1. “Well, I guess it all started the first time I went through the second grade. I caught my reflection in a spoon while I was eating my cereal, and I remember thinking, ‘Wow, you’re ridiculously good looking, maybe you could do that for a career.’” – Derek Zoolander
2. “Have you ever wondered if there was more to life other than being really, really, ridiculously good looking?” – Derek Zoolander
3. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I have an after-funeral party to attend.” – Derek Zoolander
4. “I feel like I’m taking crazy pills!” – Jacobim Mugatu
5. “Listen to your friend, Billy Zane. He’s a cool dude.” – Hansel
6. “Sting would be another person who’s a hero. The music he’s created over the years, I don’t really listen to it, but the fact that he’s making it, I respect that.” – Hansel
7. “Eugoogiligist—a person who delivers eugoogiligies.” – Derek Zoolander
8. “How can we be expected to teach children to learn how to read if they can’t even fit inside the building?” – Derek Zoolander
9. “You mean you can read minds?” – Derek Zoolander
10. “Moisture is the essence of wetness, and wetness is the essence of beauty.” – Derek Zoolander
11. “Or like, doesn’t, it’s like, ex-squeeze me, but have you ever heard of styling gel?” – Meekus
12. “We’re not actually saying, ‘This is the Earth calling you,’ Matilda.” – Hansel
13. “I think I’m getting the black lung.” – Derek Zoolander
14. “That Hansel’s so hot right now.” – Jacobim Mugatu
15. “Who am I?” – Derek Zoolander
16. “You know, I love modeling. I’d like to do this forever. When I’m 30, I hope I’m still modeling.” – Derek Zoolander
17. “I’m just wearing my new look, ‘cold coffee.’” – Derek Zoolander
18. “If there is anything that this horrible tragedy can teach us, it’s that a male model’s life is a precious, precious commodity. Just because we have chiseled abs and stunning features doesn’t mean that we still can’t not die in a freak gasoline fight accident.” – Derek Zoolander
19. “And I’m not your bra.” – Derek Zoolander
20. “Mer-man!” – Derek Zoolander
21. “There was a moment last night when she was sandwiched between the two finish dwarfs and the Maori tribesmen where I thought, ‘Wow I could really spend the rest of my life with this woman.’” – Derek Zoolander
22. “For god’s sake Derek, you were down there one day!” – Larry Zoolander
23. “I’m sorry that good looking people like us made you throw up and feel bad about yourself.” – Hansel
24. “Let me show you Derelicte. It is a fashion, a way of life inspired by the very homeless, the vagrants, the crack whores that make this wonderful city so unique.” – Jacobim Mugatu
25. “Be professionally good looking.” – Derek Zoolander
26. “I can Derelick my own balls, thank you.” – Derek Zoolander
27. “Are you challenging me to a walk-off, Boo-Lander?” – Hansel
28. “I have problems with turns, because I’m left handed, and they haven’t built a left handed runway yet. I’ve done over 1,000 runway shows in my career, and if you put all those runways end to end, it’d be so long I couldn’t even walk down it without getting tired. I think the only good thing about it would be there’d be no turns.” – Derek Zoolander
29. “What say we settle this on the runway, Han-Solo?” – Derek Zoolander
30. “But why male models?” – Derek Zoolander
31. “Put a cork in it, Zane!” – Derek Zoolander
32. “Who are you tryin’ to get crazy with, ese? Don’t you know I’m loco?” – Hansel
33. “They’re the same damn look!” – Jacobim Mugatu
34. “With what? Your male modeling? Prancing around in your underwear with your weiner hanging out for everyone to see? You’re dead to me, boy. You’re more dead to me than your dead mother. I just thank the Lord she didn’t live to see her as a mermaid.” – Larry Zoolander
35. “Damn it, Derek! I’m a coal miner, not a professional film or television actor.” – Larry Zoolander
36. “You think that you’re too cool for school, but I have a newsflash for you, Walter Cronkite—you aren’t.” – Derek Zoolander
37. “And it was. I’m totally fine! I’ve never even been to Mount Vesuvius.” – Hansel
38. “They’re in the computer?” – Hansel
39. “I wasn’t like every other kid, you know, who dreams about being an astronaut.” – Hansel
40. “I care desperately about what I do. Do I know what product I’m selling?” – Hansel
41. “Yeah baby! That’s what I’ve been waiting for!” – Maury Ballstein
42. “You is talking loco and I like it!” – Hansel
43. “I invented the piano key necktie, I invented it!” – Jacobim Mugatu
44. “I was always more interested in what bark was made out of on a tree.” – Hansel
45. “Obey my dog!” – Jacobim Mugatu
46. “Oh, I’m sorry, did my pin get in the way of your ass? Do me a favor and lose five pounds immediately or get out of my building like now!” – Jacobim Mugatu
47. “I’m not an ambi-turner. It’s a problem I had since I was a baby. I can’t turn left.” – Derek Zoolander
48. “They’re break-dance fighting.” – Jacobim Mugatu
