HomeQuotes110 My Cousin Vinny Quotes on Court Humor and More

110 My Cousin Vinny Quotes on Court Humor and More

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1. Vinny Gambini: “Whoa. How many times did you say that spontaneous is romantic?”

Mona Lisa Vito: “A burp is spontaneous. A burp is not romantic.” 

2. “Maybe it was a bad time to bring it up.” – Mona Lisa Vito

3. Judge Chamberlain Haller: “Uh. Did you say ‘yutes?’”

Vinny Gambini: “Yeah, two yutes.”

Judge Chamberlain Haller: “What is a yute?”

Vinny Gambini: “Oh, excuse me, your honor. Two youths.”

4. Stan Rothenstein: “No, you’re being booked for shoplifting. I’m being booked for accessory to shoplifting.”

Bill Gambini: “No Stan, I’m being booked for murder, you’re being booked for accessory to murder.”

5. Judge Chamberlain Haller: “Would you please answer the counselor’s question?”

Mona Lisa Vito: “No, I hate him.” 

6. “That is a lucid, well thought-out, intelligent objection.” – Judge Chamberlain Haller

7. “Hey there, little Yankee wuss! Look here, I got your $200. You gonna kick the sh*t out of me now?” – J.T.

8. D.A. Jim Trotter: “Ms. Vito, what is your current profession?”

Mona Lisa Vito: “I’m an out-of-work hairdresser.”

D.A. Jim Trotter: “An out-of-work hairdresser. In what way does that qualify you as an expert in automobiles?”

Mona Lisa Vito: “It doesn’t.”

9. “Take your time, pick the right words, get back to New York, give me a call.” – Vinny Gambini

10. “Thank you, Ms. Vito. No more questions. Thank you very, very much. You’ve been a lovely, lovely witness.” – Vinny Gambini

11. “You like to renegotiate as you go along, don’t you? Well, here’s my counter-offer. Do I have to kill you? What if I were just to kick the ever-loving sh*t out of you?” – Vinny Gambini

12. “It’s a procedure. Like rebuilding a carburetor has a procedure.” – Vinny Gambini

13. “I was thinking last night. If only I knew what he knows, you know? If he’d let me look at his files, oh boy.” – Vinny Gambini

14. “What about these pants I got on? You think they’re okay? Ho!” – Vinny Gambini

15. “Uh. Everything that guy just said is b*llsh*t. Thank you.” – Vinny Gambini

16. “My biological clock is ticking like this. And the way this case is going, I ain’t never getting married!” – Mona Lisa Vito

17. “Mr. Gambini, didn’t I tell you that the next time you appear in my court that you dress appropriately?” – Judge Chamberlain Haller

18. Mona Lisa Vito: “What name did you tell him?”

Vinny Gambini: “Jerry Gallo.”

Mona Lisa Vito: “Jerry Gallo! The big attorney.”

Vinny Gambini: “Yeah.”

Mona Lisa Vito: “Think that was a smart move?”

Vinny Gambini: “Yeah, well, the man’s a seriously accomplished lawyer. If he checks up on this guy, his name will come up all over the place.”

Mona Lisa Vito: “His name was in the papers all last week.”

Vinny Gambini: “Yeah, I saw that.”

Mona Lisa Vito:”But you didn’t actually read the articles.”

Vinny Gambini: “No.”

Mona Lisa Vito: “Too bad.”

Vinny Gambini: “Why’s that?”

Mona Lisa Vito: “’Cause he’s dead.”

19. Vinny Gambini: “Nothing. You stick out like a sore thumb around here.”

Mona Lisa Vito: “Me? What about you?”

Vinny Gambini: “I fit in better than you. At least I’m wearing cowboy boots.”

Mona Lisa Vito: “Oh, yeah, you blend.”

20. “Don’t worry, I’ll find a way to bail you out.” – Mona Lisa Vito

21. “My alternatives? To what, to you? I don’t know. Suicide, death.” — Stan Rothenstein

22. “You just keep asking about Chinese food. You gotta let everybody know you’re a tourist?” – Vinny Gambini

23. “Fan it out, show it to me.” – Vinny Gambini

24. Judge Chamberlain Haller: “I don’t like your attitude.”

Vinny Gambini: “So what else is new?”

Judge Chamberlain Haller: “I’m holding you in contempt of court.”

25. “Well, I guess the laws of physics cease to exist on top of your stove. Were these magic grits? Did you buy them from the same guy who sold Jack his beanstalk beans?” – Vinny Gambini

26. Vinny Gambini: “Your Honor, may I have permission to treat Ms. Vito as a hostile witness?”

Mona Lisa Vito: “You think I’m hostile now, wait ’til you see me tonight.”

27. Judge Chamberlain Haller: “Do you two know each other?”

Vinny Gambini: “Yeah, she’s my fiancée.”

Judge Chamberlain Haller: “Well, that would certainly explain the hostility.”

28. “Oh, a counter-offer. That’s what we lawyers—I’m a lawyer, we lawyers call that a counter-offer. This is a tough decision here. Get my *ss kicked or collect $200. Let me think. I could use a good *ss-kicking, I’ll be very honest with you. No, I think I’ll just go with the two hundred.” – Vinny Gambini

29. Judge Chamberlain Haller: “You’re a dead man.”

Vinny Gambini: “I’m a dead man?”

Judge Chamberlain Haller: “That’s right. I just faxed the clerk of New York and asked him what he knew about Jerry Gallo and do you want to know what he replied?”

Vinny Gambini: “Did you just say Gallo?”

Judge Chamberlain Haller: “Yes, I did.”

Vinny Gambini: “Gallo with a G?”

JJudge Chamberlain Haller: “That’s right.”

Vinny Gambini: Jerry Gallo’s dead!

Judge Chamberlain Haller: “I’m aware of that!”

Vinny Gambini: “Well I’m not Jerry Gallo! I’m Jerry C-allo! ‘C-A-LLO.’”

30. “You know, when you rebuild a carburetor, the first thing you do is you take the carburetor off the manifold. Suppose you skip the first step, and while you’re replacing one of the jets, you accidentally drop the jet, it goes down the carburetor, rolls along the manifold, and goes into the head—you’re f*ck*d. You just learned the hard way that you gotta remove the carburetor first, right? So that’s all that happened to me today. I learned the hard way. Actually, it was a good learning experience for me.” – Vinny Gambini

31. “I explained it to you already, didn’t I? It’s a procedure. I’m learning all this as I go along. I’m bound to f*ck up a little.” – Vinny Gambini

32. “You know, this could be a sign of things to come. You win all your cases, but with somebody else’s help, right? You win case after case, and then afterwards you have to go up to somebody and you have to say, ‘Thank you.’” – Mona Lisa Vito

33. “Look. Maybe I could have handled the preliminary a little better, okay? I admit it. But what’s most important is winning the case. I could do it. I really could. Let me tell you how, okay? The D.A.’s got to build a case. Building a case is like building a house. Each piece of evidence is just another building block. He wants to make a brick bunker of a building. He wants to use serious, solid-looking bricks like these, right?” – Vinny Gambini

34. “Support? Is that what you want? I’m sorry, you were wonderful there! The way you handled that judge—ooh, you are a smooth talker. You are, you are!” – Mona Lisa Vito

35. “Yeah, it’s your *ss, not mine. I think you should be grateful. I think you should be down on your f*ck*ng knees.” – Vinny Gambini

36. “Well, I got a b*llsh*t traffic ticket. I went to court, I got the cop on the stand, and I argued with him until he admitted he was wrong. And the judge—this Judge Malloy, all the while he’s laughing and smiling. And then afterwards, he asked me to go to lunch with him. Then he says to me, ‘You know what? You’d be a good litigator.’ I didn’t know what the hell he was talking about— I don’t know what a litigator is. I never thought of becoming a lawyer. But this Judge Malloy—who’s from Brooklyn too, he did it. So all of a sudden, it seemed possible. So I went to law school.” – Vinny Gambini

37. “Stan, I’ve seen your argue. Trust me, they’re amateurs.” – Vinny Gambini

38. “Hey, I don’t blame you. If I was in your situation, I’d want to get through this whole thing as quickly, and with as little pain as possible. So, you know, let’s try our best to make this a simple, in-and-out procedure.” – Vinny Gambini

39. “I shouldn’t. I don’t expect to get special treatment, your honor.” – Vinny Gambini

40. “You’re the jury. It’s your job to decide who’s telling the truth. Truth—that’s what ‘verdict’ means. It’s a word that comes down from Old England and all our little old ancestors.” – D.A. Jim Trotter

41. “When you look at the bricks from the right angle, they’re as thin as this playing card. His whole case is an illusion—a trick. It has to be an illusion, ’cause you’re innocent. Nobody—I mean, nobody pulls the wool over the eyes of a Gambini, especially this one. Give me a chance—one chance. Let me question the first witness. If after that point, you don’t think that I’m the best man for the job, fire me then and there. I’ll leave quietly—no grudges. All I ask is for that one chance. I think you should give it to me.” – Vinny Gambini

