2. “Guy puts a fancy guarantee on a box ’cause he wants you to feel all warm and toasty inside.” – Tommy
3. “Brothers don’t shake hands. Brothers gotta hug.” – Tommy
4. “Him too afraid to get out. He’s just a little guy!” – Tommy
5. “If I wanted a kiss, I’d call your mother!” – Tommy
6. “Well, I should hope so, because I’m laying it on pretty thick.” – Richard
7. “Let’s think about this for a sec, Ted. Why would somebody put a guarantee on a box? Hmmm, very interesting.” – Tommy
8. “I thought they were on my side.” – Tommy
9. “I can get a good look at a T-bone by sticking my head up a bull’s ass, but I’d rather take a butcher’s word for it.” – Tommy
10. “You’re a huge embarrassing failure.” – Tommy
11. “Please go away, let me sleep for the love of God!” – Tommy
12. “Oh yeah. We don’t take no for an answer! We don’t take no for an answer.” – Tommy
13. “Some of us are leaving, and that is sad, but this isn’t the end. No way. We’re gonna show this world a thing or two.” – Tommy
14. “Just gimme your best shot.” – Tommy
15. “Does this suit make me look fat?” – Tommy
16. “It’s called reading! Top to bottom, left to right—a group of words together is called a sentence. Take Tylenol for any headaches—Midol for any cramps.” – Richard
17. “Were you calling from a walkie-talkie?” – Richard
18. Tommy: “Did you hear I finally graduated?”
Richard: “Yeah, and just a shade under a decade too.”
19. “They were closed. How could you be reading documents when they’re in your briefcase? Hmmm, that’s a mystery.” – Tommy
20. “I can’t hear you, you’re trailing off, and did I catch a niner in there?” – Richard
21. Reporter: “Is that why you’ve strapped a bomb to your chest?”
Tommy: “Oh this isn’t a bomb. These are road flares.”
22. “I think you’ll be okay here, they have a thin candy shell. Surprised you didn’t know that.” – Tommy
23. “Oh, that sounds good! Melted chocolate inside the dash, that really ups the resale value.” – Richard
24. “Try an association. Like uh—let’s say the average person uses 10% of their brain. How much do you use? One and a half percent. The rest is clogged with malted hops and bong resin.” – Richard
25. “Okay—seatbelts. Just put the little thing into the big thing and—I tell ya what. If you don’t know how to fasten your seatbelt, just raise your hand and I’ll have Tommy Boy here come back there and hit you in the head with a tack hammer.” – Richard
26. “I think your brain has a thick candy shell.” – Richard
27. “Marty, find out where the police are going to be taking him. Send over a bottle of bubbly with a bucket of ice and a card. Have it say, ‘Tough break, get drunk on me. Use the bucket to ice down your marbles, yours, Z.’” – Ray Zalinkski
28. “Listen you little spazoids. I know where you live and I’ve seen where you sleep. I swear that your mothers will cry when they see what I’ve done to you.” – Michelle
29. “You have a window. And why shouldn’t you? You’ve been here 10 minutes.” – Richard
30. “Uh, what my associate is trying to say is—our new brake pads are really cool. You’re not even gonna believe it. Like, let’s say you’re driving along the road with your family.” – Tommy
31. “All right, that’s it, fat boy, I’m gonna wail on you.” – Richard
32. “Look mommy, the rhinos getting too close to the car.” – Richard
33. “Do you know where the weight room is? I’ll check it out.” – Tommy
34 Tommy: “Richard, do I have a mark on my face? It really hurts.”
Richard: “Nope, nothing—I thought I hit you on the shoulder.”
35. “I can practically hear you getting fatter.” – Richard
36. “Road flares? Did you live under power lines as a kid or something?” – Zalinsky
37. “I was checking the ah, specs on the end line, for the—rotary girder.” – Tommy
38. Kid: “Oh yeah, right. Like it was some other real fat guy with a tiny head.”
Tommy: “I got a tiny head?”
39. “Did you eat a lot of paint chips when you were a kid?” – Paul
40. “Okay, and life preservers, these—we may need it. Although what are the odds of us actually hitting a lake? My money says if anything, it’s gonna be a mountain.” – Richard
41. “I got a D+! I’m gonna graduate!” – Tommy
42. “I’ve seen some crazy stuff in my time, but that was awesome. Oh, sorry about your car, man. That—that sucks.” – Tommy
43. “I wish we’d known each other—this is a little awkward. I’m gonna graduate!” – Tommy
44. “I lost my virginity to your daughter for crying out loud. Rob, you were there.” – Tommy
45. “You better pray to the God of skinny punks that this wind doesn’t pick up, ’cause I’ll come over there, and jam an oar up your ass.” – Tommy
46. Richard: “I need your John Hancock.”
Tommy: “It’s Herbie Hancock.”
