2. Jim: “Are we—Black?”
Bart: “Yes, we are.”
3. “Hey, where the white women at?” – Bart
4. “No. Don’t do that, don’t do that. If you shoot him you’ll just make him mad.” – Jim
5. “I hate to disappoint you, ma’am, but you’re suckin’ on my arm!” – Bart
6. “My name is Jim. But most people call me—Jim.” – Jim
7. “Watch that ‘boy’ sh*t, redneck! You’re talkin’ to the sheriff of Rock Ridge!” – Bart
8. “I get no kick from champagne. Mere alcohol doesn’t thrill me at all. So, tell me why should it be true that I get a belt out of you. Some get a kick from cocaine.” – Bart
9. “‘What did you expect? ‘Welcome, sonny? Make yourself at home? Marry my daughter?’ You’ve got to remember that these are just simple farmers. These are people of the land. The common clay of the new West. You know—morons.” – Jim
10. “A man drink like that and he don’t eat, he is going to die.” – Bart
11. “Excuse me while I whip this out.” – Bart
12. “How did he do such fantastic stunts with such little feet?” – Hedley Lamarr
13. “He was nothing, the b*tch was inventing the Candy Gram and they probably won’t even give me credit for it.” – Bart
14. “My mind is a raging torrent flooded with rivulets of thought cascading into a waterfall of creative alternatives.” – Hedley Lamarr
15. “Hold it! Next man makes a move, the n*gg*r gets it!” – Bart
16. “It got so that every pissant prairie punk who thought he could shoot a gun would ride into town to try out the Waco Kid. I must’ve killed more men than Cecil B. DeMille. Got pretty gritty. Started hearing the word ‘draw’ in my sleep.” – Jim
17. “I want rustlers, cutthroats, murderers, bounty hunters, desperados, mugs, pugs, thugs, nitwits, halfwits, dimwits, vipers, snipers, con men, Indian agents, Mexican bandits, muggers, buggerers, bushwhackers, hornswogglers, horse thieves, bull dykes, train robbers, bank robbers, ass-kickers, shit-kickers, and Methodists.” – Hedley Lamarr
18. “Tell me, ‘Tex ma’am,’ are you in show business? Well, then why don’t you get your fwiggin’ feet off the stage!” – Lili Von Shtupp
19. “Oh Lord! Do we have the strength to pull off this mighty task in one night or are we just jerking off?” – Reverend Johnson
20. Bart: “Steady as a rock.”
Jim: “Yeah, but I shoot with this hand.”
21. “Ooh, baby, you are so talented, and they are so dumb!” – Bart
22. “Come on, boys. Where’s your spirit? I don’t hear no singing. When you was slaves, you sang like birds. Come on, how about a gold ole n*gg*r work song?” – Lyle
23. “Never mind that shit, here comes Mongo!” – Olson Johnson
24. “Then we’re awake. But we’re very puzzled.” – Jim
25. “A wed wose—how womantic.” – Lili Von Shtupp
26. “How many times have I told you to wash up after a weekly cross burning?” – Hedley Lamarr
27. “Boy, is he strict!” – Jim
28. “Why don’t you, uh—loosen your bullets?” – Lili Von Shtupp
29. “There might be a legal precedent. Land snatching. L—land. See snatch.” – Hedley Lamarr
30. “Then one day, I was walking down the street when I heard someone shout, ‘Reach for it, mister!’ I turned around to see who it was, and there I was, standing face-to-face—with a six-year-old kid. I just put my guns down and walked away. Little b*st*rd shot me in the ass!” – Jim
31. “Sir, he specifically requested two n*gg*rs. Well, to tell the family secret, my was Dutch.” – Bart
32. “Chewing gum on line, eh? I hope you brought enough for everybody.” – Hedley Lamarr
33. “Hello handsome, is that a 10-gallon hat or are you just enjoying the show?” – Lili Von Shtupp
34. “Come on, boys! The way you’re lollygaggin’ around here with them picks and them shovels, you’d think it was a 120 degree. Can’t be more than a 114.
35. “I’d say you’ve had enough!” – Taggart
36. “Dang, that was lucky. Doggone near lost a 400 dollar handcar.” – Taggart
37. “Another 25 years and you’ll be able to shake their hands in broad daylight.” – Jim
38. “No, thank you. Fifteen is my limit on schnitzengruben.”
39. “Piss on you! I’m working for Mel Brooks!” – Jim
40. “All right, we’ll give some land to the n*gg*rs and the chinks. But we don’t want the Irish!” – Olson Johnson
41. “Badges? We don’t need no stinking badges.” – Hedley Lamarr
42. “What the hell are you worried about? This is 1874. You’ll be able to sue her.” – Governor Lepetomane
43. “Le Petomane Thruway?! Now, what’ll that *ssh*l* think of next? Does anybody got a dime? Somebody’s gotta go back and get a shitload of dimes!” – Taggart
44. Governor Lepetomane: “Thank you, Hedy. Thank you.”
Hedley Lamarr: “It’s not Hedy, it’s Hedley. Hedley Lamarr.”