42. “I bought a suit. You saw it. Now it’s covered in mud. This town doesn’t have a one hour cleaner so I had to buy a new suit—except the only store where you could buy a new suit has got the flu. Got that? The whole store got the flu so I had to get this in a second hand store. So, it’s either wear the leather jacket—which I know you hate, or this. So, I wore this ridiculous thing for you.” – Vinny Gambini

43. “Lisa, I don’t need this. I swear to God, I do not need this right now, okay? I’ve got a judge that’s just aching to throw me in jail. An idiot who wants to fight me for two hundred dollars slaughtered pigs. Giant loud whistles. I haven’t slept in five days. I got no money, a dress code problem, and a little murder case— which, in the balance, holds the lives of two innocent kids. Not to mention your biological clock, my career, your life, our marriage, and let me see, what else can we pile on? Is there any more sh*t we can pile on to the top of the outcome of this case? Is it possible?” – Vinny Gambini

44. “No way. You can’t even win a case by yourself, you’re f*ck*n’ useless.” – Mona Lisa Vito

45. “I apologise, sir. But, this is how I dress.” – Vinny Gambini

46. “Right. Well, he did his act. And every time he made something disappear, Vinny jumped on him. I mean, he nailed him! It was like— it’s in his pocket, or he’s palming it, you know? Or, ‘there’s a mirror under the table.’ I mean, he was like, he was like—‘Wait a second, wait a second! It’s joined in the middle, and there’s a spring around it. It pops, it opens when it’s inside the tube.’ It was like Alakazam’s worst nightmare. Vinny was just being Vinny. He was just being the quintessential Gambini.” – Bill Gambini

47. “What are you nervous about? I’m the one that’s under the gun here. Trial starts tomorrow.” – Vinny Gambini

48. “You wanna know what I’m nervous about? I’ll tell you what I’m nervous about! I am in the dark here with all this legal crap. I have no idea what’s going on. All I know is that you’re screwing up and I can’t help.” – Mona Lisa Vito

49. “Hey Lisa, I’m not gonna go out there just to wimp out, you know. I mean, the guy will lose respect for me. Would you rather have that?” – Vinny Gambini

50. “I got no use for this guy.” – Vinny Gambini

51. “Well, I just got in. I asked where the new guys were, and they brought me in here. Hey, sleeping, huh? Cute little guy. You know, maybe I should start with you. Let him sleep a little bit.” – Vinny Gambini

52. “My problem is, I wanted to win my first case without any help from anybody.” – Vinny Gambini

53. “My parents argue, too. It doesn’t make them good lawyers.” – Stan Rothenstein

54. “Mr., could you tell the court what color eyes the defendants have?” – John Gibbons

55. “Oh, oh, oh, I’m sorry. You testified earlier that the boys went into the store, and you had just begun to make breakfast. You were just ready to eat, and you heard a gunshot. That’s right, I’m sorry. So, obviously, it takes you five minutes to make breakfast.” – Vinny Gambini

56. “So would you say you got a better shot of them going in and not so much coming out?” – Vinny Gambini

57. “Are we to believe that boiling water soaks into a grit faster in your than in any place on the face of the earth?” – Vinny Gambini

58. “Now. Mrs. Riley, and only Mrs. Riley. How many fingers am I holding up now?” – Vinny Gambini

59. “Seven bushes. So, what do you think? Isn’t it possible you just saw two guys in a green convertible and not necessarily these two particular guys?” – Vinny Gambini

60. “Ms. Vito, please answer the question. Does the defence’s case hold water?” – Vinny Gambini

61. ”Now Ms. Vito, being an expert on general automotive knowledge, can you tell me what would be the correct ignition timing on a 1955 Bel Air Chevrolet with a 327 cubic-inch engine and a four-barrel carburetor?” – D.A. Jim Trotter

62. “Five minutes? Are you sure? Did you look at your watch?” – Vinny Gambini

63. Vinny Gambini: “Sheriff Farley, uh, what’d you find out?”

Sheriff Dean Farley: “On a hunch, I took it upon myself to check out if there was any information on a ’63 Pontiac Tempest stolen or abandoned recently. This computer readout confirms that two boys—who fit the defendants’ description, were arrested two days ago by Sheriff Tillman in Jasper County, Georgia for driving a stolen metallic mint green 1963 Pontiac Tempest, with a white convertible top, Michelin Model XGV tires, size 75-R-14.”

Vinny Gambini: “Is that it?”

Sheriff Dean Farley: “No. A .357 Magnum revolver was found in their possession.”

Vinny Gambini: “Sheriff Farley, just to refresh the court’s memory, what caliber bullet was used to murder Jimmy Willis?”

Sheriff Dean Farley: “.357 Magnum.”

Vinny Gambini: “The defense rests.”

64. “Is it possible the two defendants entered the store, picked 22 specific items off of the shelves, had the clerk take money, make change, then leave. Then two different men drive up in a similar—don’t shake your head, I’m not done yet.” – Vinny Gambini

65. “He has to—by law, you’re entitled. It’s called disclosure, you d*ckh**d! He has to show you everything, otherwise it could be a mistrial. He has to give you a list of all his witnesses, you can talk to all his witnesses, he’s not allowed any surprises. They didn’t teach you that in law school either?” – Mona Lisa Vito 

67. “Eggs and grits. I like grits, too. How do you cook your grits? Do you like them regular, creamy or al dente?” – Vinny Gambini

68. “No self-respecting Southerner uses instant grits. I take pride in my grits.” – Mr. Tipton

69. “So, Mr. Tipton, how could it take you five minutes to cook your grits when it takes the entire grit-eating world twenty minutes?” – Vinny Gambini

70. “I’ve heard of grits. I just never actually ‘seen’ a grit before.” – Vinny Gambini

71. “I don’t know, I suppose. I mean, I’m a man’s man—I could go deer hunting.” – Vinny Gambini

72. “Whoa. You’re gonna shoot a deer?” – Mona Lisa Vito

73. “A sweet, innocent, harmless, leaf-eating, doe-eyed little deer.” – Mona Lisa Vito

74. “Imagine you’re a deer. You’re prancing along— you get thirsty, you spot a little brook, you put your little lips down to the cool clear water. Bam! A f*ck*n bullet rips off part of your head! Your brains are laying on the ground in little bloody pieces! Now I ask ya. Would you give a f*ck what kind of pants the son of a b*tch who shot you was wearing?” – Mona Lisa Vito

75. “The ’64 Skylark had a regular differential—which, as anyone who’s been stuck in the mud in Alabama, knows.” – Mona Lisa Vito

76. “I don’t want to hear explanations. The state of Alabama has its procedure. And that procedure at this point in time is to have an arraignment. Are we clear on this?” – Judge Chamberlain Haller

77. “The laws are medieval down here. Do you know what the minimum age for execution is in Alabama? Ten!” – Stan Rothenstein

78. “Hey, Stan! You’re in Ala-f*ck*ng-bama. You come from New York. You killed a good old boy. There is no way this is not going to trial!” – Vinny Gambini

79. “We think they’re trying to set us up as patsies, Ma. You know how corrupt it is down here. They all know each other.” – Bill Gambini

80. “The Klan’s here. They’re inbred. They sleep with their sisters. Some of them do.” – Stan Rothenstein

81. “The car that made these two equal-length tire marks had positraction. You can’t make those marks without positraction—which was not available on the ’64 Buick Skylark!” – Mona Lisa Vito

82. “It’s a limited slip differential which distributes power equally to both the right and left tires.” – Mona Lisa Vito

83.“You step on the gas—one tire spins, the other tire does nothing.” – Mona Lisa Vito

84. “No, there’s more! You see? When the left tire mark goes up on the curb and the right tire mark stays flat and even? Well, the ’64 Skylark had a solid rear axle. So, when the left tire would go up on the curb, the right tire would tilt out and ride along its edge. But that didn’t happen here. The tire mark stayed flat and even. This car had an independent rear suspension. Now, in the ’60s, there were only two other cars made in America that had positraction and independent rear suspension, and enough power to make these marks. One was the Corvette, which could never be confused with the Buick Skylark. The other had the same body length, height, width, weight, wheel base, and wheel track as the ’64 Skylark—and that was the 1963 Pontiac Tempest.” – Mona Lisa Vito

85. “When you come into my court looking like you do, you not only insult me, but you insult the integrity of this court!” – Judge Chamberlain Haller

86. “Fine. I’ll let you off this one time. The next time you appear in my court, you will look lawyerly. And I mean you comb , and wear a suit and tie. And that suit had better be made out of some sort of cloth. Do you understand me?” – Judge Chamberlain Haller

87. “I tell you this because I want you to know that—when it comes to procedure, I’m not a patient man. I advise you—sir, that when you come into my courtroom, you are to know the letter of the law. I react harshly when you don’t.” – Judge Chamberlain Haller

88. “ When you’re addressed in this court, you’ll rise. Speak to me in a clear, intelligible voice.” – Judge Chamberlain Haller

89. “Don’t talk to me sitting in that chair!” – Judge Chamberlain Haller

90. ”Don’t think that being from New York, you’re getting special treatment.” – Judge Chamberlain Haller

91. “He’s going to call back after 3 which gives you a ‘stay of execution.’ Unless, by some miracle, you happen to win this case in the next 90 minutes. Why don’t you go to lunch?”