49. “So I’m rappelling down Mount Vesuvius when suddenly I slip, and I start to fall. Just falling, ahhh! Ahhh! I’ll never forget the terror. When suddenly I realize, ‘Holy shit, Hansel, haven’t you been smoking Peyote for six straight days, and couldn’t some of this maybe be in your head?’” – Hansel
50. “Oh, I thought you were going to tell me what a bad eugoogoolizer I am?” – Derek Zoolander
51. “Uh, earth to Brint, I’m not so sure you did because you were all, ‘Well I’m sure he’s heard of styling gel’ like you didn’t know it was a joke! Ha ha ha!” – Meekus
52. “You know what, can we just cut it out with all the Earth-tos, please?” – Matilda Jeffries
53. “Uh, no, I don’t think you do. Listen, it’s not like we think that we’re actually in a control tower trying to reach outer space aliens or something. Okay?” – Derek Zoolander
54. “Well, I guess I would have to answer your question with another question. How many abodiginals do you see modeling?” – Derek Zoolander
55. “One look? I don’t think so!” – Derek Zoolander
56. “I knew it was a joke, Meekus. I just didn’t get it right away!” – Brint
57. “A eugoogoolizer, one who speaks at funerals.” – Derek Zoolander
58. “Hi Derek! My name’s Little Cletus and I’m here to tell you a few things about child labor laws, ok? They’re silly and outdated. Way back in the ’30s, children as young as five could work as they pleased; from textile factories to iron smelts. Yippee! Hurray!” – Jacobim Mugatu
59. “As a caterpillar becomes a , so must you become Derelicte!” – Jacobim Mugatu
60. “I hear words like ‘beauty,’ and ‘handsomeness,’ and ‘incredibly chiseled features,’ and for me, that’s like a vanity of self-absorption that I try to steer clear of.” – Hansel
61. “When I was in seventh grade, I was the fat kid in my class.” – Matilda Jeffries
62. “Do what for a career?” – Matilda Jeffries
63. “No. Do I know what I’m doing today? No. But I’m here, and I’m gonna give it my best shot.” – Hansel
64. “Richard Gere’s a real hero of mine.” – Hansel
65. “Destroy the Prime Minister of Malaysia!” – Jacobim Mugatu
66. “Uh, Derek, I don’t know if you’re familiar with the belief that some aboriginal tribes hold. It’s the concept that a photo might steal a part of your soul. I mean, what are your thoughts on that as someone who gets his picture taken for a living?” – Matilda Jeffries
67. “I think they’re vain, stupid, and incredibly self-centered.” – Matilda Jeffries
68. “Derek, that’s nothing to be ashamed of. I’m sure there are a lot of people out there who can’t turn—I mean, there have got to be some people out there just like you who can’t turn left.” – Matilda Jeffries
69. “Why do you hate models, Matilda?” – Derek Zoolander
70. “Do you understand that the world does not revolve around you and your ‘do whatever it takes,’ ruin as many people’s lives, so long as you can make a name for yourself as an investigatory journalist, no matter how many friends you lose or people you leave dead and bloodied along the way.” – Derek Zoolander
71. “I’m pretty sure there’s a lot more to life than being really, really, ridiculously good
looking. And I plan on finding out what that is.” – Derek Zoolander
72. “People come up to me all the time and say, ‘You should be a model, or you look just like a model, or maybe you should try to be a man who models.’ And I always have to laugh because I’m so good looking. Of course I’m a model.” – Derek Zoolander
73. “Let’s get back to the reason that we’re really here. Without much further ado, I give you the Derek Zoolander Center For Kids Who Can’t Read Good.” – Jacobim Mugatu
74. “Would you guys stop it already?” – Derek Zoolander
75. “What is this? A school for ants?!” – Derek Zoolander
76. “Did you think I’d be too stupid to know what a eugoogooly was?” – Derek Zoolander
77. “Earth to Matilda.” – Derek Zoolander
78. “Shut up! Enough already, Ballstein! Who cares about Derek Zoolander anyway? The man has only one look, for Christ’s sake! Blue Steel? Ferrari? Le Tigra? They’re the same face! Doesn’t anybody notice this?” – Jacobim Mugatu
79. “Actually, I’m trying to talk to Mugatu but he’s tougher to get to than the president.” – Matilda Jeffries
80. “Yeah, no, I got that. I understand you don’t literally mean—.” – Matilda Jeffries
81. “I totally agree with you. But how do you feel about male models?” – Hansel
82. “Turn off my phone?” – Derek Zoolander
83. “It’s a walk-off!” – Billy Zane
84. “Holy moly!” – Larry Zoolander
85. “I couldn’t understand why I didn’t look like them. I just didn’t get it so I became—so, um, I became bulimic.” – Matilda Jeffries
86. “I’m sure Hansel’s heard of styling gel, he’s a male model.” – Brint
87. “I wanted to create a new life for myself. I’m sorry I was born with this perfect bone structure, that my hair looks better done up with gel and mousse than hidden under a stupid hat with a light on it. All I ever wanted to do was make you proud of me, pop.” – Derek Zoolander
88. “I’ve got a prostate the size of a honeydew and a head full of bad memories.” – Maury Ballstein
89. “Derek? Derek, hey!” – Matilda Jeffries