45. “Hold it, hold it. What the hell is that shit? I meant a song. A real song. Something like, ‘Swing Low Sweet Chariot.’ Don’t know that one, huh? How about, ‘De Camptown Ladies?’” – Lyle
46. “What in the wide world of sports is a-goin’ on here? I hired you people to get a little track laid. Not to jump around like a bunch of Kansas City faggots!” – Taggart
47. “Okay, I’ll send down a team of horses to check out the ground.” – Lyle
48. “We can’t afford to lose any horses, you dummy! Send over a couple of n*gg*rs.” – Taggart
49. “Just a man and a horse being hung out there.” – Hedley Lamarr
50. “They lose me right after the bunker scene.” – Actor playing Hitler
51. “I want you to round up every vicious criminal and gunslinger in the west.” – Hedley Lamarr
52. “Well, it all depends on how much vitamin E I can get my hands on.” – Bart
53. “Gentlemen, affairs of state must take precedence over affairs of state.” – Bart
54. “A sheriff! But law and order is the last thing I want! Wait a minute—maybe I can use this to my advantage. If I could find a sheriff who so offends the people of Rock Ridge that his very appearance would drive them out of town! Wherever will I find such a man? Why am I asking you?” – Hedley Lamarr
55. “Nowhere special, I always wanted to go there.” – Jim
56. “We’ll kill the firstborn male child in every household.” – Taggart
57. “The surveyors say they may have run into some quicksand up ahead. Better check it out.” – Taggart
58. “Mongo only pawn in game of life.” – Monggo
59. “I must have killed more men than Cecil B. DeMille.” – Jim
60. “I wash born here, an I wash raished here, and dad gum it, I am gonna die here, an’ no sidewindin’, bushwackin’, hornswaglin’, cracker croaker is gonna rouin’ me bishen cutter.” – Gaby Johnson
61. “Unfortunately, there is one thing standing between me and that property—the rightful owners.” – Hedley Lamarr
62. “My mind is aglow with whirling, transient nodes of thought careening thru a cosmic vapor of invention.” – Hedley Lamarr
63. “Now I don’t have to tell you good folks what’s been happening in our beloved little town. Sheriff murdered, crops burned, stores looted, people stampeded, and cattle raped. The time has come to act and act fast. I’m leaving.” – Reverend Johnson
64. “Excuse me, Mr. Taggart, sir, but I sure do hate to see you like this. What if me and the boys was to shoot that n*gg*r dead? Would that pep you up some?” – Lyle
65. “God darn it, Mr. Lamarr, you use your tongue prettier than a 20 dollar whore.” – Taggart
66. “Meeting adjourned. Oh, I am sorry, sir, I didn’t mean to overstep my bounds. You say that.” – Hedley Lamarr
67. “Well, Jim, since you are my guest and I am your host, what’s your pleasure? What do you like to do?” – Bart
68. “Mornin’, ma’am. And isn’t it a lovely mornin’?” – Bart
69. “Naw, we rape the shit out of them at the number six dance later on!” – Taggart
70. “Tell me, schatze, is it twue what they say about the way you people are—gifted? Oh, it’s twue. It’s twue. It’s twue, it’s twue!” – Lili Von Shtupp
71. “Let’s face it. Everything below the waist is kaput!” – Lili Von Shtupp
72. “Drive me off this picture!” – Hedley Lamarr
73. “Send wire, main office, tell them I said, ‘Ow.’ Gotcha!” – Lyle
74. “Drop it! Or I swear I’ll blow this n*gg*r’s head all over this town!” – Bart
75. “What in the hell do you think you’re doing here? This is a closed set!” – Buddy Bizarre
76. “Oh, you know! ‘De Camptown ladies sing this song, doo-dah, doo-dah! Camptown Race Track five miles long, oh-de-do-da-dahy!’” – Lyle
77. “Well, that’s where we go a-ridin’ into town, a-whoppin’ and a-whumpin’ every livin’ thing that moves within an inch of its life. Except the womenfolks, of course.” – Taggart
78. “Come on, Lamarr, let’s get down to bwass tacks.” – Lili Von Shtupp
79. “Well, let’s play chess.” – Bart
80. “Oh, I don’t know. Play chess—screw.” – Jim
81. Hedley Lamarr: “You said rape twice.”
Applicant: “I like rape.”
82. “Where are you headed, cowboy?” – Jim
83. “Uh-oh, Bart. I think Mongo here’s taken a liking to you.” – Jim
84. “As chairman of the welcoming committee, it’s a pleasure to present a Laurel and Hardy handshake to our new—n*gg*r.” – Howard Johnson
85. “Now, I suppose you’re all wondering just what in the heck you’re doing out here in the middle of a prairie in the middle of nowhere in the middle of the night.” – Bart
86. “Stampeding Cattle—through the Vatican?” – Bart
87. “Follow me, fagots!” – Buddy Bizarre
88. “Listen to him, men; he’s just crazy enough to do it!” – Dr. Sam Johnson
89. “’Ditto? Ditto,’ you provincial putz?” – Hedley Lamarr