2. Jim: “Are we—Black?”

Bart: “Yes, we are.”

3. “Hey, where the white women at?” – Bart

4. “No. Don’t do that, don’t do that. If you shoot him you’ll just make him mad.” – Jim

5. “I hate to disappoint you, ma’am, but you’re suckin’ on my arm!” – Bart

6. “My name is Jim. But most people call me—Jim.” – Jim

7. “Watch that ‘boy’ sh*t, redneck! You’re talkin’ to the sheriff of Rock Ridge!” – Bart

8. “I get no kick from champagne. Mere alcohol doesn’t thrill me at all. So, tell me why should it be true that I get a belt out of you. Some get a kick from cocaine.” – Bart

9. “‘What did you expect? ‘Welcome, sonny? Make yourself at home? Marry my daughter?’ You’ve got to remember that these are just simple farmers. These are people of the land. The common clay of the new West. You know—morons.” – Jim

10. “A man drink like that and he don’t eat, he is going to die.” – Bart

11. “Excuse me while I whip this out.” – Bart

12. “How did he do such fantastic stunts with such little feet?” – Hedley Lamarr

13. “He was nothing, the b*tch was inventing the Candy Gram and they probably won’t even give me credit for it.” – Bart

14. “My mind is a raging torrent flooded with rivulets of thought cascading into a waterfall of creative alternatives.” – Hedley Lamarr

15. “Hold it! Next man makes a move, the n*gg*r gets it!” – Bart

16. “It got so that every pissant prairie punk who thought he could shoot a gun would ride into town to try out the Waco Kid. I must’ve killed more men than Cecil B. DeMille. Got pretty gritty. Started hearing the word ‘draw’ in my sleep.” – Jim

17. “I want rustlers, cutthroats, murderers, bounty hunters, desperados, mugs, pugs, thugs, nitwits, halfwits, dimwits, vipers, snipers, con men, Indian agents, Mexican bandits, muggers, buggerers, bushwhackers, hornswogglers, horse thieves, bull dykes, train robbers, bank robbers, ass-kickers, shit-kickers, and Methodists.” – Hedley Lamarr

18. “Tell me, ‘Tex ma’am,’ are you in show business? Well, then why don’t you get your fwiggin’ feet off the stage!” – Lili Von Shtupp

19. “Oh Lord! Do we have the strength to pull off this mighty task in one night or are we just jerking off?” – Reverend Johnson

20. Bart: “Steady as a rock.” 

Jim: “Yeah, but I shoot with this hand.”

21. “Ooh, baby, you are so talented, and they are so dumb!” – Bart

22. “Come on, boys. Where’s your spirit? I don’t hear no singing. When you was slaves, you sang like birds. Come on, how about a gold ole n*gg*r work song?” – Lyle

23. “Never mind that shit, here comes Mongo!” – Olson Johnson

24. “Then we’re awake. But we’re very puzzled.” – Jim

25. “A wed wose—how womantic.” – Lili Von Shtupp

26. “How many times have I told you to wash up after a weekly cross burning?” – Hedley Lamarr

27. “Boy, is he strict!” – Jim

28. “Why don’t you, uh—loosen your bullets?” – Lili Von Shtupp

29. “There might be a legal precedent. Land snatching. L—land. See snatch.” – Hedley Lamarr

30. “Then one day, I was walking down the street when I heard someone shout, ‘Reach for it, mister!’ I turned around to see who it was, and there I was, standing face-to-face—with a six-year-old kid. I just put my guns down and walked away. Little b*st*rd shot me in the ass!” – Jim

31. “Sir, he specifically requested two n*gg*rs. Well, to tell the family secret, my was Dutch.” – Bart

32. “Chewing gum on line, eh? I hope you brought enough for everybody.” – Hedley Lamarr

33. “Hello handsome, is that a 10-gallon hat or are you just enjoying the show?” – Lili Von Shtupp

34. “Come on, boys! The way you’re lollygaggin’ around here with them picks and them shovels, you’d think it was a 120 degree. Can’t be more than a 114.

35. “I’d say you’ve had enough!” – Taggart

36. “Dang, that was lucky. Doggone near lost a 400 dollar handcar.” – Taggart

37. “Another 25 years and you’ll be able to shake their hands in broad daylight.” – Jim

38. “No, thank you. Fifteen is my limit on schnitzengruben.”

39. “Piss on you! I’m working for Mel Brooks!” – Jim

40. “All right, we’ll give some land to the n*gg*rs and the chinks. But we don’t want the Irish!” – Olson Johnson

41. “Badges? We don’t need no stinking badges.” – Hedley Lamarr

42. “What the hell are you worried about? This is 1874. You’ll be able to sue her.” – Governor Lepetomane

43. “Le Petomane Thruway?! Now, what’ll that *ssh*l* think of next? Does anybody got a dime? Somebody’s gotta go back and get a shitload of dimes!” – Taggart

44. Governor Lepetomane: “Thank you, Hedy. Thank you.”

Hedley Lamarr: “It’s not Hedy, it’s Hedley. Hedley Lamarr.”

