1. “I’m Prison Mike! You know why they call me Prison Mike?”

2. “I stole, and I robbed, and I kidnapped the President’s , and held him for ransom.”

3. “Look, prison stinks, is what I’m saying. It’s not like you can go home, and recharge your batteries, and come back in the morning, and be with your friends having fun in the office.”

4. “Close your eyes. Picture a convict. What’s he wearing? Nothing special—baseball cap on backward, baggy pants. He says something ordinary like, ‘Yo, that’s shizzle.’ Okay, now slowly open your eyes again. Who are you picturing? A black man? Wrong. That was a white woman. Surprised? Well, shame on you.”

5. “Well, there’s somebody I’d like you to meet, somebody else who has been to prison.”

6. “The worst thing about prison was the—was the Dementors. They were flying all over the place, and they were scary, and then they’d come down, and they’d suck the soul out of your body and it hurt!”

7. “Do you really expect me to not push you up against the wall, biatch?” 

8. “In prison, you are somebody’s bitch.”

9. “No, not, ‘.’ There are no movies in prison. This is my point! You guys got it soft and cushy! This place is freaking awesome! The people are awesome! Your boss is nice! Everyone seems to get along! People are tolerant! People who have jumped to conclusions can redeem themselves! Nobody is nobody’s bitch. I hope that this scared you. And from me, Prison Mike, to you, I just wanna thank you for listening to me—letting me be a part of your life today. ‘Cause you got a good life! A good life. So, what do you think? It doesn’t sound so great, does it?”

10. “I didn’t hire an ex-convict. Unless they mean Toby. Convicted rapist. I’m just kidding.”

11. “Okay! Listen up, everybody! Um, you guys said that prison was better than this place, and I heard ya, loud and clear, so, I am instituting some changes to make this more like prison.”

12. “Oh, wow. Look at that. How cute.”

13. “Yeah, Jan, it um—looks like a check, piece of paper of some sort. Receipt. I don’t know.”

14. “Hey, look at me, I’m a baby! I’m one of those babies from ‘Look Who’s Talking.’ What am I thinking? Look at all those staplers! What’s a stapler? I don’t even know, I’m a baby! Hey, Mom, I’m thirsty! I’m thirsty, Mama! I want some milk. And you know where milk comes from! Breasts.”

15. “Why did the convict have to be a black guy? It is such a stereotype. I just wish that Josh had made a more progressive choice. Like a white guy, who went to prison for polluting a black guy’s lake.”

16. “All right, hey, hey, hey, hey. That’s just the way we talk in the clink. Been a lot of fun talk about prison today, but I am here to scare you straight.”

17. “And I nevah got caught, neither.”

18. “Gruel sandwiches. Gruel omelettes. Nothing but gruel. Plus, you can eat your own hair.”

19. “Oh, and you. You, my friend, would be da belle of da ball. Don’t drop the soap! Don’t drop the soap!”

20. “So, what we need to do is to forget about this whole Martin in prison thing. People will draw unfair conclusions about Martin, and, or black people.”

21. “In our society, a black man can be arrested for almost anything. He was probably at a sporting event, and saw some people pushing each other, and he intervened.”

22. “Ah. Good, good. Good. Just a second. Everybody? May I have your attention please? I realize that a lot of you have already heard that Martin here has had some trouble with the law, but I just want to declare publicly that I trust him, completely, and that anybody who doesn’t is an ignorant, dumb person.”

23. “These people don’t realize how lucky they are. This office is the American dream. And they would rather be in the hole.”

24. “Martin went from being a new guy from Stamford, to the convict, to my friend, back to a convict, then to kind of a nuisance actually, if we can be completely honest. And finally to a quitter. And I will not miss him. And that is not because he is black.”

25. “Okay nutcases, get out of there! Good work. Long day. Really long. Why don’t you guys head home early? Time off for good behavior! Heh. Good job. Enjoy your freedoms!”

26. “No! If you think prison is so wonderful, then, enjoy prison! They are such babies. I am going to leave them in there, until they can appreciate what it’s like to have freedom. And if this doesn’t bother them, then I am out of ideas.”

27. “Okay. Okay, fine. You guys think prison is so great? All right. Well, here you go.”

28. “All right everybody, there has been a lot of name calling against our office today. Corporate maligning, slurring, much of it coming from one of you, who claims that prison is better than here. And none of you can say, ‘Boo,’ because none of us have ever been to prison.”

29. “They were very disrespectful to me, and to the office. And Martin has had a bad influence, to think that I gave him the benefit of the doubt.”

30. “Yeah. Yeah. Well, thank you, Andy. Thanks.”

31. “Yeah, it’s freaking cold out here. Anybody wants to stay out, you’ve got about 27 minutes of rec time.”

32. “Okay. You know what, Toby? I am teaching them a lesson.”

33. “We are going to start with an hour of . So let’s go!”

34. “Oh hey, Martin. You have TV in the joint?”

35. “Why don’t we pump some iron? Anyone wanna pump up?”

36. “You show me a white man you trust and I will show you a black man that I trust even more.”

37. “Well, we are running a business, so.”

38. “Ah. A 10 inch black and white?”

39. “No. That’s not cool. You don’t have to tell them.”

40. “Okay, are you cool, really?”

41. “It’s two and a half. I’m not going for bulk, I’m going for tone.”

42. “Hey Jan, speaking of Stamford, Hannah brought in her baby.”

43. “Stop it. Stop it right—stop it right now.”

44. “Pam, tell me a white person you trust.”

45. Prison Mike: “You’re such a racist.”

Kevin: “Wait. Why am I a racist?”

46. “Just try to be cool.”

47. Prison Mike: “Hey Martin, how’s it going?”

Martin: “Good. Getting settled, you know?”

48. Jim: “Where did you learn all of this?”

Prison Mike: “Internet.”

49. Prison Mike: “May I?”

Hannah: “Oh, sure.”

50. Karen: “Jesus.”

Prison Mike: “Apollo Creed.”

51. Angela: “Sure. Let’s protect the convicts. At the expense of the general feeling of safety in the workplace. As a 90-pound female that sits in an ill-lit, rarely visited corner of the office, naturally, I agree with that.”

Prison Mike: “Good.”

52. Pam: “My dad.”

Prison Mike: “Danny Glover. Yeah.”

Jim: “Jonas Salk.”

53. Dwight: “Prison Mike, what’s the very, very worst thing about prison?”

Angela: “Don’t encourage him, Dwight.”

54. Martin: “Um, I really don’t mind. It was a stupid mistake. I was working in finance, and I got involved in some insider trading. So, I spent a little time in the clink.” 

Prison Mike: “That is awesome.”

55. Prison Mike: “Hannah?”

Kevin: “Hmm.”

Angela: “Hmm.”

Kevin: “Andy.”

56. Dwight: “I’m cool, I’m cool, I’m so cool. Tell me what is going on.”

Prison Mike: “Um, Martin, from Stamford, was, at one time, in prison. No. Dwight! Be cool! Be cool!”

57. Karen: “Hey, I got one.”

Prison Mike: “Yup.”

58. Kevin: “I would so rather be in prison.”

Ryan: “Prison sounds great.”

Prison Mike: “No, you would not.”

59. Prison Mike: “Who?”

Jim: “Justin Timberlake?”

Prison Mike: “Oh. Please. Colin Powell.”

60. Pam: “Kinda sounds like a prison is better than Dunder-Mifflin.”

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