47. Kid: “Hey, Mom! It’s the guy who robbed the bank.”
Tommy: “I didn’t rob any bank!”
48. “You know a lot of people go to college for seven years.” – Tommy
49. “Richard, were you watching ‘spanktravision?’” – Tommy
50. “Hey if you’re going to say I didn’t put the right kind in, you’re wrong. I used 10-W-30. And besides, motor oil would have nothing to do with this accident.” – Tommy
51. “We’re family, we’re gonna be doing lots of dumb stuff together. Wait ’til Christmas.” – Tommy
52. “Ya figure you put that little box under your pillow at night, the guarantee fairy might come by and leave a quarter, am I right Ted?” – Tommy
53. “That’s gonna leave a mark.” – Tommy
54. “He’s a big, dumb animal, isn’t he folks?” – Richard
55. Ray Zalinsky: “Went a little heavy on the pine tree perfume there, kid?”
Tommy: “Sir it’s a taxicab air freshener.”
56. “Bees! Bees! Bees in the car! Bees everywhere! God, they’re huge and they sting crazy! They’re ripping my flesh off! Run away, your firearms are useless against them!” – Tommy
57. “Truth is, I make car parts for the American working man because I’m a hell of a salesman and he doesn’t know any better.” – Ray Zalinsky
58. Tommy: “Right here. Not here—or here so much—but right here.”
Richard: “No. Shipshape!”
59. “I killed my sale. That’s when I blow it. That’s when people like us gotta forge ahead, Helen, am I right?” – Tommy
60. “But for now, for your customer’s sake, for your daughter’s sake, ya might wanna think about buying a quality product from me.” – Tommy
61. “These shoes are Italian. They’re worth more than your life.” – Paul
62. “Your dad could sell a ketchup popsicle to a woman in white gloves.” – Richard
63. “Big day tomorrow. Hope we can keep this momentum going.” – Tommy
64. “That’s nice, you look like a Helen. Helen, we’re both in sales. Let me tell you why I suck as a salesman.” – Tommy
65. “Hey, I was just thinking. When we stopped for gas this morning I think it was you who put the oil in.” – Richard
66. “Housekeeping. You want mint for a pillow?” – Richard
67. “Forget it, I quit, I can’t do this anymore, man. My head’s about to explode. My whole life sucks! I don’t know what I’m doing, I don’t know where I’m going. My dad just died, we just killed Bambi, I’m out here getting my ass kicked and every time I drive down the road I wanna jerk the wheel into a goddamn bridge abutment!” – Tommy
68. “Okay, folks, the guy in front of you is Tommy. He’ll be taking you through my little spiel here. Tommy is a Scorpio, he likes biking, and he’s never been laid. Exits, okay, there’s one back here, and there’s uh, probably one over by the wing somewhere, usually.” – Richard
69. “And the medic gets out and says, ‘oh my God.’ New guy’s around the corner puking his guts out.” – Tommy
70. “Gee, I wonder if she goes out with one of the Yankees.” – Tommy
71. “Richard, who’s your favorite little rascal? Alfalfa? Or is it Spanky?” – Tommy
72. Richard: “Hi, I’m Earth. Have we met?”
Reservationist: “I don’t think so.”
73. “Why not? I’d take you to the vet.” – Richard
74. “Boy this is the worst. My so-called family deserts me. Michelle’s mad at me. I’ve lost the factory, the town’s going under and I’m out of a job.” – Tommy
75. “For Christ’s sake. Once during the war, I visited a prostitute, and my life has been a living hell ever since.” – Boardroom Man
76. “Get yourself a new map.” – Gas Station Employee
77. “No way that just happened. My car is completely destroyed.” – Richard
78. “God, you’re sick. Tell ya what, I’ll go turn the friers back on and throw on some wings for you.” – Helen
79. “Good, you’ve pinpointed it. Step two is washing it out.” – Ray Zalinsky
80. “You spray that thing for bugs?” – Richard
81. “Are you talking?” – Richard
82. “Um, we don’t take any prisoners.” – Richard
83. “What’d you do?” – Tommy
84. “No shit from anyone!” – Tommy
85. “I’m picking up your sarcasm.” – Gas Station Employee
86. “What’s your point?” – Ted Nelson
87. “Tommy want wingy.” – Tommy
88. “I know. They’re called doctors.” – Richards
89. “Holy schnikes!” – Tommy