45. “Hold it, hold it. What the hell is that shit? I meant a song. A real song. Something like, ‘Swing Low Sweet Chariot.’ Don’t know that one, huh? How about, ‘De Camptown Ladies?’” – Lyle

46. “What in the wide world of sports is a-goin’ on here? I hired you people to get a little track laid. Not to jump around like a bunch of Kansas City faggots!” – Taggart

47. “Okay, I’ll send down a team of horses to check out the ground.” – Lyle

48. “We can’t afford to lose any horses, you dummy! Send over a couple of n*gg*rs.” – Taggart

49. “Just a man and a horse being hung out there.” – Hedley Lamarr

50. “They lose me right after the bunker scene.” – Actor playing Hitler

51. “I want you to round up every vicious criminal and gunslinger in the west.” – Hedley Lamarr

52. “Well, it all depends on how much vitamin E I can get my hands on.” – Bart

53. “Gentlemen, affairs of state must take precedence over affairs of state.” – Bart

54. “A sheriff! But law and order is the last thing I want! Wait a minute—maybe I can use this to my advantage. If I could find a sheriff who so offends the people of Rock Ridge that his very appearance would drive them out of town! Wherever will I find such a man? Why am I asking you?” – Hedley Lamarr

55. “Nowhere special, I always wanted to go there.” – Jim

56. “We’ll kill the firstborn male child in every household.” – Taggart

57. “The surveyors say they may have run into some quicksand up ahead. Better check it out.” – Taggart

58. “Mongo only pawn in game of life.” – Monggo

59. “I must have killed more men than Cecil B. DeMille.” – Jim

60. “I wash born here, an I wash raished here, and dad gum it, I am gonna die here, an’ no sidewindin’, bushwackin’, hornswaglin’, cracker croaker is gonna rouin’ me bishen cutter.” – Gaby Johnson

61. “Unfortunately, there is one thing standing between me and that property—the rightful owners.” – Hedley Lamarr

62. “My mind is aglow with whirling, transient nodes of thought careening thru a cosmic vapor of invention.” – Hedley Lamarr

63. “Now I don’t have to tell you good folks what’s been happening in our beloved little town. Sheriff murdered, crops burned, stores looted, people stampeded, and cattle raped. The time has come to act and act fast. I’m leaving.” – Reverend Johnson

64. “Excuse me, Mr. Taggart, sir, but I sure do hate to see you like this. What if me and the boys was to shoot that n*gg*r dead? Would that pep you up some?” – Lyle

65. “God darn it, Mr. Lamarr, you use your tongue prettier than a 20 dollar whore.” – Taggart

66. “Meeting adjourned. Oh, I am sorry, sir, I didn’t mean to overstep my bounds. You say that.” – Hedley Lamarr

67. “Well, Jim, since you are my guest and I am your host, what’s your pleasure? What do you like to do?” – Bart

68. “Mornin’, ma’am. And isn’t it a lovely mornin’?” – Bart

69. “Naw, we rape the shit out of them at the number six dance later on!” – Taggart

70. “Tell me, schatze, is it twue what they say about the way you people are—gifted? Oh, it’s twue. It’s twue. It’s twue, it’s twue!” – Lili Von Shtupp

71. “Let’s face it. Everything below the waist is kaput!” – Lili Von Shtupp

72. “Drive me off this picture!” – Hedley Lamarr

73. “Send wire, main office, tell them I said, ‘Ow.’ Gotcha!” – Lyle

74. “Drop it! Or I swear I’ll blow this n*gg*r’s head all over this town!” – Bart

75. “What in the hell do you think you’re doing here? This is a closed set!” – Buddy Bizarre

76. “Oh, you know! ‘De Camptown ladies sing this song, doo-dah, doo-dah! Camptown Race Track five miles long, oh-de-do-da-dahy!’” – Lyle

77. “Well, that’s where we go a-ridin’ into town, a-whoppin’ and a-whumpin’ every livin’ thing that moves within an inch of its life. Except the womenfolks, of course.” – Taggart

78. “Come on, Lamarr, let’s get down to bwass tacks.” – Lili Von Shtupp

79. “Well, let’s play chess.” – Bart

80. “Oh, I don’t know. Play chess—screw.” – Jim

81. Hedley Lamarr: “You said rape twice.”

Applicant: “I like rape.”

82. “Where are you headed, cowboy?” – Jim

83. “Uh-oh, Bart. I think Mongo here’s taken a liking to you.” – Jim

84. “As chairman of the welcoming committee, it’s a pleasure to present a Laurel and Hardy handshake to our new—n*gg*r.” – Howard Johnson

85. “Now, I suppose you’re all wondering just what in the heck you’re doing out here in the middle of a prairie in the middle of nowhere in the middle of the night.” – Bart

86. “Stampeding Cattle—through the Vatican?” – Bart

87. “Follow me, fagots!” – Buddy Bizarre

88. “Listen to him, men; he’s just crazy enough to do it!” – Dr. Sam Johnson

89. “’Ditto? Ditto,’ you provincial putz?” – Hedley Lamarr

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *