2. “Sleeping with a toddler is like sharing a bed with a drunk octopus who is looking for his car keys.” – Anonymous

3. “Started making myself breakfast, and ended up making everybody except myself breakfast.” – Anonymous

4. “It’s the best acting of my life right here, the well-rested woman. It’s my finest role.” – Kerry Washington

5. “If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?” – Milton Berle

6. “I always say, if you aren’t yelling at your kids, you’re not spending enough time with them.” – Reese Witherspoon

7. “Licked a dark smear off my finger and then thought, ‘Phew, it’s chocolate.'” – Anonymous

8. “I’m just a girl stuck under a sleeping child with a full bladder and a dying phone.” – The Wendy House

9. “The majority of my diet is made up of foods that my kids didn’t finish.” – Carrie Underwood

10. “Sleep, at this point, is just a concept, something I’m looking forward to investigating in the future.” – Amy Poehler

11. “Dear mom, thank you for keeping all the bad stuff I did from dad.” – Anonymous

12. “I feel like I should create a recording of me saying ‘Please clean that up.’ So I can hit play 500 times a day.” – Anonymous

13. “My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.” – Anonymous

14. “When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.” – Nora Ephron

15. “Motherhood is tough. If you just want a wonderful little creature to love, you can get a puppy.” – Barbara Walters

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16. “I’ve conquered a lot of things, blood clots in my lungs, twice knee and foot surgeries, winning grand slams, being down match point, to name just a few. But I found out by far the hardest is figuring out a stroller!” – Serena Williams

17. “Children are like crazy, drunken small people in your house.” – Julie Bowen

18. “It’d be cool if my kids could make something I actually want. Like a bottle of wine out of macaroni.” – Anonymous

19. “I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” – Phyllis Diller

20. “The most expensive part of having kids is all the wine you have to drink.” – Anonymous

21. “I don’t want to sleep like a baby. I want to sleep like my husband.” – Anonymous

22. “You know you’re a good mom when you sacrifice your vibrator batteries for your kid’s toy.” – Anonymous

23. “I love all my children equally. Except for the one that sleeps, I love that one more.” – Anonymous

24. “‘You are going to miss this someday,’ I tell myself as I step on Legos all the way to the bathroom.” – Anonymous

25. “After we got home from the hospital, I didn’t shower for a week, and then John and I were like, ‘Let’s go out for dinner.’ I could last only about an hour because my boobs were exploding. When the milk first comes in, it’s like a tsunami. But we went, just to prove to ourselves that we could feel normal for a second.” – Emily Blunt

26. “Motherhood is basically finding activities for children in three-hour pockets of time for the rest of your life.” – Mindy Kaling

27. “Being a mom has made me really tired and so happy.” – Tina Fey

28. “Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your children.” – Sam Levenson

29. “Remember when you first became a parent, and everything was so terrifying? Now, you watch your kid lick the grocery cart, and you don’t even break a sweat.” – Anonymous

30. “I always thought I’d be a patient mom, and then I watched my son try to zip his own jacket.” – Anonymous

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46. “‘I will drink you under the table,’ I whisper to my coffee as we hide from my children.” – Anonymous

47. “Mom, I love you even though I’ll never accept your friend request.” – Anonymous

48. “Thank you for not telling my sisters that I’m your favorite.” – Anonymous

49. “Boys—less drama than girls, but harder to keep alive.” – Anonymous

50. “Sleep when the baby sleeps. Fold laundry when the baby folds laundry.” – Anonymous

51. “Patience—what you have when there are too many witnesses.” – Anonymous

52. “Every night, I try to get eight hours of sleep in four hours.” – Anonymous

53. “Sometimes, I open my mouth, and my mother comes out.” – Anonymous

54. “Mom, I love you and your super long voicemails.” – Anonymous

55. “Raising a kid is part joy and part guerrilla warfare.” – Ed Asner

56. “I used to have functioning brain cells, but I traded them in for children.” – Anonymous

57. “The fastest land animal is a toddler with something in his mouth.” – Anonymous

58. “Mothers of teens know why some animals eat their young.” – Anonymous

59. “Unless mom can’t find it then nothing is truly missing.” – Jennifer Betts

60. “If parenting was as easy as getting fat, then we would all have it made.” – Jennifer Betts

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31. “It’s a funny twist of fate that your child can go to bed three hours past their bedtime and still wake up at six a.m.” – Jennifer Betts

32. “If I wasn’t at work, I just wanted to stay home and party with my little man, and by ‘party,’ I mean, of course, endless rounds of Itsy Bitsy Spider.” – Olivia Wilde

33. “Tucked my kids in bed, and I said, ‘I’ll see you in the morning!’ Then we laughed and laughed and saw each other 16 more times before sunrise.” – Anonymous

34. “Why don’t kids understand that their nap is not for them but for us?” – Alyson Hannigan

35. “Spit-up is my new favorite accessory. No outfit is complete without it.” – Anonymous

36. “The closest I get to a spa day is when steam from the dishwasher smacks me in the face.” – Anonymous

37. “You know how once you have kids, you never ever pee by yourself again? At least one of them is always in there with you at all times.” – Jennifer Garner

38. “A mother need only step into the shower to be instantly reassured she is indispensable to every member of her family.” – Lynne Williams

39. “Being a mom means having to choose between eating, showering, or sleeping. You can’t do all three in one day.” – Anonymous

40. “That moment when your two-week-old baby is sleeping, and you wonder if it’s possible to take a nap in the shower while you eat lunch.” – Anonymous

41. “Can’t believe I shared my body with a child that won’t even share their M&M’s with me.” – Anonymous

42. “I met my match. She is very demanding, like, I can’t believe I have a boss. When my baby wanna eat, she wanna eat. It’s not like, ‘Oh, three minutes?’ No. Give me the milk now.” – Cardi B

43. “Booty call—a shout from the bathroom letting you know it’s time to wipe someone’s butt.” – Anonymous

44. “Usually, the triumph of my day is, you know, everybody making it to the potty.” – Julia Roberts

45. “Motherhood—feeding them as a baby and then through most of their 20s.” – Anonymous

61. “Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our breath, and hope we’ve set aside enough money to pay for our kids’ therapy.” – Michelle Pfeiffer

62. “A mother is the person you can always call to see how long chicken lasts in the fridge.” – Anonymous

63. “I’m just a mom standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember because our kids interrupted us 175 times.” – Anonymous

64. “My kids will walk right past their father sitting on the couch and come bang on the shower door for me to open a fruit snack.” – Anonymous

65. “If there is a tooth fairy, it only seems fair that there should be a wine fairy and a laundry fairy. Kids shouldn’t get all the magic.” – Anonymous

66. “Sure, sometimes I question my . But to be honest, sometimes, I question my child’s childing.” – Anonymous

67. “Based on the amount of laundry I have to do on a daily basis, I’m going to assume there are people living in this house that I haven’t met yet.” – Anonymous

68. “When your ‘mom voice’ is so loud, even the neighbors brush their teeth and get dressed.” – Anonymous

69. “My mother had a great deal of trouble with me, but I think she enjoyed it.” –

70. “Parenting tip—maybe don’t leave Hungry Hungry Hippos on the floor of a dark room.” – Rachel Dratch

71. “Have you ever just ignored your children when they said, ‘Mom.’ Just to see how far they will go? So far, we’ve made it to 256.” – Anonymous

72. “You wrestled a bear? Well, I removed a splinter from a two-year-old’s finger. I think we’re even.” – Anonymous

73. “The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for 30 years, she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.” – Calvin Trillin

74. “My mother’s menu consisted of two choices—take it or leave it.” – Buddy Hackett

75. “I’ve learned that it’s way harder to be a baby. For instance, I haven’t thrown up since the ’90s, and she’s thrown up twice since we started this interview.” – Eva Mendes

76. “Having children is like living in a frat house. Nobody sleeps, everything’s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.” – Ray Romano

77. “When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ It’s a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.” – Erma Bombeck

78. “Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” – Jenny McCarthy

79. “Working mothers are like guinea pigs in a science experiment to show that sleep is not necessary to human life.” – Anonymous

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