92. “Once again, the communication process has broken down. It appears to me that you want to skip the arraignment process, go directly to trial, skip that, and get a dismissal. Well, I’m not about to revamp the entire judicial process just because you find yourself in the unique position of defending clients who say they didn’t do it.” – Judge Chamberlain Haller

93. “The next words out of your mouth better be guilty or not guilty. I don’t want to hear commentary, argument, or opinion. If I hear anything other than guilty or not guilty, you’ll be in contempt. I don’t even want to hear you clear your throat. Now how do your clients plead?” – Judge Chamberlain Haller

94. Vinny Gambini: “I think I get the point.”

Judge Chamberlain Haller: “No, I don’t think you do. You’re now in contempt of court. Would you like to go for two counts of contempt?”

Vinny Gambini: “Not guilty.”

Judge Haller: “Thank you.” 

95. “I had a friend send a fax to the judge, confirming the very impressive legal stature of Jerry C-allo!” – Mona Lisa Vito

96.Vinny Gambini: “Does that freight train come through here at 5:00 A.M. every morning?”

Hotel Clerk: “No, sir, it’s very unusual.”

Vinny Gambini: “Yesterday, you told me that freight trains hardly ever come through here at 5:00 A.M. in the morning.”

Hotel Clerk: “I know. She’s supposed to come through at ten after 4:00.”

97. “Excuse me, you guys down here hear about the ongoing cholesterol problem in the country?” – Vinny Gambini

98. “Did you fall in your place or somebody else’s?” – Vinny Gambini 

99. “I got thirty f*ck*ng minutes to take a shower, get a new suit, get dressed and get to the f*ck*ng courthouse!” – Vinny Gambini

100. Stan Rothenstein: “I’m not jerking you off. I’m not doing anything.”

Vinny Gambini: “That’s it. You’re on your own. I’ll just take care of Sleeping Beauty.”

Bill Gambini: “Vinny. Vinny bag o’ donuts.”

101. “Well, I hate to bring it up because I know you’ve got enough pressure on you already. But, we agreed to get married as soon as you won your first case.” – Mona Lisa Vito

102. “Hey, Honey. Where’d you read about all that disclosure sh*t?” – Vinny Gambini

103. “Oh. Okay, let’s see if we agree on the terms. The choice now is—I get my *ss kicked, or option B, I kick your *ss and collect the $200. I’m going with option B—kicking your *ss and collecting two-hundred dollars.” – Vinny Gambini

104. Mona Lisa Vito: “Did it ever occur to you that it could be turned off and drip at the same time?”

Vinny Gambini: “No, because if you turned it off, it wouldn’t drip.”

105. “You wanna know what I’m nervous about? I’ll tell you what I’m nervous about. I am in the dark here with all this legal crap. I have no idea what’s going on. All I know is that you’re screwing up and I can’t help.” – Mona Lisa Vito

106. Vinny Gambini: “In that case, how can you be sure that’s accurate?”

Mona Lisa Vito: “Because a split second before the torque wrench was applied to the faucet handle, it had been calibrated by top members of the state and federal Departments of Weights and Measures, to be dead-on balls accurate. Here’s the certificate of validation.”

107. “Are you on drugs?” – Judge Chamberlain Haller

108. “If you will look in the manual, you will see that this particular model faucet requires a range of 10-16 foot-pounds of torque. I routinely twist the maximum allowable torquage.” – Mona Lisa Vito

109. Vinny Gambini: “My clients were caught completely by surprise. They thought they were getting arrested for shoplifting a can of tuna.”

Judge Haller: “What are you telling me? That they plead not guilty?”

Vinny: “No. I’m just trying to explain.”

110. Stan Rothenstein: “Why didn’t you ask them any questions?”

Vinny Gambini: “Questions? Ask who questions?”

Bill Gambini: “You knew you could ask questions, didn’t you, Vin?”

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