Read the entire collection below.
And make sure to check out these and .
1. “I sure hope they have cigarettes in hell.”
2. “I don’t mean to sound racist, but this by far is the best selection of beans I have ever seen. I’m serious.”
3. “Are you attempting to know me?”
4. “A level three tornado will blow an egg right through a brick wall. Twister chasers call it ‘Humpty’s Revenge.'”
5. “Run, Hank! Portal to Hell!”
6. “Pocket sand! Sh-sh-sha!”
7. “Hank, it sounds like you did everything right except giving away my kidney. And since I traded it for a bunch of kiddie toys, I guess we both let me down.”
8. “Open up your eyes, man. They’re trying to control global warming. Get It? Global.”
9. “Oh, I needn’t, shouldn’t I? And maybe I should not know that all Mega Lo Mart employees have a five thousand dollar insurance policy.”
10. “Are you seeing another exterminator! Is he licensed? Is he bonded? Is that what you want, someone who’s licensed and bonded?”
11. “Booooo! I am a high-priced Washington lobbyist, peddling influence! Who wants candy?”
12. “Why would I have a problem with it? John Redcorn’s gay, and I’ve been friends with him for years!”
13. “My name is Shackleford, Rusty Shackleford.”
14. “They wanted to see me wet my pants from fear, but they’re too late!”
15. “A man breaks into your house, but you don’t own a gun. How are you going to shoot him?”
16. “We gotta get out of here. The smoking breaks are too short, the food is good at best, and the antidepressants are making my mouth dry and happy.”
17. “This tornado’s already registered a level two on the Fujisaki scale. A storm that strong will send an egg through a barn door, two barn doors if one of them’s open.”
18. “Hank must never know we were in here. Our society stigmatizes the mentally ill, and rightfully so, these people are nuts!”
19. “If you want, you can read a bloated government report on smoking or go straight to the horse’s mouth and get the facts from the tobacco industry!”
20. “I hear Mega Lo Mart is taking bids for a rat problem. Boy, that’d be a sweet gig. I could finally start paying for Nancy’s health insurance instead of just telling Nancy I’m paying for it.”
21. “That’s code for U.N. commissars telling Americans what the temperature’s going to be in their . I say let the world warm up, see what Boutros Boutros-Ghali-Ghali thinks about that! We’ll grow oranges in Alaska.”
22. “The peanuts are emitting toxins as an evolutionary defense mechanism. They’re tired of being eaten, and now they’re fighting back.”
23. “Guns don’t kill people. The government does.”
24. “Computers don’t make errors. What they do, they do on purpose. By now, your name and particulars have been fed into every laptop, desktop, mainframe, and supermarket scanner that collectively make up the global information conspiracy, otherwise known as ‘the Beast.'”
25. “Heh, that’s what they want you to think.”
26. “They’ll probably get you with a blow-dart; that’s their way. But you’ll just think it’s a mosquito bite until you die, then you’ll know the truth.”
27. “So it turns out I’m not the actual Dale Gribble, but a clone of him. The original Dale Gribble is a super-warrior from the year 2087. The second me, i.e., I, was created to help the first me fight the invading Mongol armies.”
28. “Computers have already beaten the communists at chess. Next thing you know, they’ll be beating humans.”
29. “I know what’s wrong with it. It’s a Ford. You know what they say Ford stands for, don’t ya? It stands for ‘Fix it again, Tony.'”
30. “First off, I reserve the right to call you twenty-four hours a day to prove to people that I know you. I do not play favorites with my organs. If you take my kidney on vacation, my other organs go too. And finally, I want you to put the Dale’s Dead-Bug on top of your racer.”
31. “Count me out. The vast majority of unauthorized face removals happen to people in hospitals.”
32. “I thought we agreed to never discuss the horrors we saw on the killing fields of the Family Fun Center.”
33. “Oh, I’ll add the softener on the ding.”
34. “Why is it always about asses with you, Hank?”
35. “I’m all jacked up on America right now! Anyone want to hear me recite the Constitution?”
36. “Hank, I can see your house from up here.”
37. “If you want, I’ll show you how to make a bomb out of a roll of toilet paper and a stick of dynamite.”
38. “The only thing your roommates will understand is fear. It worked for Dick Nixon. For example, get ahold of some goat’s blood. Taint that blood. Then when your roommates need blood, give them the tainted goat’s blood. It’s a perfect plan.”
39. “Boil up some Mountain Dew; it’s gonna be a long night.”
40. “I give you one little thing to do, and you screw it up!”
41. “You’re like E.T., except E.T. was a purebred alien with a heart of gold. You’re only half-alien and at times can be a tad self-absorbed.”
42. “You don’t know who I am, but I know where you live, and you better cut it out if you know what’s good for you. Oh, and Hank, we changed that tee-off time to 3:00.”
43. “I killed eight gophers last year and a purebred Tennessee walking horse that was looking at me funny.”
44. “You have to make sure that nothing happens to me, that no one steals my brain. Or if they do, they replace it with one of equal or greater value.”
45. “All right, twister. It’s just you and me now. Ten years ago, you took my shed. Did you think I’d forget that? Come on, bring it on! No! Please, let me go!”
46. “I am the hoe master! Hear me hoe!”
47. “Love train! Woo, woo!”
48. “That makes a whole lot of sense. A whole lot of nonsense!”
49. “What would you do with unlimited free time and no income?”
50. “That’s a Gribble of an idea!”
51. “I don’t know what to do with my hands. That’s why I smoke.”
52. “I’m skeptical that you could, yet intrigued that you might.”
53. “Not as slow as if you’re dead.”
54. “Damn, the stuff! Stuff is my weakness!”
55. “This is my business line. Answer it only between 9:08 and 9:23.”
56. “Are you an alien? Because you’ve just abducted my heart.”
57. “Well, Joseph went to his first sleepover last night. Didn’t go so well, he’s a cuddler, so I had to go pick him up.”
58. “She is my wife. She is my lover. She is the of my child. She is my raisin de tray.”
59. “Get away from my wife or next time I’ll aim for the mannequin and hit you.”
60. “She is the most beautiful woman in the world to me, and I want her back more than anything. If anything, I owe Manitoba money for the loveliness my second-hand smoke has bestowed upon my Nancy.”
61. “Whoa, hold on, ! I want you to keep an open mind so you can make an informed decision.”
62. “You have bully-ragged this production and stifled my creativity from Day One. It is now Day Two. I quit!”
63. “Get in line.”
64. “Well, I saw that coming. And yet, I did nothing to stop it. Why do I fear success?”
65. “Joseph, I understand you smoked your first cigarette today.”
66. “That silent treatment won’t work on me. I don’t need you to talk to. I’ve got my thoughts. I can’t be alone with my thoughts!! You’ve heard them!”
67. “What d’ya got under the foil, Mr Party Pooper, some party poop?”
68. “People say he fried his brain one day staring at the sun. ‘Course, he couldn’t have been too smart to do that in the first place. Kind of a chicken-egg thing.”
69. “It’ll be a cold day in hell before we institute same-sex bathrooms in the Gribble Home.”