bill, those are historical babes.” – Ted Logan

16. “If I should fail to keep these two on the correct path, the basis of our society will be in danger. Don’t worry, it’ll all make sense. I’m a professional.” – Rufus

17. “Well, how can we have decent instruments when we don’t really even know how to play?” – Ted Logan

18. “I wanna know why you claim to be Sigmund Freud.” – Police Psychiatrist

19. “I don’t know. Philosophize with him!” – Bill Preston

20. “Strange things are afoot at the Circle-K.” – Ted Logan

21. “Gentlemen, we’re history.” – Rufus

22. “Want a Twinkie, ?” – Ted Logan

23. “Socrates—the only true wisdom consists in knowing that you know nothing.” – Bill Preston

24. “So, Bill, what you’re telling me, essentially, is that Napoleon was a short, dead dude.” – Mr. Ryan

25. “And over here, our bass player, the Duke of Spook, the Doc of Shock, The Man with No Tan, please say hello to Death himself, the Grim Reaper.” – Bill Preston

26. “You’re not strong! You’re silky boys! Silk comes from the butts of Chinese Worms!” – Colonel Oates

27. “Dude, there’s no way I can possibly do infinity push-ups!” – Bill

28. “Don’t overlook my butt, I work out all the time. And reaping burns a lot of calories.” – Grim Reaper

29. “I’ll eat you up like the warm, toasty little butter cakes you are.” – Colonel Oates

30. “You totally killed us, you evil metal dickweeds!” – Bill Preston

31. “Dinner’s over, worm dude.” – Bill Preston

32. “I believe Colonel Mustard did it in the study with the candlestick.” – Grim Reaper

33. “And very important, do not do your homework without wearing headphones.” – Rufus

34. “You have sunk my battleship.” – Grim Reaper

35. “One month ago, you played the Elks Lodge in Barstow, California, for forty people, most of whom were there only because it was two-dollar taco night, whatever the hell that means.” – The Great Leader

36. “How’s that stealing if we’re stealing it from ourselves, dude?” – Bill Preston

37. “Dude! You were playing 40-minute bass solos. No one but you could play!” – Ted Logan

38. “This is the story of our most excellent dads.” – Billie

39. “My name is Theodore Preston and I am some kind of Infinite Being.” – Ted Logan

40. “We were there. There were many steps and columns. It was most tranquil.” – Bill Preston

41. “I believe our adventure through time has taken a most serious turn.” – Ted Logan

42. “It is indeed a pleasure to introduce to you a gentleman we picked up in medieval Mongolia in the year 1269.” – Bill Preston

43. “Greetings, my excellent friends.” – Rufus

44. “Be excellent to each other, and party on, dudes!” – Ted Logan

45. “I spoke to your principal today, Ted. He said you’re failing history.” – Capt. Logan

46. “I’m in love, dude.” – Ted Logan

47. “Okay, wait, if we were one of Europe’s greatest leaders, and we were stranded in San Dimas for one day, where would we go?” – Bill Preston

48. “Hi, welcome to the future. San Dimas, California, 2688. And I’m telling you, it’s great here. The air is clean, the water’s clean, even the dirt, it’s clean.” – Rufus

49. “Ted, it’s pointless to have a triumphant video before we even have decent instruments.” – Bill Preston

50. “Okay, if you guys are really us, what number are we thinking of?” – Ted Logan

51. “All we are is dust in the wind, dude.” – Ted Logan

52. “We gotta go. It’s a history report, not a babe report.” – Bill Preston

53. “Deacon, do you realize you have just stranded one of Europe’s greatest leaders in San Dimas?” – Ted Logan

54. “Now your dad is going for it in your own room.” – Ted Logan

55. “Billy, you are dealing with the oddity of time travel with the greatest of ease.” – Bill Preston

56. “I can’t believe Missy divorced your Dad, and married mine.” – Ted Logan

57. “It is time. They have reached the second crucial turning point in their destiny. Their message is about to reach millions. But, we will change all that. When our mission is successful, no longer will the world be dominated by the legacy of these two fools! No longer will we hear this.” – Chuck De Nomolos

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